I Am What I Am- and You Am What I Say You Are

Last week sometime, Too Hot To Hoot* asked me about my cinematic man canon. I had to admit I don't have one, so I figure I should get right on making one. I guess it's not very manly to admit not having a man canon- and I guess my conception of manliness, and the men I know, make having a man canon difficult for me. But maybe it's something we can work on. Anyone want to work on my man canon with me?

That joke's probably not as funny as I think it is... oh well.

Funny or not, I do not have a list of movies that I say are part of being a man or relating to other men. There are movies that I think are "must sees" but I don't know how they relate to what I think it is to be manly. Even my estimation of what it is to be manly may need some work. It may be putting the cart before the horse, since I don't really have a sense of what is essentially manly- but I will create my canon. And since I am a man, it will be my Man Canon.

I think it'll be a work in progress. I may come back to it to add more selections... Boy I don't even get the idea of canon right, do I?

I don't know if the choices I make will have anything to do with my penis. Similarly, I don't think your disagreeing with my choices means you have a girl penis. Maybe. In any case here are movies I think you should see before you are dead, not necessarily because they are great, but because maybe you'll get more of my jokes if you do. You tell me if they are related to my penis and testosterone producing balls.

This should be some good filler since I probably won't be posting anything else until the end of the semester.

Here they are in no particular order:
Raising Arizona
I [Heart] Huckabees
Young Frankenstein
Magnolia
The Thief of Bagdad
SpongeBob SquarePants The Movie
Caddyshack
Life Is Beautiful
Pulp Fiction
A Night at The Opera
Fargo
Master of the Flying Guillotine
Zoolander
The Godfather I & II
Jaws
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Aladdin
Bottle Rocket
The Crimson Pirate
The Hudsucker Proxy
Ghost Busters
All Quiet on The Western Front
Moulin Rouge
A Very Long Engagement

Now that I've written this, it seems very manly. Maybe that stems from having some sort of objective list against which you are measured. Yes- I can judge you by some objective standard and see if you are good enough for me. How does that feel? I control you. From what I understand, if you don't like any of these movies, your penis will fall off- even if it's a girl penis.

I'm definitely going to make the list longer so the standard becomes more rigorous and gives me more control. Just you wait- I'll use my Man Canon as a bludgeon to beat you into conformity.

*Remember, I'm not allowed to use anyone's name anymore.

Oh Right, This Is Why I Logged In

Once again the QweenBean and I are opening our home for a holiday celebration. If you can read this you are invited to
our Thanksgiving Feast and After Party. The feast is at 5PM and the after party is... after. If you're coming to the dinner portion let us know.

Here's home.

Why That Face?

Every Sperm Is Sacred
While in Missouri, it was impossible to go five minutes without seeing some type of anti-abortion propaganda. There were billboards literally in sight of each other with pictures of babies doing non-baby things along with some corresponding copy- like a pre-cognitive baby photographed at the moment their fist is at their chin so they seem inquisitive, and then a thought bubble reading "Did you know... life begins at conception?" They struck me a bit like those black and white posters highlighted with bits of color, where children in adult clothes do adult things and give me the creeps.

Anyway, along with the barrage of infants thinking, there were also probably as many billboards telling me who to call to get a vasectomy reversed. I thought it was strange but didn't give it much more thought until I heard about these crazies. Quiver Full Ministries will provide you with the immaterial resources you need to raise 6, 8, 13, hell, even two dozen kids. And if you've gone and done something horrible like have a vasectomy, Blessed Arrows will help you repent by paying for a vasectomy reversal. Doesn't their animation seem disturbing- on many levels?

Anyway, if you're not having a full quiver of children, I'll see you in hell... from heaven. Or maybe hell, I'm not sure what their theology would do with me. I continue to have sex knowing that reproduction is not likely... I'm guessing they probably would focus on the intent and openness to children... No that's still no good for them since gay people might want to have children and be completely open to the possibility... What to do, what to do?

Speaking of crazy ideas about sex...

You Won't Go Blind, But Your Head Will Explode And You'll See Cartoon Characters Everywhere
MY PRESIDENT's new appointee for a role at the Department of Population Affairs says sex causes brain damage. He has pictures and big words to prove it. So, kids, don't have sex. Finally irrefutable proof, modern science has all the answers we need and they, conveniently enough, correspond to the instructions we seem to find in the Bible.

