Do Me On That Rainbow

WARNING: Things get sexy to make what I think is an important point. Really, I'm warning you, I may be more graphic than you are comfortable with. Don't keep reading if you're a baby or squeamish. Also, it's a really long post, so you know- you're warned about that too.

I sat on a pee covered toilet seat yesterday. See. And that's just a sample- you've been warned.

So we saw Brokeback Mountain this weekend. I know the conventional wisdom is, as a Christian, I'm not supposed to like it or have seen it because it "promotes gay." Well I saw it, but before you have me killed- I didn't like it. Not because I might have gotten gay on me, but because I'm not a big fan of the contemporary idea of romance. I didn't like Titanic, I didn't like The Horse Whisperer, I didn't like The Bridges of Madison County, I didn't like Grease- I pretty much don't like any of those movies that portray love as some wild force that possesses you to surrender everything that matters to you, to abandon your children, to kill someone, to pay the popular girl to be your pretend girlfriend, to not go to college, to leave your spouse, whatever. So I add Brokeback Mountain to the list of those movies that depict romance as some irresistible spirit that makes you flee one unhappy existence to another that is just as unhappy but unhappy in a new and exciting way. Whatever.

Maybe I'm just a big baby about this because my dad cheated on my mom and it was something that "just happened." It was new and exciting I'm sure but it's crap. But it's a crap we hope for. It's a crap we want to smear all over our selves. It's a crap that is gross and stinks but we're convinced is the greatest thing we can know as humans. I don't just mean we confuse the fun of sex for love. I guess that's part of it, but I also think we really imagine ourselves to be in control of things so that when something kind of inexplicable comes along and sex is part of the deal, we go nuts for it.

We see ourselves as truly having mastered everything there is that could be mastered and so if something comes along that seems beyond control and there's the possibility of sex with it, well then, it's more real than anything else and we should ride that pony. Isn't that kind of the romance formula? Someone seems to have it all but there is a dissatisfied undercurrent. Along comes some other person that represents an animalistic but innocent, unbridled, free, force of nature. They're earthy and real. It's not just a "grass is greener" set up, although the grass being greener is a convenient image- the romantic device works if this new person somehow connects the protagonist to some deep-rooted primal or "natural" reality. The protagonist spends a little time too close to them and that's all it takes. You can't be around that kind of natural power without giving in to it and before you know it they're doing it in soft-focus or in a learning how to dance, or a riding horses through the countryside, or a trying on different hats montage with some cheesy crescendo-heavy song setting the mood. Anything to show us that they've recovered something they lost. Where was I even headed? Oh right, we think we're in control and have it all but that's disconnected us form our natural selves so we want romance to come along and break down our walls to make us real. Right, so what fits that formula better than cowboys falling in love? How much more romantic can you get? It's what Jane Austen would compose if she wasn't busy decomposing. The walls of economic class and social standing have been knocked down, the walls of national origin are gone, ethnicity isn't a barrier anymore so what can we use to represent the primal outsider, other than a giant ape that is? I'm not saying we should put those barriers back up, I'm saying a.) romance isn't love and b.) it's stupid to think we have it all under control.

Brokeback Mountain is just an expression of our conception of romantic love that is incapable of actual existence. I do think love is transcendent and exciting, but in a real way. Romantic love is a reified ideal that cannot exist with an actual other person. Why do you think someone has to die or move away in romantic movies? Why don't we see the week after they get together and the credits role? Why is romantic sex idealized and really more about imagined sex than actual sex? Really, the more graphic a depiction of sex is, the less romantic it is right? The small of the back, bare, softly lit by candle light with a hand caressing it is romantic. Actually seeing a penis in a vagina is pornographic or clinical.

I like sex a lot, but not because I buy into some romanticized, soft-focused, candle lit, tight shots on various body parts, overlapping transitions, dreamy soundtrack, kind of sex. Sex is gross. It's messy and slurpy. It's sometimes clumsy. Body parts touch and go together in ways that are pretty weird and somebody's got to clean up afterwards. Even kissing is weird. But, boy, do I like it; still though, it's just sex. Why did I start in with sex? Oh right, I was contrasting idealized romantic sex with real sex.

So, I can't completely explain what keeps two people together but I know it's not sex- and it's definitely not romance. Just like it's not doing the dishes, or randomly giving gifts, or leaving notes that say I love you, or replacing toilet paper. Sex is great; it's fun and feels good but that's not all there is to it. There is the sticking together through it and after it. (I absolutely meant that- I am hilarious). It binds me to my wife beyond the good and happy feelings. It binds me to her through the awkwardness and vulnerability. She stays with me, in part because she sees me naked but also despite it. That's not romance.

So there's the "a" - romance isn't love. As for the "b" - we don't have things under control. I know, I know, I can flip a switch and on come the lights. Poo goes far far away from me. Whitey's on the moon. We can blow people up and give 90 year old men erections. But really, we don't have the control we think we do, and that thinking we have control is a bit of a problem, in addition to an illusion.

Maybe because we spend so much time pretending we have it all figured out, when something "wild" but stupid comes along we go for it. It's like saying the Holy Spirit is just for making you lift your hands, roll in the aisles, talk crazy talk, and pass out; not the Matthew 5 stuff which is just as inexplicable. We need quick answers and down to earth explanations of spirituality in X number of steps on one hand and emotionally high, spirit-charged worship experiences on the other. We lose sight of the reality that every mundane moment is uncharted territory wherein the Spirit does anything it wants, you have no good explanation why anything should be as it is, and everything might collapse in a moment. That's hard to negotiate day to day isn't it? Isn't it just easier to pretend there's a simple formula for life and then when I need a romantic fling just raise my hands and jump around on a Sunday? I mean if I'm a Christian- if I'm not, or if the jumping around gets old, I'll have sex with a stranger.

Maybe this is a good example of that.

Man, this is a crazy rant. See what happens when I get wrapped up in other stuff for a week? Really, this is just more of my modernity bashing claptrap. But I'm okay with that, modernity needs to be bashed.