Tonight We Dine In Hell...

... and talk about movies.

skybalon: It looked really cool but it was so over the top, I don't even know what it was about
Osama: That doesn't surprise me... It was about passion, and freedom, and being willing to die for what you believe in.
skybalon: Homoeroticism?
Osama: You see? This is why your people are weak, this is why you will destroy yourselves
skybalon: "your people?"
Osama: Yes, "your people." You believe in nothing. You're so cynical, and that's just a pathetic mask for your fear to care about anything or to keep you from seeing the extent of your moral depravity. You can't recognize zeal or are so afraid to attach yourself to anything that might have meaning you laugh at and attack those who believe in something
skybalon: Because we're not a comic book?
Osama: Fine- go ahead. This is your passion, making fun?
skybalon: Really- you're saying that 300 was about anything more than abs, blood, and a handful of boobs? It had nothing to do with passion, humanity, or even anything real. It was all about video game caricature and-

Tiffany: Hi, guys. Here's some refills
skybalon: Great, thanks.
Osama: Tiffany, could I get less ice next time? That would be great.
Tiffany: Oh, of course, I'm sorry- would you like me to get you another Sprite?
Osama: No- I'd rather drink this now- just remember for next time.
Tiffany: Sure. Your food should be right up
skybalon: Okay, thanks.

Osama: No one dies apart from Allah's will- so it is a shame to die cowardly. This movie is about the great reward for those who live and die for freedom and virtue- He would not allow their deeds to perish and this showed the greatness of their strength
skybalon: You're serious?
Osama: Yes-
skybalon: It was about freedom and virtue?
Osama: What? It showed us that those who are not willing to die for freedom are not worthy to live with it. It showed us-
skybalon: Come on-
Osama: I beg your pardon- I wasn't finished
skybalon: ...
Osama: It showed us the free man does not surrender to infidels and sinners. It showed us that without blood- no degradation or humiliation can be removed. It showed us that freedom isn-
skybalon: If you say, "Freedom isn't free." I'm going to vomit.
Osama: What- why?
skybalon: What, "why?" You're not saying anything. It's just like the movie- It's supposed to be inspirational or spine-steeling but it's just propaganda for chest waxing and puffy nipples. It's not about real freedom or strength- it's not even really about violence. And what you're saying is just as meaningless- you might as well just sit there and say, "freedom is good," and leave it at that.
Osama: Well it is good and I think this shows us how weak you are.
skybalon: Maybe. But what you're talking about isn't worth much. It's just a tossed off gesture like a yellow ribbon magnet, and you're just as shallow and weak as that is.
Osama: I'm shallow!? I'm weak!? I live in a cave- a cave! I've given up everything for my people's freedom. What have you done? What? Nothing!
skybalon: Settle down people are looking.
Osama: Good, I want them to look
skybalon: No- you don't-

Tiffany: BBQ Chicken Sandwich?
skybalon: Right here, thank you
Tiffany: Taco Salad- bleu cheese on the side?
Osama: Thank you
Tiffany: Can I get you anything else right now?
Osama: No, everything looks great, thank- El khara dah! Tiffany, There's Green Leaf in this.
Tiffany: I'm sorry...?
Osama: Do you put Green Leaf lettuce in a taco?
Tiffany: Oh, I see- I'm sorry, would you like me to get you something else or...?
Osama: No. I'd like you to answer the question- Do you put Green Leaf lettuce in a taco?
Tiffany: Uh... No- I guess not.
Osama: No you don't. If it's not in a taco, why would it be in a taco salad? I thought I was ordering a taco salad.
Tiffany: Of course, let me take it back and I'll get you another.
Osama: Yes please. And have it made right. Something like that really should be mentioned on the menu.
Tiffany: Absolutely. I apologize and I'll make sure it's out here as quickly as possible.
Osama: Thanks, Tiffany- you're terrific.

Osama: Next time we come here I'm just ordering a cheeseburger, In shah Allah.

Now Sit... I Said Sit!

A dog owner in the US state of Maryland says her golden retriever Toby saved her from choking to death by performing the Heimlich manoeuvre.

Debbie Parkhurst, 45, said she was eating an apple at home last Friday when a piece became lodged in her throat and she began to choke.

"The next think I know, Toby's up on his hind feet and he's got his front paws on my shoulders," she told Associated Press.

"He pushed me to the ground, and once I was on my back, he began jumping up and down on my chest."

Ms Parkhurst is recovering from chest and stomach wounds from Toby's jumping.