Some people might say positions that say GOD=SCIENCE are just as absurd as BATS=BIRDS. But obviously they're wrong. Unless... (I'm rubbing my chin and and gazing at the ceiling)... Nope that's the way it is.

Speaking of heads exploding...

Who Says Never Swear, Neither By Heaven Nor Earth?
Because I hate myself I often sign up for various newsletters, articles and releases that often have the subtitle "Where's the Outrage?!" Articles like this.

You may have heard the first Muslim ever was elected to Congress. Are you outraged yet? Well dig this: he swore on a Qur'an. Did you crap your pants? Let me say it again: He swore on... (wait for it)... A QUR'AN!!

I guess there's a lot wrong with me if I find this event just as meaningful (read meaningless) as swearing on a Bible, a dictionary, a hymnal, or stack of comic books. But the outrage and fear she's trying to muster about this, that I like. That means something. I especially like this:

Ellison will be sworn in on a Koran. So now the Bible is equivalent to the Koran in the halls of Congress? Doesn't this then mean he is pledging allegiance to Islamic Law (Sharia) rather than our Constitution? Where is the outrage here? He will also bring his prayer mat and pray to Mecca. Ellison is a Sunni Muslim.

Oh in case you didn't know, BIBLE=CONSTITUTION.

Speaking of Muslims in Congress...

I Feel Like Saying "You're a Dirty Redneck That's Going to Lynch Me"
Glenn Beck is a dough faced AM radio guy that got a gig on CNN's Headline News. I understand it's a saturated market- what's an inarticulate, humorless, "conservative" white guy to do to prove that he, at last, speaks for us. Well how about stooping even lower than the others? That's not easy, but he's making some progress. One way he's done that is to disregard all the KKK, Council of Conservative Citizens, Christian Identity Movement, and other white supremacist affiliated and supported Representatives and Senators in Congress, and ask the one American Muslim to prove he's not allied with any foreign groups that don't want us in their backyards.

With that being said, you are a Democrat. You are saying, "Let's cut and run." And I have to tell you, I have been nervous about this interview with you, because what I feel like saying is, "Sir, prove to me that you are not working with our enemies."
And I know you're not. I'm not accusing you of being an enemy, but that's the way I feel, and I think a lot of Americans will feel that way.

GLENN BECK=PURE KOUNTRY

Is This A New Feature?
There is No Greater Love- Dizzy Gillespie
Freedom of Choice- Devo
Taxman- The Beatles
Break My Body- The Pixies
Sitting in Limbo- Jimmy Cliff
Wild World- Jimmy Cliff
I'm Tongue Tied- The Magnetic Fields
Fleshdunce- Dead Kennedys
Rock 'n' Roll Suicide- David Bowie
London Calling- The Clash
Iron Man- Black Sabbath
Adult Books- X
Electricity- Talking Heads

You're Killing Me, Larry

If you're not familiar with Sit n Sleep and their commercials, consider yourself lucky. Even just thinking about them, the stupid catchphrases are stuck in my head, and probably will be until iTunes pulls up an ABBA song (c'mon Waterloo). Their commercials are stupid and annoying, as are a lot of commercials. I'd embed a video of the commercial as a point of reference, but apparently no teenagers have thought to upload any to YouTube. My point is not that they're stupid. Like I said, that's not much in the world of commercials. I think they also happen to be anti-semitic. Oh I found them.

I have no problem with using stereotypes in satire or to make a good point. Dave Chappelle using stereotypes to undermine them and mock the people who actually believe they are useful tools for negotiating life or controlling others is perfect... mostly.

Whatever.

Sit n Sleep's use of cheap Jewish stereotypes is for nothing more than selling mattresses- talk about a shonda. An accountant named Irwin with a whiney, nasally voice complaining about how much money they're losing... am I the only one who sees this? Really?

M'eh...

Maybe I'm paranoid, maybe I'm just a baby, maybe I'm just smarter than most people, but I notice these things. You need me. You need me to see these things. Things like the convergence of the Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act, the secret listing of Americans who cannot enter or leave the country, the Justice Dept. and courts saying non-citizens can be held indefinitely without trial, and MY PRESIDENT saying it's exceptional that we still held elections even though we're at war.

