Freedom Isn't Free

Well it's about time I got to this.

Last year I hopped on the bandwagon by gathering domestic intelligence and tracking Sexy Christmas. Clearly my gift is in counter-intelligence.

If you remember, we were barely able to celebrate Christmas last year, and, if we're not careful, the battle for this year's Holy Days can easily be lost. Our enemy is not bound by the same sense of decency we are. They have no respect for the values that hold the world together. Their goal is to undermine the very foundations of our civilization; they will not stop until there is no Christmas. So if I had to become more like our enemies to save us from our enemies, you'll understand. I've had to be extra crafty, to match the enemy's craftiness. But I think you'll agree that my findings prove it was worth it.

I've uncovered an old but effective method of the enemy so heinous that if you're squeamish, I suggest you stop reading- or take this link to something more pleasant.

It is a plot that involves children and reveals how pervasive and truly disgusting the War on Christmas is. This is your last warning before we go into the details.

That said...

SouthFlorida.com has documentary evidence of an ongoing and historic program to turn children against Jesus. Here's one example.
You might think that the effects of the War on Christmas are seen in the grimaces and tears. You might think that this fear of Santa Claus has to be overcome. You might think it is the crying children that are lost to the enemy.

YOU ARE WRONG.

These children are clinging to the last threads of decency and wholesomeness that are soon lost to the influence of family and a culture offering gifts, candy, love, and cajoling.

If you click through the evidence you can see that many children have an innate fear of Santa. In their innocence, they immediately recognize the vicar of evil that has come to steal glory from the Baby Jesus. It's up to older siblings and parents to turn them; through bribery and years of conditioning they are broken. They become part of a grand army of brainwashed soldiers turning the next generation away from the manger and to the malls, where the fat, red-suited idol of materialism and consumption sits on his throne demanding their fealty. Parents unwittingly participate in the creation of a latter day Wiehnachtenkriegjungvolk. Where these children were once sensitive to the Spirit's warnings- now they eagerly worship mammon and spawn the next generation of the Devil's evangelists.

Don't feel bad if you didn't see this. Remember, I have a gift. In fact here's me telling the devil like it is:"Whatever, Santa; you're a sucka' and your evil ways have no effect on me." No tears, no worship- A "What can you do to me? Nothing" attitude.

So a hearty, "Merry Christmas and Screw Whatever You Might Value, Here's Some Jesus in Your Face," to you.

ed- Oh right, scared children initialy via BOING

Der Krieg auf Wiehnachten
Listening to The Wall

And This

Well it seems Too Hot to Hoot is not satisfied with his nom de nets. Try this-

Liver even?
Oh, Bob… Ok?
Stews, “Ah!”
As we tsk, “O’ Bob.”
-Ho never evil!

Oh and I think King Kong belongs on my Man Canon. The new one- not that lame old one. Have you ever seen that one? It's so bad- I mean Jeff Bridges as a hero- yeah right.

Speaking of Jeff Bridges...

I think the Big Lebowski goes on my Man Canon too.

What's This For?

How can I stay away from you?

Well, There're some Festering topics that have been hovering on my desktop for a while now. In fact many of them are hovering over this picture. I need to get them off my raw turkey before I can finish writing papers and grading.

Speaking of papers...

Welcome to 1970
A recent Kentucky editorial seems to be confusing our contemporary historical situation with a previous. Given the milieu of an over-reaching impeachable executive, an interminable no-win military quagmire, looming fuel shortages, Middle-East violence, and an odd turn for otherwise great musicians, it's hard to fault them for coming to the conclusion they do. But hippies? Really? I don't see many around anymore, but then I live in Southern California- not really the hotbed of liberalism that Lexington, Kentucky is.

Speaking of hippies...

Simplify, Man
The Supreme Court is listening to a case regarding the EPA's role in actually protecting the environment. You would think the the Environmental Protection Agency might have a role in that- you'd be wrong. The case started sometime ago when EPA was petitioned to set greenhouse gas emission standards.

In 2003, the agency denied the petition, saying that it lacked statutory authority to regulate greenhouse gas emissions, even though the agency in previous administrations had held that it did. Further, the agency said, even if it did have authority, it was not required to use it.

From here on, it'll just be known as the Agency.