"I literally have paw print-shaped bruises on my chest. I'm still a little hoarse, but otherwise I'm OK," she said.
...

"The doctor said I probably wouldn't be here without Toby. I keep looking at him and saying, 'You're amazing'."

Ms Parkhurst and Toby have now been asked on to numerous US chat shows.

BBC News

That's garbage-

So she gets to be on TV because her dog is so poorly behaved it knocks her down and jumps on her?

I don't believe it. I believe her dog is poorly behaved, but I don't believe her dog saved her life. Well I don't believe it saved her life as she describes it. Her dog may certainly keep her from taking her own life out of loneliness and desperation, but I don't believe her dog saved her from choking.

But let's suppose it might be true. Forget how unverifiable this is. Her dog did knock her down and jump on her chest, sure.

Her bad dog raising and lonely gluttony led to the happy accident of her eating alone, choking, and her dog jumping, not only on her chest- because that won't quickly dislodge an object from your trachea, but also on her abdomen- hard enough to get that chunk of apple out. And then her dog licked her face because, as I Like Girls could tell you, that's the best way to keep someone from passing out or dying from asphyxiation.

Big deal.

We'll say it's true- but why is it a good story to tell? Dogs have been to space. Dogs have called 911. Dogs built the Eiffel tower. My dogs kept me from bleeding to death and reattached my severed thumb.

I nearly sliced off my left thumb while learning to juggle. Thankfully Chelsea had the presence of mind to knock me down, elevate my arm and apply pressure to my radial artery. Then Lily licked my wounds clean, (their mouths are cleaner than ours) applied a local anesthetic to my thumb, reconnected the internal structures, and did one of the cleanest suturing jobs anyone has ever seen on the top side of my thumb, though you can clearly see the suture tracts on the ventral side. What do you expect? She's a dog.

That's a dog saving your life story.

I have a scar on my thumb and dog hair on my shirt to prove it.

Why The Oblique Face?

WARNING: The following may cause some readers' monocles to fall out as they gasp, "Well- I never!"

If I say so and so is a pussy to mean so and so is weak or lame, I don't mean so and so is like a vagina- I don't know if that's what you think it's supposed to mean- but that's not what I mean. I mean someone is weak and lame. I also don't mean the "weak and lame someone" is womanlike by being weak and lame or that womanlike is weak and lame.

It might be that someone or someones used pussy to mean weak and lame because they thought vaginas were weak and lame and so connected the two ideas. Or it might be that some men identified all women as weak and lame, and since women have vaginas- perhaps it is vaginas that make women women- some men decided to call someone- most likely another man- weak and lame by identifying them as that which they thought made a woman a woman. So for some, pussy may be shorthand for "woman," which is itself shorthand for "weak and lame." I don't think there is anything essential to women that is weak and lame, so for me that connection doesn't make sense. I understand it, but it doesn't make sense.

Or maybe someone or someones used pussy to mean soft and effete and some other one or ones used it to mean vagina so they needn't be explained in relation to each other. Oh homophones- the confusion you can cause.

If vagina's the only thing pussy could mean then I wouldn't use it. I would instead say pansy. Of course I wouldn't mean a flower when I say pansy- I would mean someone who is weak and lame- and by that you may think pussy. And if you're still thinking vagina- I can't do anything about that. In fact, you should probably avoid the interwebs if your mind so quickly goes to vagina.

I also don't mean penis if I say dick, or anus if I say asshole.

So, I will purposefully say pussy, and you might take issue with it. If you do, I think it perfectly appropriate that you say something- only make sure you're saying something about my use of the word and not something else.

That said:

I finally brought myself around to trying to finish John Eldredge's Wild at Heart. I started it a long time ago when a friend of mine said it had changed her life. This change was evident by the fact that she continued looking for romantic relationships to provide her some sense of worth, only now she would no longer try to convert gay men and instead focus on finding fulfillment in the comic book masculinity of Eldredge's Christian men. I still couldn't do it- read it that is.

I looked up bullet ants after reading a pain scale for bug bites on BOING. They're the worst. I've been bit by fire ants and didn't think they were so bad- now I know why. They actually aren't so bad. Here's what I found about bullet ants though:

"Bullet ants are used by some indigenous people in their initiation rites to manhood (Bequaert, 1926). The ants are first knocked out by drowning them in a natural chloroform, and then hundreds of them are woven into sleeves made out of leaves, stinger facing inward. When the ants come to, boys slip the sleeve down onto their arm. The goal of this initiation rite is to keep the sleeve on for a full ten minutes without showing any signs of pain. When finished, the boys' (now men) arms are temporarily paralyzed because of the venom, and they may shake uncontrollably for days."

