Merry Christmas, Fag

Back in the day- "the day" being the era it was necessary to watch The Holy Grail in large groups after finding the one or two acquaintances who hadn't seen it and telling them "they had to," and ruining it for them by speaking, in awful English accents, along with the film and then being one of fifteen people telling them the next upcoming scene was hilarious - I watched The Holy Grail with some friends who were fine with everything in the film except the suggestion of sex at the Castle Anthrax. They were fine with all the comic violence to people and animals, the fingers in the eyes of religion and political authorities, all the death and disease, and everything else that was funny because it was unexpected and "wrong." That was all good, though I don't think we knew to say that back then. Point is, all that was okay, but comically referring to sex was right out, as one might say.

One dude- it was college, I probably called him dude- was particularly adamant that we fast forward (hey kids, back then we couldn't skip chapters) through the scene. This scene:

So we did. I didn't win by calling anyone babies or calling BS on their "sex bad: violence funny" nonsense. (After that and other complaints from Sex Baby, I knew I could make him uncomfortable by forcing him to hug when we greeted. I could also make him cry by sticking my tongue in his ear as we hugged when we greeted. So who wins that?)

Okay. I get that we're different, so we're sensitive to different things.
The thing is, the things about which we choose to be babies say a bit about the thing we think we are, or put another way, the things we pick are the things we pick.

So the MPAA says movie posters depicting fantasy torture are appropriate for all ages, but movie posters alluding to actual torture are not. Okay, that's who they are. They're corporate statist shills- at least that's one way of reading the claim they've staked.

So the preamble to the Iraqi Constitution is full of rhetorical language portraying the majority Shia population as a holy victimized minority now taking their divinely appointed place as protectors and saints. Sure they had a rough go of things for a while... a long while, point being, they pick and claim things now because of how "they" see themselves now and where they want to be in the future. Shiism is preserved and protected in their constitution as if there were presently an alternative. That's who they want to be so it makes sense to say those things.

Some "we" seems to see Christmas like that. It seems like we imagine it is threatened from some external source so we have to pretend we're defending something. Bill O'Lielly says some someones called secular humanists are waging a war on Christmas but I hopefully pretend that doesn't inform most of "us." I get emails telling me whom to boycott because they don't say "Merry Christmas" when you buy stuff. That's probably closer to home. We put up lights so we can see where the Jews and atheists live so they are more easily grabbed when the time comes. That's probably just me.

As for us...

Right now, our church sign reads Eat Christmas, Jerks!. Actually it reads, "Merry Christmas! Don't be Ashamed to Say It.

It probably is just me, but I find it hard to imagine that the "W '04," ""Pray for the Troops," and "CCV" bestickered SUVs rolling up and down Lone Hill are full of Secular Humanists on their way to Skeptics Society meetings.

No.

They're actually on the way to gay weddings- on their way from abortions.

No again, but I think you get my point.

It seems unlikely that the challenge we need or the bit of prophecy that may be good news to our lives is: Celebrate Christmas.

If the good news that is ostensibly embedded in Christmas is threatened, it is not by outsiders but us- those of us who practice it coercively or pretend we are actually defending anything or sticking it to the world by saying "Merry Christmas" like dogs protecting our fenced in yards from the mailman.

I hope that we feel something about Christmas is threatened because of what we do. I hope we can see that we're generally not ashamed to say, "Merry Christmas" and there is nothing world-sticking in saying it. I hope we can find anything in it that challenges the world (and our Christian practices are absolutely a part of the world). I hope there is some us that is different and sensitive to those things that might be more indicative of a God that loves humanity and has come to teach us, dwell among us, and change history because of that.

Or at least, if that's not possible, can we be a people that never has to hear "Christmas Shoes" again?

Evil Aikido

What do you get when you cross the sappy clichés of maudlin Christmas commercials with the sensuality of Sexy Christmas?

I'm warning you now, if you haven't seen this ad yet, you may want to think twice about watching it. Once you see it, the images will leave a scar tissue in your mind distorting every future thought, hope, or dream.

A creature head in a box? Baby seduction? Half-naked Christmas card writing? What happened to the baby- is he in the drink? Was he that cookie? What kind of Christmas is this?

I can't hope it's a campy, ironic commercial, in the same vein as Old Navy commercials from year's past. It's a taunt. I fear I have dared the world too far- or underestimated its guile- and this is its response.

Fur fringed bras and shiny rhinestone panties on super models writhing to Christmas music. Is that the best you can do evil world? Try boobies with Christmas Star pasties. I dare you. How about Mary stripping off her tunic and veil to sell lingerie. I'd like to see you try that- but you won't 'cos you're evil and you're too afraid.

At some level, I hope, we know to be concerned with Sexy Christmas. At least we might offer some token scorrn to Victoria's Secretesque Christmas hoopla, and maybe if it went further, we would have some sense of "Now that's too far."

But instead of hitting us on the head, it's drawn us in for a hug.

Sexy Christmas and heart-warrming Christmas have been combined into some scary mix of syrup and body fluids set to jangly guitars and bells. Wistful, heartwarming and sexy- this Old Navy commercial disturbingly brings them all together to horrifying effect.

