Finally! No Wonder You're Going Out of Business

Blockbuster has shipped The The Mystery Science Theater 3000 Collection, Vol. 2 - Pod People

You're invited.

Nuts and Gum, Together at Last

I've just seen this. It's the trailer for Where the Wild Things Are.

I like Where The Wild Things Are, David Eggers, Spike Jonze, and Arcade Fire...

Yet something doesn't sit well... I know it's just a trailer but it seems far more mopey... wan... maudlin... wistful... emo-soaked... than the book has ever seemed to me.

Is it the pall of golden light? That world strikes me as more vibrtant.
The sad pale little boy peering sadly around the corner or longingly out a schoolroom window? Max always seemed more confident to me.

We'll see. I like to be surprised. (Remember I said that when you leap out at me from a dark corner.)

I'm Here to Ruin Your Day

So it turns out The Road is soon to be a major motion picture. I'm curious to see how it's been put to film but you should read the book before its release.

Even if it had not been made into a movie, I would recommend the book. I've been recommending it here and there, but my learning that it will be/is a movie has presented a kind of urgency, so...

Here it is: my global recommendation that you read The Road by Cormac McCarthy. It is the greatest theological book of the 21st century.

Really.

I warn you that it is bleak and haunting, conjuring images that are deeply disturbing and indelible, but I don't know of another book* that more plainly or unflinchingly holds a mirror to the reader and demands some sense of responsibility. It's a horrible, horrible book, starkly holding out what it means to be human, and who wants to confront that?

Read it. Quick, before it's a movie.
---

*I'd say we're largely out of the practice of biblical texts doing this, and I can't overstate how shockingly aggressive The Road is in this regard. As such it's a good text to push one into that place.

For Us, El Guapo is a Big Dangerous Man Who Wants to Kill Us

If you haven't an eye for obvious turns and cliches: Spoiler Alert

Remember when Billy Graham wrote that editorial in the NY Times about the My Lai war crimes and Lt. Calley's court martial saying we all know war is ugly so why harp on the mass murders, gang rapes, beatings, and mutilations of civilians and in any case we all have our own My Lai's to deal with whether it's an unkind word or thoughtless act so the actual My Lai isn't worth the divisiveness thinking about it might cause but we should pause and reflect on our own personal My Lai's in anticipation of Easter because what's Easter for if not relieving your conscience? No, you don't remember? M'eh well, there's no need to think about it now.

In any case, Billy did have a point there, sometimes, as they say, it's difficult to see the forest for the trees, or in his case, the war crimes for the individual babies heaved into irrigation canals and shot with machine guns or carved with bayonets.

So speaking of the big picture, did you see Indiana Jones and the Reason Brown People Moved Out of Caves? What a nihilistic abyss of a movie that was.

It would be easy to say only the first act of the last Indiana Jones movie is enjoyable, but then that would suggest there is a coherent whole of which that first act is a part. As it is, it seems the first portion of the movie is a bit of developed narrative and well-imagined world accidentally spliced with a long and boring chase, ending with Indiana Jones in a church. In a church? Yes, a church. But not in the type of churches that exist elsewhere in the world of Indiana Jones- existing externally to Indie as objects of investigation. Here, this church functions only as it can when all meaning has collapsed but one hasn't the decency to end one's life: as a last desperate means and symbol of validation and insular self-preservation.

This means something. Treasure isn't the real treasure, knowledge is the real treasure, except that real or pure knowledge isn't suitable to our dimensionally-fixed monkey brains, so friends and family are the real treasure, except friends and family aren't treasure at all, they're just what's left standing when the rugs been pulled from under you and if that's all that's left you'd best cling to it as tenaciously, if not as bitterly, as you can because treasure or not, it's better than nothing.

What?

If you're a baby, don't continue...

So, things start out as they ought, carefree youth speeds away as Indie is bound and wrapped up with a fascism indistinguishable from American militarism. We learn soon enough that Indie is alone in the world- communists and erstwhile comrades threaten his life. His own government finds him suspect. He's no family, no friends, no world of academia. In the most fitting tableau, wholesome Americana is revealed as a world of artifice and death, Indie can't choose death, still he climbs into a coffin- well, a state of the art, lead-lined refrigerator, clearly representing the death that waits at the end of the line for capitalism- so, a coffin. So he climbs in in an attempt to preserve his life, but he is cast out of that world by the agent of mid-century capitalism's savior (an atomic bomb) so he becomes worse than dead.