A nutshell:
a.) Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act: If you cause economic loss for a business via any form of protest you can be declared a terrorist. (Read- if you sponsor a successful boycott or peacefully picket a place and customers are turned away, you're a terrorist)
b.) You can be secretly placed on a no entry/exit list, even with a visa, and have no way to challenge your placement because the whos, hows, and whats of the list are a secret, essentially making you a prisoner without trial.
c.) The universal rights of people and limits on a government's power to imprison people claimed in our Bill of Rights seems to not matter. Mix this with the increasing ways "the government" can label people terrorists, combatants, or otherwise outside of the protection of the Constitution, mmmm that's good tyranny.
d.) The Constitutional given that we elect our leaders isn't such a given if it's ever a surprise that we would hold elections.

If 9/11 changed everything- if it changed things to this, didn't "they" win?

Look I have papers to finish and essays to grade. You have to start putting these pieces together without me.

Okay- I know how we'll do this. Here's a test. Here's another commercial I'm a big baby about. In this case I am sure I'm right.
So what do you think?

Does it help if I tell you that Chevy named this commercial "RaHoWa?"

They didn't, but when it's this obvious do they have to?

Oh well; good luck.

Now Is the Time I Disappear
Delta 88- X
Superstition- Stevie Wonder
With a Little Luck- Paul McCartney
I Asked For Water- Howlin' Wolf
Talk About the Passion- REM
Gouge Away- Pixies
C-C- Tom Vek
Gimme the Car- Violent Femmes
Casey Jones- Grateful Dead
It Aint Easy- David Bowie
Brazil- Juan Garcia Esquivel (how appropriate)

Remember The Magic

It seems I'm too cranky to have a sense of humor these days, so I'm posting this 'cos it makes me laugh inside and I told I Like Girls I would.

Sigh

We Care About Money, Remember?

In Iraq right now, there are a number of private contractors doing the work that used to be done by the military itself. Everything from digging latrines, to providing meals, to security, to the torturous interrogation of detainees is done by private firms like KBR, Global Risk Strategies and Blackwater. Then there are the contracts for building Iraqi infrastructure: schools, hospitals, roads, water systems, electrical grids. You know, the stuff that was there before but has to be rebuilt because we blew it up.

Things aren't going very well for these private contractors. That should be qualified, these private companies are making butt loads of money. In that regard, the only measure that may matter to some, these contractors are doing quite well. There is a lot of work for them to do. In fact the longer the occupation the more they make- guaranteed. The building contractors profit even if they don't get the job done. Their pay is typically based on a formula that guarantees them a profit whether they finish a job on schedule, under budget, or ever. The more it costs them, the more they get paid.

The security firms do not fall under military authority- technically they aren't combatants- but their bullets and bombs don't understand that technicality. The security contractors' missions are that of their clients: protecting cargo, passengers, gathering information- whatever. Their goals are profit, not necessarily the stabilization of Iraq. Similarly, the rebuilders of Iraq are not primarily concerned with stabilization or recovery- they get paid whether a job is done or not and the government agency responsible for auditing and overseeing progress and spending has been shut down and only recently (post November 7) has there been any talk about it reopening. For a few, Iraq and its people are a veritable pinata, whose burst open body and broken limbs are an ever flowing stream of goodies. The more it's hit, the more it gives. The head of Halliburton has made over $100,000,000 in stock value since the war began. Cool huh?

When I say things aren't going well for the private contractors, I mean they've been involved in torturing Iraqis, building shitty buildings and, falling short of their goals because of the government that governs least sends the least troops mentality that has fostered such a violent occupation. All in all we're paying a lot for the opportunity to crap on the Iraqis, and then charging them (and us again) for a shower that doesn't work. Making friends.

This is no accident, and while mercenaries and profiteers aren't new, they are present in unheard of numbers for an American conflict. This is the new military envisioned by a certain ideology- this is the military and a war of privatization. It's making Iraq more dangerous for everyone there. It is making troops and Iraqis less safe. And it costs a lot. Someone could easily say that profit is the priority in this situation. It definitely seems to be the most clearly outlined and pursued goal.

Blah blah blah...

So is this due solely to corporate greed? Is it an inevitable outcome of privatization? Is it just incompetence? Is it evil?

It's hard to describe this simply as a financial issue, because it isn't. Still, spending $300,000,000,000 to not catch Osama bin Laden is something.