So how does it look for this particular case, especially given the controversy in the non-scientific community over whether we contribute to climate change? Well how's this:
"I mean," asked Justice Antonin Scalia, "when is the predicted cataclysm?"
At one point, he acknowledged the role of carbon dioxide as a pollutant in the air but wondered about it being a pollutant in the "stratosphere."
"Respectfully, Your Honor, it is not the stratosphere. It's the troposphere," Milkey said.
"Troposphere, whatever. I told you before I'm not a scientist," Scalia said to laughter.

I'm sure things will be just fine.

Speaking of hell...

That Whole "Christian" Thing- It's Just a Name, Dude

The president-elect of the Christian Coalition announced Tuesday that he was stepping down, saying that the religious group appeared to balk at his proposals to focus on environmental and anti-poverty issues rather than on purely "moralistic" issues such as abortion.

This is no lefty president-elect; he's a Southern giga-church pastor who just happened to think the Bible is concerned with more than stone monuments to the ten commandments and gays burning flags at their weddings. I guess he thinks being a Christian is not the same thing as being a right wing kook. Seriously. Weird eh?. That whole full Gospel approach to faith won't really play to their base.

This might be one of those times when someone would say, "At least they're being honest." I guess. But it seems like that kind of honesty one finds when a spouse is caught cheating or a tumor metastasizes when you hoped it would just go away.

Speaking of not going away...

Word To your Father
Turns out MY PRESIDENT isn't so popular in the rest of the world and some people in the rest of the world wanted his father to get that message to him.

"We do not respect your son. We do not respect what he's doing all over the world," a woman audience member bluntly told Bush after his keynote speech.
Bush appeared stunned as the audience of young business leaders whooped and whistled in approval.
The retired president had just finished a folksy address on leadership by telling the audience how deeply hurt he feels when his son the president is criticized.

Or maybe they just wanted him to feel deeply hurt. I mean, why else criticize his boy?

Is this this?

Then how about something that's decidedly not Wrong, Terrible, or... Freaky... Funny... Foul? Yes, Foul. It's more of a thank God there's at least one American Christian thinking of this.

Jimmy Carter's new book identifies conditions in Israel as they are- apartheid. I know that sounds horrible. There's two reasons for that: 1.) we hear nothing of the conditions the majority of Palestinians suffer and 2.) it's a horrible thing.

Do you think that's an overstatement? Do you think that somehow I'm being hard on Israel? It's weird how most American Evangelicals were on the wrong side of the fence with South Africa too. And that was without the looney tunes Left Behind theology.

If you'd like to learn more about the apartheid conditions in Israel, visit your local library, or if you're worried about being put on a government watch list, you can go here. But that'll probably get you on a list too. You could also just buy the Christian Former President's book. I'm going to. I suppose that's list fodder as well.

Speaking of lists...

It's on my Amazon Wish List.

Thanks to Grandpa for turning me on to the celebration of greed and materialism that is the Amazon Wish List.

Now Rocking
Buzzcocks- Encore Du Pain: Live in Paris

I Am What I Am- and You Am What I Say You Are

Last week sometime, Too Hot To Hoot* asked me about my cinematic man canon. I had to admit I don't have one, so I figure I should get right on making one. I guess it's not very manly to admit not having a man canon- and I guess my conception of manliness, and the men I know, make having a man canon difficult for me. But maybe it's something we can work on. Anyone want to work on my man canon with me?

That joke's probably not as funny as I think it is... oh well.

Funny or not, I do not have a list of movies that I say are part of being a man or relating to other men. There are movies that I think are "must sees" but I don't know how they relate to what I think it is to be manly. Even my estimation of what it is to be manly may need some work. It may be putting the cart before the horse, since I don't really have a sense of what is essentially manly- but I will create my canon. And since I am a man, it will be my Man Canon.

I think it'll be a work in progress. I may come back to it to add more selections... Boy I don't even get the idea of canon right, do I?

I don't know if the choices I make will have anything to do with my penis. Similarly, I don't think your disagreeing with my choices means you have a girl penis. Maybe. In any case here are movies I think you should see before you are dead, not necessarily because they are great, but because maybe you'll get more of my jokes if you do. You tell me if they are related to my penis and testosterone producing balls.

This should be some good filler since I probably won't be posting anything else until the end of the semester.