He is a man without a world.

Then there're some indigenous Meso-American helpers, some Meso-American baddies, a chase, a reunion, some sword fighting, ants, not aliens, and then nothing. If it had ended there it would have been The Graduate. But this is a different world. There can't be nothing. So we get to see the not nothing he chooses.

Indie marries the woman he abandoned years ago, becomes a father to the son he didn't know he had (even though he'd undermined the possibility of fatherhood and is unable to make it more than a performance of fatherhood) and props it all up with a church- THE CHURCH.

And to prove that it saved him, Indie puts his hat back on at the end.

Or it didn't save him and all that's left is this form of Indie that can't really exist, the unexamined Indie he is forced to compulsively play because he is unwilling to actively choose anything out of concern or passion- he settle only for what is left- even of himself. Is Indie really Indie if he's not being Indie all the time?

I knew you weren't a baby. Of course, we all have our own inter-dimensional aliens to face. We must climb into our own lead-lined refrigerators-coffins and journey along the perfectly licensable thrill rides that is our choosing existence.

M'eh.

Oh but more than "M'eh" stay tuned for something big. Rules and regulations are a'comin'.

What is There Between Bad and Good?

I read the Chronicles of Narnia books in fourth and fifth grade. I liked them enough then but when I returned to them later in life I found them stale and somewhat offensive. I know, I know it's CS Lewis- as a contemporary western Christian I'm supposed to love him. M'eh. From what I hear, as a Christian I'm also supposed to love the National Treasure movies but I'd rather watch a root canal than see those again.

I actually sat through the second National Treasure movie while getting a root canal. I went to a fancy oral surgeon that had beautiful, expensive monitors above the operating chairs. I found myself focusing on the reflection of my mouth surgery in his face shield rather than the movie.

Back to Lewis... the staleness of the books perhaps results from too desperately wanting to foist his Christianity into every aspect of his fiction. That is, with too rigid an agenda, he seemed to prevent himself from telling a story or creating characters that might be... well, stories and characters. As it is, they are merely stand ins for what he deals with elsewhere. That's what symbols are generally I suppose, and every author can only write what they can write, but it seems to me the art of literature is lost in his fiction. If I must, I'll affirm his work as an apologist, even if I could not swallow all of the content. However, for me, his fiction perhaps exists in a similar place as Anberlin's cover of Love Song stands to the world of music.

Like I said, as a child, I enjoyed it well enough. But unlike other books I loved as a child, Watership Down as an example, The Chronicles of Narnia did not survive into adulthood- or whatever else this stage of my life may more appropriately be called. (I'd even returned to Bunnicula as an adult and found it fun, what's with the rabbits?)

The offensiveness of his material is connected to the staleness. Perhaps he could do nothing else, but he is so much of a beautiful=noble=good=dominant=English world that there is little question about what could happen in his stories. Sure, for Lewis, Aslan is a lion is strong is Jesus and he kicks ass exactly as one might expect a lion to be able to do. Any weakness the lion shows is feigned and merely a part of a butt-kicking ploy and, clearly butt-kicking is what Aslan is about. Perhaps, given what things mean to us today, his Aslan would now have to be Chuck Norris or a nuclear warhead. He almost certainly could not use a lamb or a skinny, bald, peaceful, Hindu. That's a good enough segue. To be clearer, Lewis' fiction is likely as much about wagging his finger at a world that was rejecting the good and gracious dominion of English empire- the unquestioned rightness of the White Man's burden to deliver the blessings of civilization to the world tied to a justified fear of growing fascist movements- as it is about his Christian proselytization. And I would guess that expressing it this way separates the two more than they could be in Lewis' world.

So I saw the second movie this weekend. People will speak of the bloodless violence and death, it will be seen as better than the first, and fine for the kids but be careful because it's "darker" (read a bit plodding). And it will make enough money to feed a small nation.

