An Open Letter to the Kid Sitting Not Far Enough Away From Me

Dear Young Person Who Seems to Just Have Fallen Into a Pool of Axe And Most Probably Nearly Drowned So Has Not Yet Had The Time or Mind To Bathe- Or Not:

You may be forgiven for believing so much advertising that presents the great game of romance as little more than tit for tat and the smell of Axe Body Spray as a whole lot of tat. If your other senses are as dull as your olfactory and the amount of Axe you use is proportional to your desperation, I deeply sympathize and offer three bits of advice as constructive guidance:

First, you must find someone who loves you enough to tell you to not leave the house stinking like a gasoline-doused brothel.

Secondly, you need to know that the sudden turns of the head or twisted faces you encounter at every turn are not standard for everyone. Try using less spray and see if you notice that people's expressions have changed as you cross their path.

Thirdly, remove the base layer of Flaming Hot Cheetos residue and four weeks of dried football practice sweat before adding another scent to the mix. A simple rule to remember with deodorants and colognes: after shower, not instead of.

Of course I offer this advice knowing that I may be completely wrong; you should know that as well. As intensely repelled as I am by your smell, as wholly unappealing as you seem to me, that may be how attractive you are to the still-developing adolescent female brain. That said, the fact that you are still sitting here alone, frequently looking up at the girls who walk past your table but never stop suggests at least that Axe doesn't work the way it's advertised. My advice couldn't hurt.

For what it's worth-
skybalon

Where's Your Cowboy Now?

I've often wondered about this. I guess now I know.
Not a single horse at the Texas Villa... and only five cows.

Who would've guessed the Andover Cheerleader- I mean the Texas Cowboy- doesn't like horses?

But I'm Just One Person, What Can I Do?

Do you ever wonder what you can do to SUPPORT THE TROOPS? Is your car already losing too much gas mileage from the weight of so many yellow ribbon magnets?

Maybe, this is something-

U.S. Military Cemetery Running Out of Space
U.S. Sens. Sam Brownback and Pat Roberts, both Kansas Republicans, on Thursday sent a letter to William Tuerk, the under secretary for memorial affairs at the Department of Veterans Affairs, urging for full funding for a new cemetery for Fort Riley...

...Fort Riley can bury bodies on top of other bodies if family members want to share a plot, said Kohler.

Reuters

This seems like the kind of thing the church- I'm sorry- THE CHURCH can get behind.

Sponsor a grave.

Sure, it's not as supporty as extending tours of duty or using up the loyalty of those people that serve in the military by forcing them to sell broken policies, but THE GOVERNMENT will do what they can do and we'll do what we can do- and never the two shall meet.

In fact, sponsoring a military grave seems like the perfect symbolic action for THE CHURCH right now.

Married? MARRIED!*

Marryourduaghters.org is a site that allows you to sign up your daughter to be married off- for the right price. It's just a listing service. They don't make any negotiations or guarantees. That's up to the families and individuals involved. Though there are no guarantees, there is a hope. It's the same hope that pays the tuition at many small Christian liberal arts colleges: the hope that daughters will stay virgins a little bit longer or be married before girls have to be seen as adults. (I'd have said "women" there, but I don't know if that would suggest the human agency I mean for that term to have.)

Marryourduaghters.org is funny because it could be real. If it was real, it would be tragic. It would be tragic in the same way a lot of the actual attitudes Christians have about women, gender, marriage, and sex are tragic. In this case, instead of being tragic, it's funny- funny in a way that might cause someone to examine their attitudes about women, gender, marriage, and sex, so the real tragedies can be minimized. Isn't that clever?

(In case you're still not sure- Marry Our Daughters is a joke. Though I wouldn't say it's not real.)

I often hope that Jesse Duplantis and the Gold Chair channel will reveal themselves to be hoaxes or some type of performance art with a purpose parallel to Marry Our Daughters: a critique. But in this case, they are a critique of our attitudes about what the church, worship, religious language, and God might be about. I hope my hope is not in vain.

*The title of this post is a quote from Sixteen Candles, so you have to read it that way. I also think I've used it before... So lazy.

It's Ramadan, Sucka'

You have nine new messages. Message one, Monday September 10 8:25 AM -THE BEEP
Hiiieeee- it's Osa- uh mm Terry- I'll be in town this week. Give me a call if you want to get together. Talk to you soon.