Here they are in no particular order:
Raising Arizona
I [Heart] Huckabees
Young Frankenstein
Magnolia
The Thief of Bagdad
SpongeBob SquarePants The Movie
Caddyshack
Life Is Beautiful
Pulp Fiction
A Night at The Opera
Fargo
Master of the Flying Guillotine
Zoolander
The Godfather I & II
Jaws
Monty Python and the Holy Grail
Raiders of the Lost Ark
Aladdin
Bottle Rocket
The Crimson Pirate
The Hudsucker Proxy
Ghost Busters
All Quiet on The Western Front
Moulin Rouge
A Very Long Engagement

Now that I've written this, it seems very manly. Maybe that stems from having some sort of objective list against which you are measured. Yes- I can judge you by some objective standard and see if you are good enough for me. How does that feel? I control you. From what I understand, if you don't like any of these movies, your penis will fall off- even if it's a girl penis.

I'm definitely going to make the list longer so the standard becomes more rigorous and gives me more control. Just you wait- I'll use my Man Canon as a bludgeon to beat you into conformity.

*Remember, I'm not allowed to use anyone's name anymore.

Oh Right, This Is Why I Logged In

Once again the QweenBean and I are opening our home for a holiday celebration. If you can read this you are invited to
our Thanksgiving Feast and After Party. The feast is at 5PM and the after party is... after. If you're coming to the dinner portion let us know.

Here's home.

Why That Face?

Every Sperm Is Sacred
While in Missouri, it was impossible to go five minutes without seeing some type of anti-abortion propaganda. There were billboards literally in sight of each other with pictures of babies doing non-baby things along with some corresponding copy- like a pre-cognitive baby photographed at the moment their fist is at their chin so they seem inquisitive, and then a thought bubble reading "Did you know... life begins at conception?" They struck me a bit like those black and white posters highlighted with bits of color, where children in adult clothes do adult things and give me the creeps.

Anyway, along with the barrage of infants thinking, there were also probably as many billboards telling me who to call to get a vasectomy reversed. I thought it was strange but didn't give it much more thought until I heard about these crazies. Quiver Full Ministries will provide you with the immaterial resources you need to raise 6, 8, 13, hell, even two dozen kids. And if you've gone and done something horrible like have a vasectomy, Blessed Arrows will help you repent by paying for a vasectomy reversal. Doesn't their animation seem disturbing- on many levels?

Anyway, if you're not having a full quiver of children, I'll see you in hell... from heaven. Or maybe hell, I'm not sure what their theology would do with me. I continue to have sex knowing that reproduction is not likely... I'm guessing they probably would focus on the intent and openness to children... No that's still no good for them since gay people might want to have children and be completely open to the possibility... What to do, what to do?

Speaking of crazy ideas about sex...

You Won't Go Blind, But Your Head Will Explode And You'll See Cartoon Characters Everywhere
MY PRESIDENT's new appointee for a role at the Department of Population Affairs says sex causes brain damage. He has pictures and big words to prove it. So, kids, don't have sex. Finally irrefutable proof, modern science has all the answers we need and they, conveniently enough, correspond to the instructions we seem to find in the Bible.

Some people might say positions that say GOD=SCIENCE are just as absurd as BATS=BIRDS. But obviously they're wrong. Unless... (I'm rubbing my chin and and gazing at the ceiling)... Nope that's the way it is.

Speaking of heads exploding...

Who Says Never Swear, Neither By Heaven Nor Earth?
Because I hate myself I often sign up for various newsletters, articles and releases that often have the subtitle "Where's the Outrage?!" Articles like this.

You may have heard the first Muslim ever was elected to Congress. Are you outraged yet? Well dig this: he swore on a Qur'an. Did you crap your pants? Let me say it again: He swore on... (wait for it)... A QUR'AN!!

I guess there's a lot wrong with me if I find this event just as meaningful (read meaningless) as swearing on a Bible, a dictionary, a hymnal, or stack of comic books. But the outrage and fear she's trying to muster about this, that I like. That means something. I especially like this:

Ellison will be sworn in on a Koran. So now the Bible is equivalent to the Koran in the halls of Congress? Doesn't this then mean he is pledging allegiance to Islamic Law (Sharia) rather than our Constitution? Where is the outrage here? He will also bring his prayer mat and pray to Mecca. Ellison is a Sunni Muslim.

Oh in case you didn't know, BIBLE=CONSTITUTION.

Speaking of Muslims in Congress...