That said It was better than having diarrhea (no one escapes my anus for long, The Blonde Buddha).

ed.-I replaced an open parentheses with a comma. I hope the integrity of the content has not been harmed and that people looking for a helpful review of Prince Caspian find one here.

The More You Ignore Me, The Closer I Get

Everything that I'm learning about The Golden Compass makes me want to see the movie or read the books. What I'm learning is that it looks awesome and that it is feared by some religious types. Perhaps my wanting to see or read it says I have a rebellious spirit or I'm a sucker for polar bears in armor.

Oh... right- There's no spoiler alert needed 'cos I'm not saying anything about the movie that is not already in the ether.

So, I hear it's supposed to somehow be atheist propaganda- or at least it impugns organized religion and a particular conception of God. I don't find that particularly troublesome, not least of all because there are many things about organized religion and particular conceptions of God that need impugning. Still, I see why that might bother some people, just like I can see why ham-fisted cartoons of Mohammed might bother some people too. What can I say? I can really empathize.

It seems like it could easily offend some people's religious sensibilities. If that's the case, then I don't see why someone shouldn't avoid it. I couldn't read the Left Behind series for largely that reason.

But atheist propaganda? From what I know, that seems a stretch. It's not a stretch insofar as religious babies misunderstand atheism- or believe too much in their own boogiemen. That is, it makes sense to see this as a type of atheistic threat if you're into the hype in much the same way it makes sense to believe that Iraqi Islamo-fascists will get into their boats and airplanes to follow us home.

From what I can tell, The Golden Compass does not seem like atheist polemic. It may be anti-theist, or theist of a stripe you're not comfortable with, or anti-religion, but not atheist. It's a lot like the Bible in that sense.

I should confess though, I might be an atheist. If I need to believe in God as some Santaesque bearded old man hanging out somewhere beyond the boundaries of the sky to be a theist, well, then, that's not me. And if I need to believe that there is one thing that is Christianity- that there is possibly some pasteurized thing that is pure Christian beyond any of the myriad forms that have ever been expressed so that I might be... whatever it is that would make me, then I guess that's not me either. So someone somewhere might think I'm an atheist. I guess that's fine. But I think an atheist is something else.

For good or bad, an atheist seems someone who couldn't care less about a god or many gods. It wouldn't make sense to say they don't believe in god as it suggests that there may be some type of alternative to do so or not do so. God just doesn't enter into the picture for them. Just as you likely do not consider the existence of luragrafs a matter of belief or not, an atheist would give no more thought to a deity. There is no thing in which they might believe, so why bother with the position? I suppose there are those who view the concept of god as something others might believe in and regard such belief as a harmless matter of personal superstition or a dangerous delusion and act accordingly. But here, as I speak out my rear on the matter, things in The Golden Compass seem anti-Christian or anti-religion and smart enough to not be anti-god. (I don't mean to say that the author may not be anti-god, but it makes no sense to be so or write an allegory that makes a case for that position- as it makes no sense to be pro-god and allegorically justify that position- maybe he realizes this. I don't know.)

Perhaps I should know better, but I don't find that wholly problematic. There is, after all, a lot in religion generally and the many expressions of Christianity specifically to be "anti." This may not be any fault of religion or Christianity. They are just things made by people, and, as the Blonde Buddha said, there are a lot of Christians who are easy to not like. It makes sense that they would craft a religion appropriate to their unlikeability.

I suppose if that's all there were or if I thought the church were some thing that needed to be kept safe in a garden I would be troubled. But I don't so I'm not.

It may be that Philip Pullman really is describing and advocating some metaphysical position and hoping someone, somewhere will say, "Hey, wait a minute- that group I keep giving my money to every Sunday is a crock." But I don't think that would be the fault of the movie. Though worse, I may be missing the Chick-reality behind it all, and with every copy of the book and every screening of the film there is an imp assigned to destroy the faith of the reader/viewer.

Tell you what, if that turns out to be the case, I'll buy you a soda.