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

or I Guess It's Okay When You Say It Like That

MILWAUKEE (AP) -- U.S. Sen. Russ Feingold has decided against seeking the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination, saying he wanted to focus on his work in the Senate.

In a letter posted on his political action committee's Web site, Feingold said he was excited that Tuesday's elections gave Democrats control of both chambers of Congress, giving them the chance to "undo much of the damage that one-party rule has done to America."

"We can actually advance progressive solutions to such major issues as guaranteed health care, dependence on oil and our unbalanced trade policies," he wrote.

NY Times


When you were a young'n did you ever have a crush on a professor or some such person? Did you go out of your way to ask them questions and do extra well in class so they would notice you? Did you work extra hard on your final paper and write them a note telling them how much you enjoyed their class? Did you contemplate staying on past graduation as their research assistant? You're a nerd.

I had a crush on a Sociology Professor at UCSB. She reminded me a bit of Dana Scully- no nonsense, assertive, thought-provoking, challenging, smart, red hair. Except she was better than Dana Scully; she was real, and a sociologist. Of course, if a crush like that is ever requited, the person on whom you have the crush is not really crushworthy. In which case, the whole situation is rather sad and pathetic, rather than mopey and a bit sappy.

So Russ Feingold is opting to not run for president, instead choosing to remain in a place where he thinks he can do more good for the country. The very quality that makes him so attractive for president makes him choose not to run... Of course those in the know say senator is the real peach public office; the cynical might say Russ Feingold is doing this as some self-serving, K Street-Republican, wealth-grabbing power play. To which I say, "I will fight you." I will fight you and use whatever I remember of my deadly martial arts training to cause a dislocation of your humeroulnar joint with a fracture of the radial head... or I will shatter your thyroid cartilage with a well-placed elbow or forearm. I'd like to hear you bad mouth Russ Feingold then... or... what else could I do? I could come at you as a giant Slor. Many Shuvs and Zools will know what it it to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you.

Oh what am I doing?

Russ Feingold is right. The Senate needs him. We need him in the Senate. He's decent and a good senior leader. America's not ready for a decent person in the White House- not just yet- maybe not ever. Because daddy didn't love us. Because nothing we did was ever good enough for mother. Because we're not ready. We still want someone that treats us as badly as we know we deserve. Russ can't fix that. We have to fix ourselves before we can deserve someone like Russ Feingold.

Maybe If We Think, and Wish, and Hope, and Pray It Might Come True...

Jon Stewart? Really. I literally said, "Now it's the Democrats turn to be perverted and corrupt." But what thanks do I get?- What payment do I get? Nothing. Even the knowledge that I came up with it first is like ashes in my mouth. Whatever. Like it's that clever of a joke anyway.

So I had someone come whooping into class yesterday saying how happy she was that Rumsfeld resigned and it looked like both Houses of Congress were going Democrat. That's cool. Being a hippy fag, I am happy to see this "thumpin,'" as MY PRESIDENT has put it. But, in the same vein, that is as a hippy fag, I am wary of the "election as climax" view.

I'm a liberal because I believe in the potential of the state to do good. I believe in cooperation, planning, a public, a common weal, responsibility to and for each other, and the real historic manifestation of these ideas. But I'm a Christian- so I see us individually as contingent, limited, prone to failure in our best efforts, selfish, easily seduced by power, and perfectly content to destroy everything, including ourselves, in our lust for that power. Though, also as a Christian, that's not the whole story; I am hopeful. I guess I'm a hippy Jesus fag.

I guess.

I don't buy into the fear. I'm not too worried about the Heterosexual Exclusion Act of 2007. I'm actually looking forward to some good old San Francisco values. I hope some good can be done. I hope the Feingolds, the Deans, the Kucinchs... Kuciniches... Kucinichen? will last longer and do more than the Clintons and Feinsteins. Expanding Medicare, raising the minimum wage, putting us back on the right side of the Geneva Conventions, grinding up old people and feeding them to the poor- there's some work to do I suppose. But won't it be nice if Congress actually does work, some function over dysfunction?

Eh...? Maybe? Fingers crossed?

Wait a Minute!

Dear Mr Jonas Koromah,

Who are you? I see you are using the same email address as Dr Nuhu, but I have not had any dealing with you before. What have you done with Dr. Nuhu and why are you contacting me instead of him? Explain yourself and this highly unusual interspersion into our business!

