Below The Bible Belt

The only things as scenically regular through the South as kudzu, Cracker Barrels, and vasectomy reversal ads are porn superstores. These aren't hidden on back roads or disguised with innocuous names like Upland's The Toy Box. Right smack on I-40, with "ADULT SUPERSTORE" signs doing their best to [insert penetrative violation alluding verb here] the sky, porn store after porn store makes sure the denizens of Real 'merika have all the porn they need.

Someone's keeping those places in business.

I used to wonder if those people knew about the internet. Turns out they do.

The god-haterz at Harvard (abetted by the god-haterz at New Scientist magazine) discovered a correlation between lots of church-going, fag-hating, AIDS-thanking, and on-line porn-buying.

We all know correlation is nothing more than correlation and who knows what they're using the "adult" material for. Perhaps it's for enhancing perfectly licit marital relations. Is that possible, or do TRADITIONAL VALUES preclude that? Somebody help me out here, I am apparently far removed from the world of TRADITIONAL VALUES.

According to the article, they do give it a rest on Sunday. That's quaint. Almost Kinkadesque.

Let The Market Monitor Volcanoes...

The kids say, "Fail".

Now...?

I just can't stay away.

I tried. Oh how I tried, but nothing could fill the void. Religion, family, booze? Nothing could fill the blog-shaped hole in my heart...

So here my netlog waited. Reliable. Unwavering. Good and faithful little diary. Of course I couldn't leave you forever.

And you, dear, little lambs. Was I gone too long? Had I left you wondering if there was something you had done to keep me away? You might've, but I'm so gracious I won't bring it up now. Let's just savor the sweetness of this reunion and get to what matters, no?

And what matters? You do.

I have something for you. Well, maybe not all of you- those of you for whom my harping about nonsense like torture and war seemed like... harping- I want to share something that will wipe the scales from your eyes.

For some of you it may now seem natural to oppose the occupation of Iraq and escalation in Afghanistan. CIA kidnappings are newly awful to you. Torture is suddenly torture. It is no longer un-American to challenge and question US policy.

Good?

Maybe your conversion is a bit like showing up at AA meetings to get dates*, but who knows where the wind may blow?

For others though, some vestigial principle stands in the way. After securing your salvation with secret prisons all over the globe, torture, and the sacrificial murders of Afghan taxi drivers you're too committed to your dhimmitude. Perhaps, you've surrendered so much of your soul to make sense of euphemisms like "enhanced interrogation", "extraordinary rendition", and "detainee", you're unsure how to proceed in a world where those are nonsense.

I am here for you. Actually, this is here for you:

"The Bush White House vehemently objected to provisions of the law dealing with rape by instrumentality. When House negotiators pressed to know why, they were met first with silence and then an embarrassed acknowledgement that a key part of the Bush program included invasion of the bodies of prisoners in a way that might be deemed rape by instrumentality under existing federal and state criminal statutes."

In case you missed it "the Bush program included invasion of the bodies of prisoners in a way that might be deemed rape by instrumentality". That means sticking things in people's butts.

No I know you're one not likely to make sharp distinctions about homosexual practices. In fact, you're probably someone for whom the phrase "homosexual practices" means something and as such distinctions aren't a part of the calculus. The upshot is this probably counts as gay.

There you go. You can augment your commitment to torture with the fear of the love that dare not speak its name. Never mind that it's not love- it's probably gay enough for you.

Now, with news that the Obama administration is maintaining Bush administration practices and that Binyam Mohammed was tortured in Guantanamo as recently as a month ago you can shake the dust from your outrage (out of practice outrage is still outrage, little lamb) and put it to use.

Apply sexual assault and violence and I'm sure whatever truth or sense of decency has been hindering you will magically melt away.

You're welcome.

* See? I could have written "laid". I am so kind to your delicate sensibilities.