That's some expectation isn't it? Being a man means being bitten and poisoned by ants. I don't think that I could do that- I also don't think that has anything to do with being a man. But then, I'm afraid of bees.

So some five years later and I still haven't finished Wild at Heart and I don't think I ever will. That being the case perhaps I am not qualified to say if you think being a man is about being a literary type while somewhere else in the world children become men by being bit thousands of times by bullet ants, you're a pussy. But I'll say it anyway; if you think being a Christian man is about being a literary type while somewhere else in the world children become men by being bit thousands of times by bullet ants, then you're a pussy.

It's not that being bit by ants is more manly than wanting to be Batman. If you're a Christian, it makes as much sense to become a man by being Batman as it does being bit by hundreds of bullet ants. So in addition to the above, I should say if you think being a Christian man is about being a literary type even if nowhere else in the world children became men by being bit thousands of times by bullet ants, then you're a pussy.

Of course stoically being bit by bullet ants for ten minutes is more painful and requires more self-control than trying to be the movie character William Wallace. And post-ant-bites, there's probably strong connections from the shared experience that only the ant-bitten know that is stronger and likely more meaningful than the men who share the desire to be Robin Hood. But I wouldn't say it's more "manly." I would say it's more painful, requires more self-control and a sense of trust before and, builds camaraderie after.

I certainly think we should be able to endure much more than we do without complaining, and I'm all for the "spirit of camaraderie that exists between men, like you'd find only in combat maybe or in a pro-ball club in the heat of the peenant drive," but it's nothing to do with manliness.

But then, my point is not to compare the two. It's about what it might mean to become a man in light of being a Christian- or if it can even make sense to pose the question like that in light of being a Christian.

There is a difference between an adult and a child- there is some becoming involved but is it the Christian man's calling to become manly let alone more manly? Or, El Guapo, could it be that once again we are using words and categories that do not make sense for us as Christians to use?

I'm sure I am way behind the curve on this whole Eldredge nonsense, but the gender roles we idolize and the meanings Christians give to words like masculine and feminine are timelessly stupid, as are the things we say and do in light of these concepts. Our ideas of what makes someone a good leader or how one might perceive their own leadership could be a couple of those stupid things.

And now, true to form- I will leave this idea hanging there- underdeveloped. Ha ha.

You Say You Love Your Wife- You're Such a Woman
This Guy's In Love- Burt Bacharach
Adagio for Strings- Munch, Boston Symphony
Who Made You So Smart- The Briefs
I Wish I Had An Evil Twin- Magnetic Fields
Red Rain- The White Stripes
Island In The Sun- Weezer
Gimmie Some Salt- Clap Your Hands Say Yeah
Misty Mountain Hop- Led Zeppelin
Blue In Green- Miles Davis
'Tis Autumn- Stan Getz
Painter Song- Norah Jones
How Could I Just Kill a Man- Rage Against The Machine
It's Magic- Sarah Vaughan
3 Speed- Eels

In Fact, They're A' Peeling Him Off The Sidewalk

I don't think he cares, but MY PRESIDENT appeals to me when he talks about Latin America...

No...

I find MY PRESIDENT appealing when he talks about Latin America. Even though I distrust the neo-liberal model of the world that equates democracy with capitalism and capitalism with US economic colonialism, I find his thoughts on Latin America to be one of the few areas where he is speaking about something for which he has actual thoughts and cares. I don't buy almost anything he says about the region, but at least it is one of the few times he is not talking out of his butt. Or even if he is, at least his butt has given it some thought.

That appeals to me, though I don't think he is trying to appeal to me, or people like me.

I think this is a reason he appeals to so many Evangelicals.

By his design, or that of his handlers, he surrounds himself with like-minded loyalists who have no time nor need to consider any view but their own because they are right. I guess it's not just him- I know it's not just him. It's an entire culture.

Tom Delay has been on radio and TV lately hawking whatever it is the Devil has him hawking. He said things that were very telling. Tom Delay said it's been four years since America has been attacked by "these" terrorists and that's why we have to be in Iraq.

Really.

On national television- the former House Majority Leader called the Hammer for his reputation of disciplining those not in agreement with him said the US was attacked four years ago (?) and we had to strike back (?) and that's why we're in Iraq(?).

That's absolutley not true but that is his justification for why we are who we are.

He also said on NPR that he had a responsibility to destroy those that didn't see the world as he did and create a governmental structure that would prevent them from having any say in government.