It hits the good buttons: diversity, youth, togetherness, giving, beauty, family, holiday warmth, childhood, and the suggestion of sex (group sex?) set to folky pop- all the while suggesting pagan baby-drinking/baking horrors. All these images turn on themselves to turn on us. It's everything we celebrate and think we want given to us as destruction.

If I were smarter, or ambitious enough to be smarter, I would know how to take this video and put it to more appropriate music- and then upload it to the YouTubes, of course. As it is, I'm not. I can tell you though, turning off the sound and syncing this with This Is The New Shit by Marilyn Manson, reveals this commercial for what it is. If you have the means, try it yourself.

There it is. In our faces. Taunting us.

One more thing, this is the only thing it could be; if you don't see it this way, it's because you are blinded by the power of the anti-Christ.

New Contest

I know my contests go no where, but you should try to this one. It's a wonderful creative exercise, and I have a great prize to award (suitable for giving as a Christmas gift).

Come up with a word that can accurately communicate just the right sense I was looking for in that last post and leave it in the comments.

The winner, as judged by me, will recieve... no I'm not saying this time. You must play for love of the game and the hope of being the most clever word-smith.

It's pretty great though.

For Three Songs and For Four, I Will Not Revoke The Punishment

There is a power and magic to Christmas. It is an upending and devastating power that can make the repulsive beautiful and bring the outcast and overlooked to the fore. It is the magic in the transcendent God becoming human- bringing a beauty to that strange creature that comes forth somewhere between urine and feces to be creation's glory.

But c'mon why can't we keep Clay Aiken, Toby Keith, Jessica Simpson, The Chipmunks, and every other [there isn't an expletive I know that can properly modify this word] artist on the trash heap of musical history and off the air at Christmastime?

When I have to hear schmaltz in public, it's generally just an irritating drone. It doesn't distract me from the task at hand- finding a hammer, pumping gas, buying eggs, dismembering a drifter. When I hear Clay Aiken singing "Mary Did You Know," my vision clouds. I'm overcome. I stumble about, knocking over pyramids of Chinese made Executive Desk Sets, and Snow Man-Shaped Decanters. I trip over a cube of Shower Clock Radios and as I lie on the ground with security on the way, all I can do is choke and make deep gurgling grunts.

I can feel these songs on my skin like a filmy greasy web. They have an oppressive mass and body to them. They're a heavy sweet-putrid choking stink that searches out the back of my throat and presses down my tongue to force its viscous sticky oil down my gullet.

Please, please, please!?

And that's Christmas magic.

Freedom Isn't Free

Well it's about time I got to this.

Last year I hopped on the bandwagon by gathering domestic intelligence and tracking Sexy Christmas. Clearly my gift is in counter-intelligence.

If you remember, we were barely able to celebrate Christmas last year, and, if we're not careful, the battle for this year's Holy Days can easily be lost. Our enemy is not bound by the same sense of decency we are. They have no respect for the values that hold the world together. Their goal is to undermine the very foundations of our civilization; they will not stop until there is no Christmas. So if I had to become more like our enemies to save us from our enemies, you'll understand. I've had to be extra crafty, to match the enemy's craftiness. But I think you'll agree that my findings prove it was worth it.

I've uncovered an old but effective method of the enemy so heinous that if you're squeamish, I suggest you stop reading- or take this link to something more pleasant.

It is a plot that involves children and reveals how pervasive and truly disgusting the War on Christmas is. This is your last warning before we go into the details.

That said...

SouthFlorida.com has documentary evidence of an ongoing and historic program to turn children against Jesus. Here's one example.
You might think that the effects of the War on Christmas are seen in the grimaces and tears. You might think that this fear of Santa Claus has to be overcome. You might think it is the crying children that are lost to the enemy.

YOU ARE WRONG.

These children are clinging to the last threads of decency and wholesomeness that are soon lost to the influence of family and a culture offering gifts, candy, love, and cajoling.

If you click through the evidence you can see that many children have an innate fear of Santa. In their innocence, they immediately recognize the vicar of evil that has come to steal glory from the Baby Jesus. It's up to older siblings and parents to turn them; through bribery and years of conditioning they are broken. They become part of a grand army of brainwashed soldiers turning the next generation away from the manger and to the malls, where the fat, red-suited idol of materialism and consumption sits on his throne demanding their fealty. Parents unwittingly participate in the creation of a latter day Wiehnachtenkriegjungvolk. Where these children were once sensitive to the Spirit's warnings- now they eagerly worship mammon and spawn the next generation of the Devil's evangelists.

Don't feel bad if you didn't see this. Remember, I have a gift. In fact here's me telling the devil like it is:"Whatever, Santa; you're a sucka' and your evil ways have no effect on me." No tears, no worship- A "What can you do to me? Nothing" attitude.

So a hearty, "Merry Christmas and Screw Whatever You Might Value, Here's Some Jesus in Your Face," to you.

ed- Oh right, scared children initialy via BOING

Der Krieg auf Wiehnachten
Listening to The Wall