Demandingly yours,
skybalon

I Already Bought Calf Implants and a Hummer

Dear Mr skybalon,
Greetings and many thanks for your mail, 50650 was a mistake, I mean 50/50%.
 
Once again I assured to you that you have noting to worried about to comsummate this deal than to fill in the application and send it to the Bank.
 
This is my direct phone line 00226 7609 7028, so call me immediately you send the application to the Bank.
 
Mr Jonas Koromah.
 
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
 
 
 
ATTN: MRS JAMILA AMINA ALI,
The Director of Operations
Foreign Remittance Division
Bank of Africa (BOA)
Ouagadougou Burkina-faso.
Tel:Fax: 00226-5042-0179.
Email: (boa_g_headquters@excite.com)
Dear Sir/madam
LETER OF ENQUIRY AS TO THE STATUS OF ACCOUNT NUMBER:$286-41732-55. WHICH BELONGS TO MY NEXT OF KIN DR. GEORGE BRUMLEY WHO DIED ON JUNE 15, 2001.
I Mr ..(your name), of....(address)..........humbly applies to this bank today the.......(date)........as next of kin to your deceased customer late Dr. George Brumley from America.
I humbly apply putting claim over his balance with this bank valued at M 25,600
000.00 USD, left in account number:$286-41732-55 .
I also wish my application will be given an urgent attention as I wish this balance be released and re-transfered into my account as stated below.
BANK NAME: ................................................
ADDRESS:.....................................................
ACCOUNT NUMBER: ......................................
ROUTING NUMBER: .........................(IFAVAILABLE)
SWIFT NUMBER: ...........................(IFAVAILABLE)
BENEFICIARY: ..................................................
MY PRIVATE TELL::FAX NUMBER:-....................................Email:............................
I would appreciate your recommendation for an accredited notary to assist me in all legal issues that may arise in this transaction,Please, accept my apologies for this late application as it was due to family logistic problems consequent upon his funeral rights which have just been settled.
I hope you will expedite action, thanks in anticipation for your coperation.
 
Yours faithfully,
...............................
Your name and signature.

To Be a True Player You Have to Know How to Play...

As products of the larger culture, our churches tend to not be places where we can be honest about our sins and hope to be transformed into better people... Well the honesty about sin tends to be abstract and the better people we hope to become seems oriented about finding what does and doesn't work. We are still obsessed with being successful as the broader culture describes it, we just give the barriers and goals different names. Sin keeps you from being successful and if you're a Christian, you're giving yourself the best opportunity to hit those success markers: more money, bigger boobs, better sex, smarter kids, more access, etc... Our sins are little hindrances toward self-fulfillment. "The church" is just another association that augments my personal growth, it only has a value insofar as it develops my human capital. Remembering that we are creatures in service of God and each other doesn't really have a place in a model that values the self so much it is willing to destroy it.

So, as long as that's the church, I don't think we can be honest with each other and confess that Jesus is anything more than the most recent manifestation of some fertility god and that there is an end for humanity apart from a more powerful, more universalized self. But I also see no reason to fret, or any reason why we can't continue in this vein. I mean, I see it as a horrible, deadly illusion, but we're nothing if not adaptable.

So here's some help.

I think I have something that Ted Haggard can use as long as he wants to remain in the Fourth Stage of Evangelical Denial ©. It might even help him get back to Stage 1 and back on top of his game.

It's all a case of mistaken identity.

"Neil Patrick Harris is gay – and wants to quell recent reports that he had denied it. The actor tells PEOPLE exclusively:

"The public eye has always been kind to me, and until recently I have been able to live a pretty normal life. Now it seems there is speculation and interest in my private life and relationships."

People


Problem solved.

Abortions for Some, Little American Flags for Everybody Else

How angry of a Simpsons writer do you have to be to end the Treehouse of Horror on that note last night? It was neither one of those subtle moments when you turn to another and knowingly say, "It's true." Nor was it the kind of laugh out loud but socially critical comedy of Citizen Kang. At its best, The Simpsons have been one of the more biting shows. Even as old people like me bemoan what we see as the general decline of the show, the hits of the current 1 hit for every 2 misses era are often as big a hit as ever. And the Halloween episodes have remained especially relevant- not in a youth-pastory, goateed, middle-aged mom in a thong, do I say "sick" or "dope" way- but in that good old "These are our sacred cows; let's eat them," way. But last night's "It's true- we're so lame" ending was a bit... a lot sour. And still, what a hit.
That they could do this without being preachy or heavy-handed is either a testament to the writers or a measure of how preachy and heavy-handed I am. I guess it could be both. But that it's a cartoon, rather or more than TV news, our churches, or the branch of our government purposed with oversight that offered this clearly stated critique is a testament to how pathetic we all are. Isn't that what we want animated comedies to do for us?