His job was to eliminate those that did not share this false sense of the world?

John Bolton was on the Daily Show explaining this regime's conception of democracy: MY PRESIDENT- or any president- only has to represent those that voted for him. People that don't share or support your agenda are not Americans, at least they're not the right kind of Americans.

In case you didn't know, that's not democracy. Even if it's hard to define as it's actually experienced- it's not that.

Okay, maybe you say Tom Delay is an aberration and doesn't represent MY PRESIDENT or his ideology. And John Bolton's lost his job, so he isn't representative of what MY PRESIDENT is all about either. I'd say you're wrong and the whole history of MY PRESIDENT valuing loyalty over competence, dismissing and discounting alternative perspectives, fabricating and/or selectively believing and interpreting "facts," and the IGMFY mentality would say so as well.

Do you remember how Dick Cheney said, "simply stated, there is no doubt that Saddam Hussein now has weapons of mass destruction?" The being wrong part isn't as problematic as the "no doubt," because, well, there was a lot of doubt. At least others doubted it, questioned it, wanted to understand it. But there was no room for doubting the earth was created in six literal days- I mean, no room for doubting the existence of weapons of mass destruction because it did not fit in with their agenda or sense of what they wanted the world to be. Though I wouldn't guess Cheney actually believed there were weapons of mass destruction- it was just something necessary to affirm to get along.

And this current mess with the fired USA's fits right in with that. Doesn't it? I mean even if you think it's okay to fire otherwise competent federal prosecutors just because you don't like that they are investigating your criminal friends, isn't MY PRESIDENT's stonewalling and saying he and his employees have no obligation to tell the truth, and has no responsibility to anyone else leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth? It should.

America is only for those people who support them. They only need to address the interests of those who match up with their way of thinking. The world is for those who share their vision of what the world is and for. What a weird sense of America that is. What a weird sense of the world that is. But what a sense of America that seems to match up so well with what Evangelicals seem to think churches are for.

Is that where we are- is that what we value? Leaders who's greatest strengths are disregarding others and surrounding themselves with yes men? Presenting a world of cosmic war where you're either "we" or "other?" Creating a sense of fear and persecution and setting the truth of your claims on various types of coercion?

Our country's... and churches are being run by high schoolers- a certain type of high schooler anyway.

Tonight We Dine In Hell...

... and have quesadillas.

I'm never going to finish my anniversary letter to Iraq. It was a great idea though- a love letter from a crazy man.

Oh well.

On to things I can finish- like my review of 300. I love blood and physics defying fight scenes. But more than that I love narratives that put into clear contrast the divisive ideologies and issues of our times.

I know there's some tadoo about whether this is an allegory for our current context and who's who, but I don't understand the confusion. Clearly King Leonidas, especially as he is heroically leading his soldiers into battle, fighting alongside them, facing down a technologically and numerically superior force is a perfect picture of MY PRESIDENT. I don't even think metaphor and allegory are correct terms. Leonidas in 300 is an exact representation of MY PRESIDENT. Leonidas is MY PRESIDENT. MY PRESIDENT is Leonidas.

When I think of the Spartan code- the drive, the austerity, the willingness to put tribe before any personal ambition or desire, how could I not think of MY college cheerleading, cocaine snorting, commitment avoiding, mountain biking PRESIDENT?

I was also very inspired by the, pro-eugenics propaganda, tribalism and Sparta for free Spartans. Not to mention the homoeroticism, disdain for religious irrationality, and standing naked in picture windows. That is so us.

So we are the Spartans, a small committed, simple Greek tribe, and the Persians are... everyone else. And everyone else is superstitious, sexually ambiguous, lustful, deformed, pierced, and creepy. Oh wait. We also have allies. But they're gay or wimps. And I suppose I can't say we are the Spartans. I guess I'm the Malian Ephialtes; what with all my contempt for hegemony.

That's cool too though. At least I know place.

So go see 300 and tell me if you don't see everything as clearly as I did.

My Dad Works In a Shipping Yard

Oh so much to say, but the siren song of withdrawn, dead Germans keeps me from home. Home being someday offering an explanation of the previous post and, if it's still timely and, if I'm not seduced by the honey-sweet lotuses, finishing my love letter to Iraq on our anniversary.

But at least there's this. Something for the first day of spring

Springtime Prayer
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

For flowers that bloom about our feet,
For tender grass, so fresh, so sweet,
For song of bird, and hum of bee,
For all things fair we hear or see,
Father in heaven, we thank Thee!