Message three, Monday September 10 10:33 AM.-THE BEEP
Haaeeeyyyy, it's me. I have a meeting with my lawyers today but I should be done early this afternoon. Let's get together for dinner or something. Call me.

Message five, Monday September 10 3:40 PM.-THE BEEP
Hi, I'm -- my mee--- ingth ---- ulveda--- weak si---- ca--- shr---let me know when y---

Message six, Monday September 10 3:55 PM.-THE BEEP
Hey I had a bad signal I don't know if you got my last message- I'm heading back to th---

Message seven, Monday September 10 3:55 PM.-THE BEEP
Sorry- I'm done with my meetings- give me a call.

Message eight, Monday September 10 4:22 PM.-THE BEEP
Where you at?! ah you know like that phone- Where You at?! Heh- Okay call me.

Message nine, Monday September 10 5:03 PM.-THE BEEP
Hey do you know if Chili's is Halal? Hmmm... Do you want me to go ahead and order you something- you can pick it up on the way over? Do you like the ribs? Oh wait, what kind of ribs are those? Let me know what you want... Call me.

Phone rings
skybalon-Hello
Osama- WHERE YOU AT?! haha
skybalon- Hey
Osama- Get it? WHERE YOU AT?! Like the commercial
skybalon- Yeah, I know.
Osama- WHERE YOU AT?!
skybalon- -So, Noam Chomsky huh?
Osama- I know- I can't believe it, and there's nothing I can do about it. My lawyers say I'm a public figure and satire is protected speech, so even if I knew who released it I couldn't do anything about it. I hate your country so much.
skybalon- That's still pretty funny though.
Osama I don't think it's funny at all- I don't ramble like that and it doesn't even look like me.
skybalon I think that's part of the gag. It's like Chevy Chase playing Gerald Ford without doing any make up or anything, and you do kind of ramble.
Osama I don't ramble
skybalon You rant-
Osama I speak with passion if that's what you're saying
skybalon Well it's a parody so it's supposed to be a bit over the top.
Osama- Anyway... I got you the Fajita Trio plate- I already paid for it, just pick it up. It's there in your name.
skybalon- Oh no, I can't make it over there tonight.
Osama- What? I already paid for the dinner- Didn't you get my messages?
skybalon I just got in the door, you should've waited for me to call y-
Osama I just thought- I'm in town maybe once a year and when I'm around you would make the time to come see me.
skybalon Uh- I've got a lot of reading and grading to do-
Osama You have to eat, why don't you just come over, bring your work.
skybalon I'm not coming over; I've got too much to do.
Osama I've already ordered the food, it's gonna go to waste
skybalon So don't waste it, go get it or give it to somebody
Osama What am I going to do? Walk in there and pick it up? Seriously. Now I can't eat because you're too busy? That's great- I don't eat. I've been fasting all day and now I don't eat.
skybalon All right- that's up to you.
Osamma ...
skybalon ...
Osama (sigh) I don't know, [skybalon]. I've been doing a lot of thinking. Am I making a difference? I mean I left my family, my money, everything- to do this- to be a servant. And now... what? I'm the butt of a joke?
skybalon If it helps, most people here don't think the video is a joke
Osama That's better? Nobody knows me, or what I'm trying to do. I'm like the Saint Francis- I gave up wealth and power to serve God, but everyone's against me. Maybe it has to be that way. Maybe I am the only one who understands what I must do, but I must do it even if no one is with me.
skybalon Even if only your wife and Barney are with you...
Osama What?
skybalon It's just an expression- you know- A man's gotta do what a man's gotta do-
Osama That's it isn't it?
skybalon I don't know
Osama No, tell me, what do you think?
skybalon (Unintelligible)
Osama Really, tell me.
skybalon Well, what did you give up- and what is it you think you're doing? You just kind of took on roles other people gave you. You weren't a good student but your rich family had your back and set you up in business. You failed at that and made yourself a kind of man's man freedom fighter but all that was an act. You were completely supported by the US and took credit for the Soviets collapsing on themselves in Afghanistan. You've set yourself up as this Muslim folk hero even opposing the Sauds, but that's a total invention of other people's power and vision. And now what? Now you're even more desperately committed to this fiction so you can avoid facing how hollow it really is-
Osama Are you saying your imperialism is a fiction? Are you saying you didn't destroy the Caliphate 80 years ago and carve up our lands?
skybalon I know. You're so brave, taking on the West. Single-handedly making right what went so wrong almost a hundred years ago. Why do you claim that story?
Osama Because that's what happened!
skybalon Maybe. Lots of things happened- why that story?
Osama Because that's what matters-
skybalon Why does that matter?
Osama Okay- why?
skybalon It's just the motivation for another role you're playing- another role you're playing so you don't have to confront who you might be. You're wholly committed to that story- selling yourself as the freedom fighter- hoping that other people will keep buying it so you don't ever have to confront who you might be without it. You're strong, you're brave, you've got resolve and won't back down from any fight- not from the Soviets, not from Saud, not from the West. It doesn't matter if the video is you or not- it's the same caricature. If you really are experiencing a crisis it's because you realize what you're pretending to be might not be what you are.
Osama So what am I?
skybalon What are you?
Osama I'm asking you- what am I?
skybalon You're asking someone else to tell you who you are... again?
Osama Whatever, like I said, I've just been thinking a lot.
skybalon About Noam Chomsky?
Osama ...
skybalon ...
Osama So are you coming over?
skybalon No