I Will Own You

Dear Dr Samailla Nuhu,

I was beginning to worry that I might not hear from you again, but I was glad to receive your email this week.

Now that I know this is part of your program for concrete evidence of achievement in the banking industry, you have all my attention and confidence. Even as I write this with Reading losing to Liverpool, I am neither distracted nor discouraged. Maybe I'll buy a part of the team with all the money I'll have- I guess I don't want them to finish in the top of the table their first year in the Premiership. Then they might be too expensive- ha ha ha.

Anyway, it may simply be a cultural misunderstanding, but I don't know what 50650 means. Could you explain that please?

And as far as a check goes, I suppose I can agree to a wire transfer and then make my own giant check. I just thought it would make all of this a lot more special if you presented me with a check; but since I now understand that this will be the crowning achievement of your banking career, I can forgo the giant novelty check. I am glad to help you.

You have my willingness to assist. Please send me the draft application of claim. Let's get this party started.

skybalon

I Was Beginning to Worry

From : SAMAILLA NUHU
Sent : Wednesday, November 1, 2006 7:47 AM
To : skybalon
Subject : Update
Dear Mr skybalon,
 
Greetings and many thanks for your mail.
 
1.) I am confused, am I really the next of kin or are we pretending I am the
next of kin (wink)?
I still want to inform you that, this transaction is considered as part of my prospective achievement in life as a banker haven worked for years without concrete evidence of my achievement in the banking industry and thus ,must be given all the vital attention that will make it to work for our corporate interest to be achieved,the request of the foreigner as a next of kin in this GOD Gift is occasioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as the next of kin to a foreigner.

2.) Do you agree to the 85-15 split I suggested?
50650.
3.) Can we arrange that I be paid with one of those big foam-core novelty
checks?
In cheks also Good but I prefer account wire transfer.
  
I shall provide you with all available information that can enable you claim the fund for two of us whenever the bank needs more information from you in relation of the deposited fund, finally, don't forget that I am here to back you up and as such, you should not be afraid but to bring good ideas that will help us to get this fund into your account successfully.
 
Upon the receipt of your willingenss to assits, I will send you by fax or e-mail a draft application of claim which you will send to the bank as the next of kin and the next step to take. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this business is hitch free and that you should not entertain any fear as the whole required arrangement as been perfected for the transfer.
 
To read you soon.
 
Dr Samailla Nuhu

You Bred Raptors?

Hey kids,
In a controversial study, researchers have resurrected a retrovirus that infected our ancestors millions of years ago and now sits frozen in the human genome...

The researchers showed that the newly crated virus could infect a variety of human cell lines and replicate. But its infectivity was extremely low, perhaps because human cells have evolved resistance against such viral invaders...

"I think it's pretty exciting," says John Coffin, who studies retroviruses at Tufts University in Boston.

ScienceNOW via BOING

Haven't TV and movies yet taught us that everything "scientists" do will somehow kill us all? The only way scientists can help us is if they are just one of a handful of castaways on an uncharted desert isle. Even then, their benefit is limited, but then so is their destructive power.

I'm not as worried as I might otherwise be though- I mean "ancestors millions of years ago..." and "evolved resistance-" These guys can't be that good of scientists if they're working from premises like that.

Am I right, or am I right?

I Know Who You Are and Where You Live

QweenBean says I need to do a better job of protecting people's anonymity in my interblog. I say most anyone that reads it already knows who's who. She says that's why I need to watch what I write and about whom I write it.

Screw that.

But I do like coming up with nicknames and so will do a better job of not using anyone's real name.

That being said:

Happy Birthday, Grandpa.

Also, Reading's struggling with the big boys these days.