For blue of stream and blue of sky,
For pleasant shade of branches high,
For fragrant air and cooling breeze,
For beauty of the blooming trees,
Father in heaven, we thank Thee!

Oh that's not right...- spring has turned out to be very unpoetic with its gloom. This is better.

De spring is sprung,
De grass is riz,
I wonder where dem boidies is?
Dem boids is on de wing,
But dat's absoid,
I always tot de wings wuz on de boid.

Anonymous until I hear otherwise.

Holding my tongue out of need with some difficulty.

Godless European Humanists Prevent Heterosexual Parents from Getting Married or Raising Their Own Children!!

"I just want to live with my family, and be left alone by the authorities and by the courts," she went on, in a hardly audible voice.
BBC

In a testament to the dangers of BIG GOVERNMENT and how far secular humanism will go to undermine the traditional family and its role in raising children, German authorities have taken children from Patrick Stuebing and Susan Karolewski and placed them in state care.

Patrick and Susan have been living together for the past six years and have four children together. They met and fell in love seven years ago but the state has refused to permit their marriage. And now, three of their four children have been taken from them to be raised by the state. Only their youngest, Sofia knows the love and security of being raised by her birth parents.

Even in the ongoing clash of Islamo-Fascism and the West we cannot lose sight of other battles being waged.It should give us pause to thank God for our CHRISTIAN HERITAGE and remind us of what's at stake in the BATTLE between our Christian American Worldview and the Atheistic Secular European.

It can't happen here? If you love AMERICA and JESUS send your friends this reminder of what we're FIGHTING for.

ed- #1 in the multi-part "This Is Our Faith?" Series. It seems hacky enough, even though I didn't include "definately" or "anyways" in it. There should be more time for that.

Homo Insipien Christianus

It may seem that the other day I was saying Christians are stupid. I bet some are, but is it fair to say that Christians are any stupider than most other people?

There's a lot of stupid out there and it's not all Christian. Skin Industries, Montgomery Gentry, grills, and The Real Housewives of Orange County are all stupid, and not the product of Christianity. So where does that leave us.

I was willing to say, "No," and still am, but we have to account for this. "This" being The Eagle Forum's Conservapedia. It turn's out it's not simply about conservatism, which, in the hands of a Grover Norquist or John Yoo is its own kind of stupid, it's about a particular type of quasi-religious, almost classical in its divine-right imperialist, type of conservatism mingled with Christianity.

If you go to Conservapedia you could learn "faith" is a uniquely Christian concept. It isn't, but you can learn that it is.

We can't always go by the entries alone. They are turning into a hilarious bit of wikicomedy so don't really serve as an artifact of conservative Christian culture. But the debates and rules about what is and isn't an appropriate contribution are revealing.

That whole foolishness to the Greeks bit can cover a lot of ground. But stupid is stupid. And just because there's a lot of stupid that's not Christian doesn't mean the unique stupid that Christians make isn't plenty stupid.

Still, I think it's unfair to say Christians in general are stupid. I qualified my previous post by saying some aspects of American Christian culture are stupid. Classic Grandpa offered the sad perspective that this stupidity goes beyond US borders, but I will not say all Christians are stupid. I will, however, say conservative Christians of the conservapedia type are stupid.

But ever gracious and optimistic, I will say I am holding out for the day when so much of this is revealed as performance art and the artists, Christians no doubt, can be hailed as geniuses who have been prophetically warning us all this time about the dangers of religiosity and legalistic showiness.

ed. note- The conservapedia page may not load and if it does, you may not be able to create new accounts to help out with their entries because the site has become very popular recently

I Like Stories

Last year the QweenBean and I went out of our way to see the Best Picture Oscar nomineees. This year?

M'eh

After Crash won Best Picture I wouldn't trust Academy voters or those in the know to tell me where to spend my 10 bucks. Maybe I should've figured that was the case before. After all, those in the know chose MY PRESIDENT, gave us all that great intelligence about Iraq, and now Iran. And voters? Well, whatever.

Not that Crash was bad. But it was exactly what you expected wasn't it? Kind of an adventure in After School specialdom right?

So we and the Academy aren't on the same page. That's no big deal. I guess it means we don't really have a dog in this fight. I liked Little Miss Sunshine, but Best Picture of The Year? I shouldn't think so.

But we still like movies, and we love Ellen. So here's what it's worth this year:

Cate Blanchett is gorgeous. I can't believe she's not one of my celebrity crushes. She is now.

Even with a backing track- some people cannot clap on the right beat.

Jennifer Lopez looks her age.