Spare Any Change?

"As a jailed Ricardo Rolon awaits arraignment with three others on suspicion of killing a Pico Rivera grandmother when she tried to stop a tagger, his mother, Carmen, sprang to his defense Friday, lashing out at authorities for portraying him as an out-of-control gangster...

The truth is, Carmen Rolon says, that her son was extremely drunk on the day Maria Hicks was gunned down in her car after flashing her lights at a tagger to try to get him to stop spray-painting a wall in Pico Rivera.

'He had a job, he was a good worker, he has two (young) sons, he went to school, he has a certificate of completion -- but they've never said anything about that,' she said."

SGV Tribune

She'd have been better off if she had tried this at the beginning of the credibility year. Maybe then there might have been enough in the budget to go for this, but I think most people, most of the people she'd want to reach anyway, are already running a BS deficit. What with wide stances and successful surges, a lot of people are already giving everything they can to believe.

It's not like it's impossible, or even unheard of, for us to make sense of the supposedly senseless. Afterall, she's using some very good points: we don't see the whole picture, the media are one-sided, we should focus on the present and not past mistakes- unless past mistakes can be viewed as someone else's responsibility, we need to support abstract ideals like MOTHERHOOD and CHILDREN, we need to fight them over there so we don't fight them over here. No wait- that last one's not hers, but it might work... No, I suppose not. Okay, the point remains; we are quite adept at making the pieces fit- at least to individual satisfaction.*

Maybe there are better things for a father of two young children to be doing than getting drunk, tagging, and being involved in shooting an old lady, but now's not the time for playing the blame game, rehashing mistakes, or questioning the decision to pay for Palo's defense when Carmen is homeless and $25,000 in debt from a previous legal case. Right now the only thing worth focusing on is how to support her boy's defense.

Maybe there's something to that, but Carmen's timing is a bit off. People aren't necessarily tired of crap. We just don't have the capacity to work with too much at once. General Petraeus will be giving his oral report tomorrrow, bombs keep blowing up, and with every American that dies, we're deeper into the pot. We're tapped out with just war, let alone pro-family politicians that aren't into their spouses, trying to believe in something like FREEDOM and the GWOT, or just all the day to day garbage we have to reconcile with who we think we are.

It's a lot to ask; yellow ribbons are on backorder and already committed to another purpose.

*I like to pretend that Iraq is a wonderful missions field- not to the Iraqis of course. I mean it's a place where American service personnel have the opportunity to really examine their lives and come to a personal relationship with Jesus. That's how I sleep at night.

Tainted Love
Black Boys on Mopeds- Sinead O'Connor
Vancouver- Violent Femmes
Beautiful World- Devo
Misterioso- Tito Puente
Do Ya- ELO
C for Conscription- The Almanac Singers
Is This Love?- Bob Marley & The Wailers
Helium Bar- The Weirdos
Bodies-Sex Pistols
Message From The Underworld- The Weirdos
She Came In Through The BAthroom Window- The Beatles
Painter Song- Norah Jones
Just Another- Pete Yorn
C-C- Tom Vek
Bailey's Walk- The Pixies

Care Less

When I go back over my internetsjournal the errors sometimes stand out like... I don't know... like something that stands out. I don't mean errors of judgment regarding content or analysis- those are always as they should be. Of course, by that I mean errors of judgment regarding content or analysis are there but exactly as they should be. How could they be anything else? What are not as they should be are the errors of grammar, syntax, and diction, except for those times when they are.