In My Absence I Missed a Watershed Event in The Life of My Blog
Helter Skelter- The Beatles
Search And Destroy- The Stooges
My Iron Lung- Radiohead
La La- The Polyphonic Spree
Necromancer- Gnarls Barkley
Supermassive Black Hole- Muse
Power of Love- Jimi Hendrix
Turn A Square- The Shins
Who Are You- The Who
Coffee Mug- Descendents
Las Abajenas- MMF
Blitzkrieg Bop- The Ramones
She Watch Channel Zero- Public Enemy

Tonight We Dine In Hell...

... and talk about movies.

skybalon: It looked really cool but it was so over the top, I don't even know what it was about
Osama: That doesn't surprise me... It was about passion, and freedom, and being willing to die for what you believe in.
skybalon: Homoeroticism?
Osama: You see? This is why your people are weak, this is why you will destroy yourselves
skybalon: "your people?"
Osama: Yes, "your people." You believe in nothing. You're so cynical, and that's just a pathetic mask for your fear to care about anything or to keep you from seeing the extent of your moral depravity. You can't recognize zeal or are so afraid to attach yourself to anything that might have meaning you laugh at and attack those who believe in something
skybalon: Because we're not a comic book?
Osama: Fine- go ahead. This is your passion, making fun?
skybalon: Really- you're saying that 300 was about anything more than abs, blood, and a handful of boobs? It had nothing to do with passion, humanity, or even anything real. It was all about video game caricature and-

Tiffany: Hi, guys. Here's some refills
skybalon: Great, thanks.
Osama: Tiffany, could I get less ice next time? That would be great.
Tiffany: Oh, of course, I'm sorry- would you like me to get you another Sprite?
Osama: No- I'd rather drink this now- just remember for next time.
Tiffany: Sure. Your food should be right up
skybalon: Okay, thanks.

Osama: No one dies apart from Allah's will- so it is a shame to die cowardly. This movie is about the great reward for those who live and die for freedom and virtue- He would not allow their deeds to perish and this showed the greatness of their strength
skybalon: You're serious?
Osama: Yes-
skybalon: It was about freedom and virtue?
Osama: What? It showed us that those who are not willing to die for freedom are not worthy to live with it. It showed us-
skybalon: Come on-
Osama: I beg your pardon- I wasn't finished
skybalon: ...
Osama: It showed us the free man does not surrender to infidels and sinners. It showed us that without blood- no degradation or humiliation can be removed. It showed us that freedom isn-
skybalon: If you say, "Freedom isn't free." I'm going to vomit.
Osama: What- why?
skybalon: What, "why?" You're not saying anything. It's just like the movie- It's supposed to be inspirational or spine-steeling but it's just propaganda for chest waxing and puffy nipples. It's not about real freedom or strength- it's not even really about violence. And what you're saying is just as meaningless- you might as well just sit there and say, "freedom is good," and leave it at that.
Osama: Well it is good and I think this shows us how weak you are.
skybalon: Maybe. But what you're talking about isn't worth much. It's just a tossed off gesture like a yellow ribbon magnet, and you're just as shallow and weak as that is.
Osama: I'm shallow!? I'm weak!? I live in a cave- a cave! I've given up everything for my people's freedom. What have you done? What? Nothing!
skybalon: Settle down people are looking.
Osama: Good, I want them to look
skybalon: No- you don't-

Tiffany: BBQ Chicken Sandwich?
skybalon: Right here, thank you
Tiffany: Taco Salad- bleu cheese on the side?
Osama: Thank you
Tiffany: Can I get you anything else right now?
Osama: No, everything looks great, thank- El khara dah! Tiffany, There's Green Leaf in this.
Tiffany: I'm sorry...?
Osama: Do you put Green Leaf lettuce in a taco?
Tiffany: Oh, I see- I'm sorry, would you like me to get you something else or...?
Osama: No. I'd like you to answer the question- Do you put Green Leaf lettuce in a taco?
Tiffany: Uh... No- I guess not.
Osama: No you don't. If it's not in a taco, why would it be in a taco salad? I thought I was ordering a taco salad.
Tiffany: Of course, let me take it back and I'll get you another.
Osama: Yes please. And have it made right. Something like that really should be mentioned on the menu.
Tiffany: Absolutely. I apologize and I'll make sure it's out here as quickly as possible.
Osama: Thanks, Tiffany- you're terrific.