I would so vote for Al Gore... And, not that it should matter, I would absolutely rather have a beer with him than the guy who would poke you in the chest when you disagree with him.

To get interpretive dance right- don't give it more than 15 seconds.

Beyonce doesn't know where she is, or at least dresses like she doesn't

I still don't know who Jennifer Hudson is.

Oh, and just like last year, we had to make a trip to Target mid-Oscars. That's weird... And still gay?

Is This Legal

From: [skybalon]
Subject: Re: I did not
Date: February 23, 2007 2:03:54 PM PST
To: c_adams555@yahoo.it

Dear Cynthia,

I apologize if I have been unclear. I hope this does not harm our working relationship.

As I said in my last email, I am happy to help you with your money transfer. I hope that is plain. As for the musical, I will explain again.

In the 1960s, my father and his partners created a musical play called Hair. It has had a long and successful run all around the world. However it has only been produced for the people of Africa once. That was in South Africa.

Before my father died, he asked if I could fulfill his dream of producing the play in Africa again. I want to complete his dream, but up to now I have not known anyone in Africa that could help. This is why I think it is an answer to prayer that I received your email.

He left me a large sum of money to finish this project. I need to know if you can help me to produce this musical play in Africa for my father's dream. If you agree, we have $35,000,000 to work with. I will tell you the next steps necessary to begin financing the project.

I hope this is clear and you are available for the project.

Sincerely-
[skybalon]

What's Not to Understand?

From: c_adams555@yahoo.it
Subject: i did not
Date: February 22, 2007 11:58:45 PM PST
To: [skybalon]

Mr,
 
I did not understand you.
 
Cynthia

Return

From: [skybalon]
Subject: Re: Dear, Respectful One,WE NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE.
Date: February 22, 2007 7:28:34 PM PST
To: c_adams555@yahoo.it
Dear Inquiring One,

It is so very good to hear from you. I am glad you recognize how respectful I am and that my name is very esteeming.

I am only too happy to help you in your simple and sincere business. I previously had a business relationship with Dr. Samailla Nuhu of Burkina Faso, (do you know him?) but that never came to fruition. After praying for such a financial opportunity, it was devastating to my faith for it to all fall apart at the end. But now you have come along as a redeemer in my moment of distress. And it seems that I am the same for you. How wonderfully providential.

I am sorry to hear about the loss of your father, but as they say, "God doesn't close a door, or maybe in this case a coffin lid, without opening a window." I'm sure the death of your beloved father is as sad as Dr. Nuhu never returning my emails. But here we are. God has brought us together for this wonderful financial blessing.

I should add now that you also may benefit from this divine encounter. Not only am I a wealthy American, but my father on his deathbed left me with a special charge as well.

While he was dying, he called me over to his bed and told me two things:
He wanted me to fulfill his dream of breeding the world's longest horse, and to produce his musical play, Hair, with an all African cast in Africa.

I attribute his first request to the many pain killers he was taking as cancer ravaged his body, but I know the second was dear to his heart.

He left me a vast fortune so that I could produce his musical. I would be happy to help you but I don't need the money. I received an incredible inheritance of my own and have over $35,000,000 to produce my father's musical.

I hope we can make a deal. I will help you with your foreign investment and I can pay you to help me produce the musical play Hair.

I look forward to working with you-
[skybalon]

To: [skybalon]
From: cynthia adams
Subject: Dear, Respectful One, WE NEED YOUR ASSISTANCE
Date: February 21, 2007 5:54:08 PM PST
Reply-To: XXXXXX

Dear, Respectful One,

Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you.

I prayed over it and selected your name among other names due to it's esteeming nature and the recommendations given to me as a reputable and trust worthy person I can do business with and by their recommenddations I must not hesitate to confide in you for this simple and sincere business.

I am Cynthia adams,the only Daughter of late Mr and Mrs Dickson Adams My father was a very wealthy cocoa merchant in Abidjan,the economic capital of Ivory Coast before he was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their outing to discus on a business deal. When my mother died on the 21st October 1984, my father took me and my younger brother Vitalis special because we are motherless.Before the death of my father on 30th June 2002 in a private hospital here in Abidjan.

He secretly called me on his bedside and told me that he has a sum of $18.000.000 (EIGHTEEN MILLION, DOLLARS) left in a suspense account in a local Bank here in Abidjan, that he used my name as his first Daughter for the next of kin in deposit of the fund.

