You Do Not Understand the Power of the Dark Side

I know I said I didn't get any gay on me when I saw Brokeback Mountain but I watched the Academy Awards last night- almost from beginning to end. I didn't watch the whole show, it was interrupted by a trip to Target for cat food (how's that for mind-numbingly lame blogging minutia?), but I don't think any of this supports my claim that I am gay free.

I figure this won't help either: I love George Clooney and Jon Stewart. George Clooney pulled a classy Michael Moore- in that he made a very pointed political point without being a jerk about it. I would probably see that differently if I weren't part of the Gay Agenda or didn't believe all the Liberal Media lies. But what can I say? I was moved. And speaking of Liberal Media lies, Jon Stewart was the perfect host- connected enough for the age but far enough removed to mock the whole thing as an outsider. Brilliant... I guess I should say, "Fabulous."

So there it is then. Despite my being attracted to women, as turned off as I am by the idea of homo-genital contact (as the Church calls it), forget that I've never been in a fraternity (Oh didn't you know? Oh man, frat boys are gay as a whistle), I guess I'm gay. Drag.

That's what happens though. I guess those are the rules. I should've trusted those who knew better than me- like Michelle Williams' old school. Her conservative Christian alma mater condemned her for being in Brokeback Mountain because it promoted a lifestyle they don't promote. They don't mean it promotes sheep ranching or being killed by homophobic teens. (Oh right, SPOILER WARNING for that last sentence). It promotes the gay.

See, I thought to promote something you needed to make it look appealing and somehow advance it- like the word says. I thought you needed to cause some kind of forward movement for a cause or idea. I thought because I didn't find the gays of Will and Grace clever or funny I was fine. I thought because I liked having sex with my wife- a girl- I wasn't in danger of catching gay. But Brokeback Mountain really was a promotional tool; even though it made homosexuality seem about as appealing as being Al Rocher... at a Klan rally. (I don't know if that joke worked- I was trying to give the impression that I was saying being Al Rocher was unappealing enough in itself. Was that clear? Maybe that joke needs to be spoken to make sure the timing is right.) It talked about the gay, so it promoted the gay.

Anyway, now I know, that merely being about gay was moving the gays forward and seeing pretend gay was a subtle but seductive recruiting tool. Had I known then that someday I would be doing something as gay as watching the Oscars, curled on the couch, wrapped in a blanket, eating a cinnamon roll with my wife, I would've gone to see Yours, Mine and Ours instead.

How subtly my being was subverted.

I should've remembered my time teaching in a conservative Christian school. I briefly taught "Health" (?!?). When we covered the sex portion I wasn't supposed to talk about contraception because it would encourage the kids to have sex. Our school's pregnancy rate was just a bit higher than the national average. And that was without the encouragement to do it. Imagine how much higher that rate might have been if we had given them tacit approval to have sex by explaining to them how to avoid pregnancy if they were going to have sex. It boggles the mind.

I wonder what that would make the school's teen pregnancy rate compared to France's. The overall US teen pregnancy rate is more than four times France's and the school's was about 1% higher than the national average so... uh... ours was... also more than four times France's. I wish someone had promoted math to me. Ahh, but our school's abortion rate was zero. That's better than the overall US rate, which is three times as high as the rate in France. So our school had a lower teen abortion rate than the USA and France... as far as we knew. I guess we have no real way of knowing that because parents getting their kids abortions or the kids themselves probably would've probably kept it a secret. So...uh... how about Crash winning best picture? That was something.

Man, I just realized I've been promoting teen sex and the gay all this time. Ugh- stop. Okay no more gay. I mean no more "that of which we do not speak." And, teenagers, don't have sex. You'll die.

I'm going to go shoot a deer now.