Osama: Next time we come here I'm just ordering a cheeseburger, In shah Allah.

Tonight We Dine In Hell...

... and have quesadillas.

I'm never going to finish my anniversary letter to Iraq. It was a great idea though- a love letter from a crazy man.

Oh well.

On to things I can finish- like my review of 300. I love blood and physics defying fight scenes. But more than that I love narratives that put into clear contrast the divisive ideologies and issues of our times.

I know there's some tadoo about whether this is an allegory for our current context and who's who, but I don't understand the confusion. Clearly King Leonidas, especially as he is heroically leading his soldiers into battle, fighting alongside them, facing down a technologically and numerically superior force is a perfect picture of MY PRESIDENT. I don't even think metaphor and allegory are correct terms. Leonidas in 300 is an exact representation of MY PRESIDENT. Leonidas is MY PRESIDENT. MY PRESIDENT is Leonidas.

When I think of the Spartan code- the drive, the austerity, the willingness to put tribe before any personal ambition or desire, how could I not think of MY college cheerleading, cocaine snorting, commitment avoiding, mountain biking PRESIDENT?

I was also very inspired by the, pro-eugenics propaganda, tribalism and Sparta for free Spartans. Not to mention the homoeroticism, disdain for religious irrationality, and standing naked in picture windows. That is so us.

So we are the Spartans, a small committed, simple Greek tribe, and the Persians are... everyone else. And everyone else is superstitious, sexually ambiguous, lustful, deformed, pierced, and creepy. Oh wait. We also have allies. But they're gay or wimps. And I suppose I can't say we are the Spartans. I guess I'm the Malian Ephialtes; what with all my contempt for hegemony.

That's cool too though. At least I know place.

So go see 300 and tell me if you don't see everything as clearly as I did.

The Voice of One Crying in the Wilderness

... but crying for notoriety or help?

Spoiler Warning: Though what I possibly spoil is not just a movie ending.

"Thanks to Delta airlines, you can now sit back and enjoy pedophilia while you fly in comfort across America. While there are certain passengers who may appreciate it, I don’t think I am alone in my convictions when it comes to the sexual exploitation of our children. I don’t like it."

Really?

You might think that showing kiddie porn would be a bad business move on Delta's part. You'd be right. However that doesn't stop Ray Comfort from accusing the airline of showing child pornography. From the sound of it, he saw (but didn't hear) Little Miss Sunshine on a Delta flight. (Well, I'm assuming it was Little Miss Sunshine based on his description).

If you don't know, Ray Comfort is a popular open air preacher. He and Kirk Cameron (yes, that Kirk Cameron) share a ministry that teaches certain methods of evangelism and a program called Way of the Master that is, sadly, not about ninja training.

It's hard for me to take this article seriously, that is, as serious outrage or a real call to arms. It seems too over the top and full of such hyper indignation. I don't see people that are really upset writing like this. It just seems disingenuous. But am I bothered simply because it's so laden with rhetorical outrage and sanctimony? Of course not, what do we have if not our feigned outrage- honest critique and dialogue? pffft.

Anyway, I'm bothered but I don't know if I'm disappointed or worried by this article. I don't necessarily share Ray Comfort's theological perspective and I'm suspicious of his coziness with reactionary and white supremacist people and groups, but I didn't take him for one of the Blue Meanies. I figured he was sincere and good but had some bad friends. But this?

We looked at each other and asked “How could this be happening?” This wasn’t some in-house meeting of NAMBLA where perverts were getting off on seeing a young child take her clothes off in the privacy of their own clubhouse. This wasn’t in some dirty little back room in Downtown Los Angeles. This was in front of mothers and fathers and their children on a domestic flight on Delta airlines.
What sort of twisted Hollywood scumbag is allowed to get this trash on a public airline?

What is this?