Sex, Drugs, and Watered-Down Adult Contemporary Pop

Ted Haggard, gay! Or he maybe just had sex with another man. You may or may not know who Ted Haggard is, but he might be gay. If you're a Christian in America, it's likely he's your pope- or like your pope. If you're a Christian in America, he's probably also part of the cabal of pastors, politicians, the psychologist, and talking heads that not only says how you think you should read the Bible you carry around in a nylon case, but also which bubbles you should fill out on your voting ballot. They're why you think Jesus rode a dinosaur to church and why when America does it, it's okay. They're who your pastor probably first consults before anyone else for the weekly concert and personal affirmation we call a sermon these days; they're consulted before even the Holy Spirit. Ted's the head of that "they." He meets with MY PRESIDENT, or at least met with MY PRESIDENT, regularly- as his spiritual advisor. MY PRESIDENT said they agreed on everything except what kind of truck to drive.

And now... well I don't know about "right now" but as of late, Pastor Ted has resigned his positions as head pastor of his church and president of the NAE so that a full investigation into the allegations can occur.

What allegations? Well, a former prostitute has alleged that he and Pastor Ted have had sex and drugs. He alleges he has proof. Pastor Ted has begun the process of Evangelical Loss- it's a five step process that begins when status or position is threatened. He seems to be at step three right now- Well he was at stage 2 last night. According to Morning Edition- and I can never be too sure about what I hear on Morning Edition given the Snooze Button dream-like haze I hear it in- he may be at stage 3. Stage 1 is denial. Stage 2 is qualified denial pending an investigation. Stage 3 is admission of indiscretions. Stage 4 is blaming someone/thing else- perhaps the liberal media, alcoholism, a Catholic priest, or Bill Clinton. Stage 5 is the book tour.

Some people, for a number of reasons, will delight in this. The hypocrisy, the proof of sanctimony, the justice of the unicorn, the irony, are sometimes the only good things people know. Maybe people like to see Christians fail- a lot of the time it's because Christians give the impression that they can't, or don't. I don't know what all will motivate people. I do know, people who didn't know who Ted Haggard is, will know now and feel very satisfied.

It's sad. Pastor Ted's betrayed his family and this guy; he's sinned against God. It will be made all the more sad if Pastor Ted does in fact go down the road of Evangelical loss following in the fresh steps of the likes of Tom Delay, Ken Lay, and Ralph Reed. People who call themselves Evangelicals these days generally don't know what to do with something as strange as guilt. But then how could we/they if the whole foundation of our/their lives seems to be "I believe in Jesus so whatever I do is okay, unless it's not, in which case someone else made me do it."?

Wow, that's a really unfair caricature.

Anyway, as I said, Pastor Ted seems to have admitted some type of wrong-doing. I don't know what that means- maybe all he did was go see Wicked and had brunch, that might be bad enough for Colorado Springs. Or maybe he [redacted] a [redacted] while he [redacted] his [redacted] on a leather [redacted] in his mouth. Like I said, I don't know.

What I do know... think... struggle with... We (Evangelicals?) have done such a great job of making it clear gay people are not welcome in the church that it seems we're not really the church. We have such a reified picture of gay as some absolute other, that we have no need to deal with it or people we place into that conceptual category apart from some very bizarre and dangerous criteria. What's that worth? That's definitely not being the Body of Christ.

So he sinned against his family, this guy, and God... I guess allegedly. Well, not allegedly. I suppose whatever his specific acts may have been, whether it was smoking a slim cigarette or smoking a... no that's too blue... whether it was drinking an Appletini or... doing something else, he felt it was worth resigning his positions. But he possibly did his church a favor. Some chickens need to come home to roost. Maybe, it's providential... yeah "maybe."

Maybe, I guess I should say hopefully, the most influential Christian in America going through all this will help us see that gay people are (wackily enough) people. We're not the church if there is some scary evil "other" that we feel comfortable and confident excluding and by that confirm our own goodness or against whom we define down our own sin.

Or we can just take the next step down the road we're on- look harder for the gays, line them up and kick them out, then build our walls higher and thicker.

ed- derived apologies to SNL

No Complaints, But How About Some Variety iTunes?
Girl- Beck
Ed is Dead- The Pixies
So. Central Rain- REM
Lovesong- The Cure
Lord Only Knows- Beck
Hey- The Pixies
Jamming- Bob Marley
Don't Worry About the Government- Talking Heads
Hyper-Ballad- Bjork
Pretty Vacant- Sex Pistols
The Duke- Miles Davis