He also explained to me that it was because of this wealth and some huge amount of money his business associates supposed to balance his from the deal they had that he was poisoned by his business associates, that I should seek for a God fearing foreign partner in a country of my choice where I will transfer this money and use it for investment purpose, (such as real estate management).

We are honourably seeking your assistance in the following ways.
1) To provide a Bank account where this money would be transferred to.
2) To serve as the guardian of this since I am a girl of 26 years.

We are willing to offer you 20% of the sum as compensation for effort input after the successful transfer of this fund to your designate account overseas.

PLEASE CONTACT US THROUGH MY PRIVATE YAHOO MAIL BOX (XXXXXXX)

Anticipating to hear from you soon.
Thanks and God Bless.
Best regards.
CYNTHIA ADAMS AND BROTHER.

I Hate... So Much About The Things That You Choose To Be

I've mentioned before that Way of the Master is, sadly, not Ninja training. And guess what- Ultimate Battle Update has nothing to do with Ultimate Fighting.

It is instead an Inter-active Christian Reality Show Blog. Never mind that it's not really any of those things or that those words make about as much sense as yellow ping gravy manny, those words sound awesome together.

It is also "Infotrainment." From what I can gather, infotrainment is a mix of an albino Jesus (who doesn't seem to know what an "interview" is), misspellings, animated demon Ben Stiller, and Dominionist propaganda.



(sigh)

Do I ever get tired of complaining?

Probably not today.

Maybe it's because I'm able to temper things with stuff like this.

Panaphonic, Magnetbox, and Sorny

Mexican Grandma Who Was Really French used to give the best worst gifts. A globe. An LED key chain. A coin purse. An eye glass repair kit. A bike lock. Underoos well past the age Underoos were desirable but before the age I would have wanted them ironically. A handheld "drum machine" that clipped to my belt called the "Rap Mate." Drugstore colognes in train and car shaped novelty bottles. A baby blue satin driving jacket.

Those things were awful, but they were possibly wonderful in their oddity. These things were so unique, unexpected, and outside the boundaries of our gifting standards, they were probably the closest things to a gift we could actually know.* In their strangeness they were lovely and exciting.

But just as one takes the miserable lows along with the exhilarating highs of bi-polar disorder, (That's right, I'm comparing wacky gift giving to the emotional chaos and frequent physical danger of mental illness. I'm also going to compare it to the crap Christians create and embrace. How about that?) her gifts could be a disheartening demonstration of loneliness and alienation- a hint at the vacuous reality of relationships and the chasm between generations. They betrayed our distance from each other and threatened all other relations as illusory and tenuous. Many of her gifts to me, and likely mine to her, were intended as gestures of love that instead revealed how little we knew each other.

Or sometimes they just showed how incredibly unhip Mexican Grandma is.

I don't know.

But in addition to the wacky, was the lame. When I was Kid Skybalon, she seemed aware of my life, or at least popular kid's culture, enough to know that I played with changing robot toy cars, but not enough to know that they were Transformers. Oh sure, Transformers represented the corporate takeover and hyper-branding of kids, wherein childhood became one long commercial. But gimme a break- I was a kid. I wanted Transformers. If I was lucky I got GoBots. If I was me, I got "Robotcar With Fast Styling!"

If Transformers were bad, the knock offs were worse. They were parasitic; the cheaply and quickly produced Radio Shack and swap meet copies made you think the artless consumer culture they emulated was worth something.


Oh enough of the set up- this is about Christianity... or one aspect of American Christian culture. We are the Creed of our musical gruel. Walker Texas Ranger. Left Behind. Christian as an adjective is so frequently synonymous with lame.

Why are we so often the 99 cent store of our strip mall culture? A strip mall culture is something to want? We seem to have a vague sense of what is popular- whether it should be or not- and go nuts making lame knock offs and awkward references.

We broadly embrace- not just live in- but value and support a materialistic consumer culture of marketed identity and lifestyle.

Good grief. It's bad enough that there's so much garbage- that so much human effort goes toward creating waste intentionally rather than incidentally, but to create even more- and of a worse quality?! Why do we pour so much of our talent, energy, and resources into some insatiable belly. There is what is worthless, and there are our Christian copies. Maybe both show we don't know what really has value. Why is that?

Any Garbage Here?
Another Demo Tape- Quasimoto
Flauta y Timbal- Tito Puente
Mike Mills- Air
My Beloved Monster- Eels
Working In The Coal Mine- Devo
Caroline No- The Beach Boys
wooden Ships- CSNY
Bridge Over Troubled Water- Simon and Garfunkel
Because- The Beatles
Go to The Mirror Boy- The Who
Clampdown- The Clash

*You can learn more about the aporia of a gift at your local library. Ask your librarian for Given Time by Jacques Derrida.