I'm disappointed if this is a shot at the big time. It's sad if this is Ray Comfort's attempt to catapult himself to prominence with a boycott- it's cynical and, frankly, unsophisticated (though, since first receiving the email, the article has been upgraded with a more forceful and clear form letter protesting to Delta). If he's trying to earn some Evangelical stripes, I understand. It's got the "think of the childen, save the flag, our enemies are monsters, Hollywoodphobic fear mongering, sign a petition if you love Jesus" marks that such a move needs but I didn't think this would be a move Ray Comfort would make. I'm disappointed; but I understand.

But maybe it's worse than that. Maybe I'm worried because the dance scene at the end of Little Miss Sunshine isn't sexy. There's something wrong with you if you view children as objects of sexual desire or interpret that scene as provocative. I guess that's a pretty horrible suggestion, but it's pretty horrible to know someone saw that scene as sexually stimulating. The intensity of the response only adds to the concern. The quick connection to pedophilia, child pornography, and NAMBLA seems like quite an odd jump to me. It makes me hope it is fake.

Maybe his not knowing what NAMBLA stands for should be reassuring.

We could probably challenge Delta's decision to show, R rated movies, even if they're edited, but this probably isn't the way to do it, especially if one really is sincere about it. Like I said, it doesn't seem like the article is really about what it says it's about- I just hope what it is about isn't as bad as what I think it could be about.

Maybe I'm just a jerk.

And This

Well it seems Too Hot to Hoot is not satisfied with his nom de nets. Try this-

Liver even?
Oh, Bob… Ok?
Stews, “Ah!”
As we tsk, “O’ Bob.”
-Ho never evil!

Oh and I think King Kong belongs on my Man Canon. The new one- not that lame old one. Have you ever seen that one? It's so bad- I mean Jeff Bridges as a hero- yeah right.

Speaking of Jeff Bridges...

I think the Big Lebowski goes on my Man Canon too.

I Am What I Am- and You Am What I Say You Are

Last week sometime, Too Hot To Hoot* asked me about my cinematic man canon. I had to admit I don't have one, so I figure I should get right on making one. I guess it's not very manly to admit not having a man canon- and I guess my conception of manliness, and the men I know, make having a man canon difficult for me. But maybe it's something we can work on. Anyone want to work on my man canon with me?

That joke's probably not as funny as I think it is... oh well.

Funny or not, I do not have a list of movies that I say are part of being a man or relating to other men. There are movies that I think are "must sees" but I don't know how they relate to what I think it is to be manly. Even my estimation of what it is to be manly may need some work. It may be putting the cart before the horse, since I don't really have a sense of what is essentially manly- but I will create my canon. And since I am a man, it will be my Man Canon.

I think it'll be a work in progress. I may come back to it to add more selections... Boy I don't even get the idea of canon right, do I?

I don't know if the choices I make will have anything to do with my penis. Similarly, I don't think your disagreeing with my choices means you have a girl penis. Maybe. In any case here are movies I think you should see before you are dead, not necessarily because they are great, but because maybe you'll get more of my jokes if you do. You tell me if they are related to my penis and testosterone producing balls.

This should be some good filler since I probably won't be posting anything else until the end of the semester.

Here they are in no particular order:
Raising Arizona
I [Heart] Huckabees
Young Frankenstein
Magnolia
The Thief of Bagdad
SpongeBob SquarePants The Movie
Caddyshack
Life Is Beautiful
Pulp Fiction
A Night at The Opera
Fargo
Master of the Flying Guillotine
Zoolander
The Godfather I & II
Jaws
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Aladdin
Bottle Rocket
The Crimson Pirate
The Hudsucker Proxy
Ghost Busters
All Quiet on The Western Front
Moulin Rouge
A Very Long Engagement

Now that I've written this, it seems very manly. Maybe that stems from having some sort of objective list against which you are measured. Yes- I can judge you by some objective standard and see if you are good enough for me. How does that feel? I control you. From what I understand, if you don't like any of these movies, your penis will fall off- even if it's a girl penis.

I'm definitely going to make the list longer so the standard becomes more rigorous and gives me more control. Just you wait- I'll use my Man Canon as a bludgeon to beat you into conformity.

*Remember, I'm not allowed to use anyone's name anymore.