I See Your Chair Has Four Legs, That Reminds Me of The Four Spiritual Laws...

I have a problem doing the Jesus hard-sell. I understand that for some this is the heart of what it means to be a Christian and because I'm not compelled to ask strangers what they think will happen to them when they die, I can't be a real Christian. This is a good as place as any to stop reading if that's the case.

I've tried it a couple of times, the "Can I interest you in some Jesus..." Rather, I've been a type of support person when others have done it. Like I said, I understand why someone would say this is the central piece of their faith- but it isn't for me. I guess that's that post-modern monster Relativor rearing its ugly head and that may be all you need to know what's wrong with me. (Actually, doesn't Relativor sound like a medication?) I get why some would feel that this is what they have to do- and they wouldn't characterize it as selling Jesus- but even as I understand it- "The Ask" never seems real to me and it's something I can't do.

I enjoy conversations of varying depth about things of faith and religion with people I know, but rarely... never... I can't recall. I'll say never -never have I pitched a lead, "led" them in "The Sinners Prayer," then rung a bell for my commission.

In any of those conversations, I've never finished with a, "So what's it gonna take to get you into a church today?" And I don't see myself doing it in the future.

I don't go for the soft sell either though.

The Onion AV Club blog has a brief entry today about Zune viral marketing parties. Someone... someones are paid by Microsoft to throw parties where a Zune is artfully but prominently featured as a necessity to the hipster's existence. Well, okay, not always artfully- but definitely prominently mentioned. It's supposed to make you want one.

So some schlup in a blue polo shirt at Best Buy tells you how much you might enjoy a Zune. You don't believe him- he's some schlup in a blue polo shirt at Best Buy. That won't do at all.

So you see a Zune ad where young good-looking people clearly enjoy life because of their Zunes. You feel good seeing that but you're smart so you say to yourself, "Oh that's just a commercial, it's totally constructed to get you to associate a Zune with good times and good looking people. A Zune might be cool- but the commercial is fake."

Then in real life, you're walking through a hall in your building and some guy you've seen a couple times invites you and your friends to a party where they'll be casually hanging out and listening to tunes on the Zune. It's weird that he mentions the Zune- but whatever, you're social, you go. And this regular person is living it. This regular person is popular, they give you booze- or whatever it is you like, they have lots of friends, good times surround them- and they want you to have a part in that good life. It's authentic. This Zune life is real. They say you can have a Zune and enjoy life as much as they do. Well maybe not you specifically- or you at all- your friend you brought with you will do just as well. And if not them, then the next person to walk through that door. Or some other person, some other day.

You don't matter as much as spreading Zune does. Well, who you are doesn't matter- so you can't afford it, or you don't really listen to music, or you find Microsoft's business practices troubling, or you think a world with everyone running around isolated by headphones is disturbing- whatever, this is Zune, and it's Zune that matters, not your petty concerns and causes or your distorted ideas about Microsoft's success and dominance.

Besides, in a way, by wanting you to have Zune, or at least presenting you the opportunity to receive Zune, you kind of matter- well, not you per se- but the you that you could be if you accepted Zune- the you that Zune exists for. Your neighbor ultimately cares about Zune. But Zune is so great; this thing you can carry around with you and show off, this thing that indicates a good life and good feelings, this thing that shows you've come around to a certain way of being- the Zune way of being- it's kind of like caring about you by sharing Zune with you. It's like an abstract, non-existent, incidental you kind of matters. It's like caring about the idea of you.

Should I belabor the connection I see with certain types of evangelism?

Third Prize Is You're Fired
Girl You Have No Faith In Medicine- The White Stripes
One Way Ticket to Pluto- Dead Kennedys
I Know There's an Answer- The Beach Boys
Liar- Sex Pistols
Rouge- Miles Davis
Unheard Music- X
Many Rivers to Cross- Jimmy Cliff
Broken Face- The Pixies
Fiddle About- The Who
I Don't Really Love You Anymore- The Magnetic Fields
Underture- The Who
Changes- Jimi Hendrix
Hell Is Chrome- Wilco
American Idiot- Green Day
High- Tripping Daisy
Rikki Don't Lose That Number- Steely Dan
Miracle Drug- U2
Wind Chimes- Brian Wilson
Spunky- The Eels
I'm The One- Descendents
I'm Having a Heart Attack- They Might Be Giants