Children Are The Future, Unless We Stop Them Now!

The United States and Britain ranked as the worst places to be a child, according to a UNICEF study of more than 20 developed nations released Wednesday. The Netherlands was the best, it says, followed by Sweden and Denmark.

LA Times

So kids here are worse off than in the Netherlands, Sweden, and Denmark. Sure, but don't they say you have to wait in line and fill out a bunch of forms to see a doctor there? It's not true, but isn't that what they say? And don't they all live together without geting married? And don't they have boxy cars and cheap furniture? And pickled herring?

So what would you rather have, a greater chance to grow up healthy, literate, well prepared for the future with a sense of social responsibility, but the future is in the Netherlands or take your chances here?

US to Attack US

MY PRESIDENT says that he will do what he has to do to protect our soldiers from Iranians who are killing American soldiers. That might include bombing Iran, kidnapping Iranians, killing Iranians or anything else that Iran might take as an act of war. He says this because Iranian components have been found in a handful of explosive devises being used in Iraq against coalition forces.

This may be the case- it's hard to know when the boy has really seen a wolf. And if he really has seen a wolf- it's hard to know where the wolf came from or what the wolf is doing. After all, the boy has a record of being mistaken or mendacious and as far as the facts go, Iran is largely Shi'ah but in Iraq, Americans are being killed by Sunnis. I know, I know, it's hard to tell who's who- they're all brown.

Think of the Shi'ah as the brown people that clean your house or cook your food and the Sunnis as the brown people you encounter in public. You probably don't like any of them, but at least you know how to handle the brown people that do your dirty work. Those brown people on the street might know their place or they might not. They might rob you, they might not. You don't know. You can't trust them. You'd better call the cops to get rid of them.

So the brown people who do our cooking in Iraq are some of the ones we found to have these components. Eh, maybe you're just as scared about that. That's probably part of the plan. Our war experts and apologists told us that there is no difference or conflict between Sunnis and Shia- they're all brown. The Arab world is largely controlled by Sunni Muslims, and most Muslims are Sunni, it's probably a factor to consider but I don't think we're supposed to care about or consider that. Just be afraid.

Anyway, what's all this for? Well it's probably an excuse for an attack on Iran. I mean if it's Iranian bombs that are killing American soldiers, doesn't it make sense to punish Iran? Sure. But what do we do about the American weapons that are being used to kill Americans?

Someone could say that we already are punished by war profiteers and the rule of corporate plutocrats. Maybe we have exactly what we deserve by letting it stand for so long. I doubt you are one of the top .5%, so you probably are being punished. But you probably don't feel it as much as these guys. We probably deserve a little bit more than horrible debt, a wholly undemocratic economic system, declining wages, a regressive tax structure, and the illusion of representative government. I wonder what it will be.

(Ooh look how that sentence is tense- do I mean we deserve more because human dignity requires more than what we have- or do I mean we deserve more because we most certainly should be punished? Now why would I go and lift the veil like that? Why coudn't I just let it be? Like I worry about self-seriousness so much- like it's a shame to care about anything.)

Hey, Rocky, Watch Me Pull a Massacre Out of My Hat
Rock Is Dead- Marilyn Manson
Clumsy Grandma...- Ya Lo Tengo
Breed- Nirvana
Here Today- The Beach Boys
Hand In Glove- The Smiths
You Are The Sunshine of My Life- Stevie Wonder
Potshot Heard Round the World- Dead Kennedys
Join Together- The Who

Crap, I Think I'm Overtly Sexual

“She got what she wanted,” said Stokke. “She’s an overtly sexual person.”

A jury of one woman and 11 men—many white and in their 50s or 60s—agreed with Stokke. On Feb. 2, after a half-day of deliberations, they found Park not guilty of three felony charges that he’d used his badge to win sexual favors during the December 2004 traffic stop
OC Weekly

It turns out, if you're overtly sexual, it's okay for a cop to ejaculate on you when he pulls you over. I'm not exactly sure what "overtly sexual" means. I guess you're overtly sexual if someone can tell your sex by looking at you. Too bad if that describes you.

It Could Always Be Worse

You know, if they're going to win (causing us to constantly live in terror seems to be a goal of terrorism) we could do worse than this.

I mean, sure we're paranoid, over-reacting, willing to surrender liberties, hyper-militaristic, increasingly xenophobic and racist, but when this hell of our own making is a foundry for this, it's not so bad.