I think I left out a whole word two posts ago. Where was my brain? Transposing words? Misspellings? Come on!

There are those who seem to craft their blogs with a deliberation and delicacy that I... Envy? ... No that's not the word. I admire? ... No it's not quite that. What is it I do? Oh- I know- There are those who craft their blogs with a deliberation and delicacy that I view with derision.

That's what it is. Derision.

I'm Sure That's Caesar's Or Some Such

I have heard Christians suggest that if THE CHURCH did what it was supposed to, THE STATE would be unnecessary. That's a pretty big "if" though. Forget for a moment what that assumes about the nature of a state and the institution of the church, it is a bit of a dodge isn't it? It seems like a way for a stripe of Christian to say, "If only we could be more church, all these political things could be ignored," or, "Less government is better because it allows me to work on being more churchy" (though this seems a more ideological claim than spiritual). So in pursuit of that "if" some Christians might separate their Christian identity from any type of cultural or political identity.

Maybe that's something, though it seems a weird split. We hope to remain untainted by politics, wether they be the dirty political decisions of others or our own unsavory political leanings that we have trouble reconciling with our Christian identities (I seem to be assuming that many see politics as something that dirties). Maybe we think x is bad because it's political so we stay away from it. Or maybe we think x is itself bad, but we separate it from who we say we are as a Christian so it does not taint us as we possess it. Or, it may simply be a matter of not wanting to tell someone else what they ought to do, so we are politically circumspect. That is, politics must be something the community does not address. After all, if there's one things Christians resist, it is saying anyone ought to do anything, right?

Maybe that's thinking it's more than what it is. Maybe what people have meant by that is just the suggestion of some anarcho/libertarian paradise wherein everyone does what they ought so no form of governance is necessary (other than one's totally sanctified, though isolated, reason).

In any case, they're each a part of a Christian identity and a political position. I find all of those problematic though better than claiming unequivocally that I know exactly what it means to be a Christian that has fully integrated the practices of my faith into my desire for theocratic governance.

If I had to choose... if I got to choose I would opt for someone like the above than the following:

"Two organisations, Veterans for Common Sense (VCS) and the Military Religious Freedom Foundation (MRFF), demanded an investigation Tuesday of Daniel Cooper, President George W. Bush's undersecretary for benefits at the Department of Veterans Affairs...

Their complaint stems from an appearance Cooper made in a fundraising video for the evangelical group Christian Embassy, which carries out missionary work among the Washington elite as part of the Campus Crusade for Christ.

In the video, Cooper says of his Bible study, 'it's not really about carving out time, it really is a matter of saying what is important. And since that's more important than doing the job -- the job's going to be there, whether I'm there or not.'"

IPS News

Good

D. James Kennedy of Coral Ridge Ministries and the Reclaiming America for Christ movement is dead at the age of 76.

He supported Israel, opposed abortion, protected marriage, condemned gay, and kept the shaggy DA employed- how could he languish for 10 days and die?

I yuss keeeding

I know someone was waiting for something like this- or a lightning bolt- in response to the so-called Land Letter.

Oh, and by the title I mean it's good that he's in heaven of course.

She Couldn't Help Thinking That There Was Little More To Life...

... somewhere else.

American Girls' Suicide Rate Highest in Decade

I didn't even realize that was a part of the story arc for even one of them, let alone many.

ATLANTA — The suicide rate among preteen and teenage girls rose to its highest level in 15 years, and hanging surpassed guns as the preferred method, federal health officials reported Thursday.

The report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention suggests a surprising reversal in recent trends.

The biggest jump _ about 76 percent _ was in the suicide rate for girls ages 10-14 from 2003 to 2004. There were 94 suicides in that age group in 2004, compared to 56 in 2003. That's a rate of fewer than one per 100,000 population.

Suicide rates among all American young people, ages 10 to 24, fell 28 percent from 1990-2003. But in 2004 it shot back up by 8 percent, driven largely by increases among females aged 10-19 and males aged 15-19.

AP/Huff Post

Oh that's what they mean.

ed.- good grief, I kept screwing this one up.