I Feel Like Saying "You're a Dirty Redneck That's Going to Lynch Me"
Glenn Beck is a dough faced AM radio guy that got a gig on CNN's Headline News. I understand it's a saturated market- what's an inarticulate, humorless, "conservative" white guy to do to prove that he, at last, speaks for us. Well how about stooping even lower than the others? That's not easy, but he's making some progress. One way he's done that is to disregard all the KKK, Council of Conservative Citizens, Christian Identity Movement, and other white supremacist affiliated and supported Representatives and Senators in Congress, and ask the one American Muslim to prove he's not allied with any foreign groups that don't want us in their backyards.

With that being said, you are a Democrat. You are saying, "Let's cut and run." And I have to tell you, I have been nervous about this interview with you, because what I feel like saying is, "Sir, prove to me that you are not working with our enemies."
And I know you're not. I'm not accusing you of being an enemy, but that's the way I feel, and I think a lot of Americans will feel that way.

GLENN BECK=PURE KOUNTRY

Is This A New Feature?
There is No Greater Love- Dizzy Gillespie
Freedom of Choice- Devo
Taxman- The Beatles
Break My Body- The Pixies
Sitting in Limbo- Jimmy Cliff
Wild World- Jimmy Cliff
I'm Tongue Tied- The Magnetic Fields
Fleshdunce- Dead Kennedys
Rock 'n' Roll Suicide- David Bowie
London Calling- The Clash
Iron Man- Black Sabbath
Adult Books- X
Electricity- Talking Heads

You're Killing Me, Larry

If you're not familiar with Sit n Sleep and their commercials, consider yourself lucky. Even just thinking about them, the stupid catchphrases are stuck in my head, and probably will be until iTunes pulls up an ABBA song (c'mon Waterloo). Their commercials are stupid and annoying, as are a lot of commercials. I'd embed a video of the commercial as a point of reference, but apparently no teenagers have thought to upload any to YouTube. My point is not that they're stupid. Like I said, that's not much in the world of commercials. I think they also happen to be anti-semitic. Oh I found them.

I have no problem with using stereotypes in satire or to make a good point. Dave Chappelle using stereotypes to undermine them and mock the people who actually believe they are useful tools for negotiating life or controlling others is perfect... mostly.

Whatever.

Sit n Sleep's use of cheap Jewish stereotypes is for nothing more than selling mattresses- talk about a shonda. An accountant named Irwin with a whiney, nasally voice complaining about how much money they're losing... am I the only one who sees this? Really?

M'eh...

Maybe I'm paranoid, maybe I'm just a baby, maybe I'm just smarter than most people, but I notice these things. You need me. You need me to see these things. Things like the convergence of the Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act, the secret listing of Americans who cannot enter or leave the country, the Justice Dept. and courts saying non-citizens can be held indefinitely without trial, and MY PRESIDENT saying it's exceptional that we still held elections even though we're at war.

A nutshell:
a.) Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act: If you cause economic loss for a business via any form of protest you can be declared a terrorist. (Read- if you sponsor a successful boycott or peacefully picket a place and customers are turned away, you're a terrorist)
b.) You can be secretly placed on a no entry/exit list, even with a visa, and have no way to challenge your placement because the whos, hows, and whats of the list are a secret, essentially making you a prisoner without trial.
c.) The universal rights of people and limits on a government's power to imprison people claimed in our Bill of Rights seems to not matter. Mix this with the increasing ways "the government" can label people terrorists, combatants, or otherwise outside of the protection of the Constitution, mmmm that's good tyranny.
d.) The Constitutional given that we elect our leaders isn't such a given if it's ever a surprise that we would hold elections.

If 9/11 changed everything- if it changed things to this, didn't "they" win?

Look I have papers to finish and essays to grade. You have to start putting these pieces together without me.

Okay- I know how we'll do this. Here's a test. Here's another commercial I'm a big baby about. In this case I am sure I'm right.
So what do you think?

Does it help if I tell you that Chevy named this commercial "RaHoWa?"

They didn't, but when it's this obvious do they have to?

Oh well; good luck.

Now Is the Time I Disappear
Delta 88- X
Superstition- Stevie Wonder
With a Little Luck- Paul McCartney
I Asked For Water- Howlin' Wolf
Talk About the Passion- REM
Gouge Away- Pixies
C-C- Tom Vek
Gimme the Car- Violent Femmes
Casey Jones- Grateful Dead
It Aint Easy- David Bowie
Brazil- Juan Garcia Esquivel (how appropriate)

Remember The Magic

It seems I'm too cranky to have a sense of humor these days, so I'm posting this 'cos it makes me laugh inside and I told I Like Girls I would.

Sigh

We Care About Money, Remember?

In Iraq right now, there are a number of private contractors doing the work that used to be done by the military itself. Everything from digging latrines, to providing meals, to security, to the torturous interrogation of detainees is done by private firms like KBR, Global Risk Strategies and Blackwater. Then there are the contracts for building Iraqi infrastructure: schools, hospitals, roads, water systems, electrical grids. You know, the stuff that was there before but has to be rebuilt because we blew it up.

Things aren't going very well for these private contractors. That should be qualified, these private companies are making butt loads of money. In that regard, the only measure that may matter to some, these contractors are doing quite well. There is a lot of work for them to do. In fact the longer the occupation the more they make- guaranteed. The building contractors profit even if they don't get the job done. Their pay is typically based on a formula that guarantees them a profit whether they finish a job on schedule, under budget, or ever. The more it costs them, the more they get paid.

The security firms do not fall under military authority- technically they aren't combatants- but their bullets and bombs don't understand that technicality. The security contractors' missions are that of their clients: protecting cargo, passengers, gathering information- whatever. Their goals are profit, not necessarily the stabilization of Iraq. Similarly, the rebuilders of Iraq are not primarily concerned with stabilization or recovery- they get paid whether a job is done or not and the government agency responsible for auditing and overseeing progress and spending has been shut down and only recently (post November 7) has there been any talk about it reopening. For a few, Iraq and its people are a veritable pinata, whose burst open body and broken limbs are an ever flowing stream of goodies. The more it's hit, the more it gives. The head of Halliburton has made over $100,000,000 in stock value since the war began. Cool huh?

When I say things aren't going well for the private contractors, I mean they've been involved in torturing Iraqis, building shitty buildings and, falling short of their goals because of the government that governs least sends the least troops mentality that has fostered such a violent occupation. All in all we're paying a lot for the opportunity to crap on the Iraqis, and then charging them (and us again) for a shower that doesn't work. Making friends.

This is no accident, and while mercenaries and profiteers aren't new, they are present in unheard of numbers for an American conflict. This is the new military envisioned by a certain ideology- this is the military and a war of privatization. It's making Iraq more dangerous for everyone there. It is making troops and Iraqis less safe. And it costs a lot. Someone could easily say that profit is the priority in this situation. It definitely seems to be the most clearly outlined and pursued goal.

Blah blah blah...

So is this due solely to corporate greed? Is it an inevitable outcome of privatization? Is it just incompetence? Is it evil?

It's hard to describe this simply as a financial issue, because it isn't. Still, spending $300,000,000,000 to not catch Osama bin Laden is something.

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

or I Guess It's Okay When You Say It Like That

MILWAUKEE (AP) -- U.S. Sen. Russ Feingold has decided against seeking the 2008 Democratic presidential nomination, saying he wanted to focus on his work in the Senate.

In a letter posted on his political action committee's Web site, Feingold said he was excited that Tuesday's elections gave Democrats control of both chambers of Congress, giving them the chance to "undo much of the damage that one-party rule has done to America."

"We can actually advance progressive solutions to such major issues as guaranteed health care, dependence on oil and our unbalanced trade policies," he wrote.

NY Times


When you were a young'n did you ever have a crush on a professor or some such person? Did you go out of your way to ask them questions and do extra well in class so they would notice you? Did you work extra hard on your final paper and write them a note telling them how much you enjoyed their class? Did you contemplate staying on past graduation as their research assistant? You're a nerd.

I had a crush on a Sociology Professor at UCSB. She reminded me a bit of Dana Scully- no nonsense, assertive, thought-provoking, challenging, smart, red hair. Except she was better than Dana Scully; she was real, and a sociologist. Of course, if a crush like that is ever requited, the person on whom you have the crush is not really crushworthy. In which case, the whole situation is rather sad and pathetic, rather than mopey and a bit sappy.

So Russ Feingold is opting to not run for president, instead choosing to remain in a place where he thinks he can do more good for the country. The very quality that makes him so attractive for president makes him choose not to run... Of course those in the know say senator is the real peach public office; the cynical might say Russ Feingold is doing this as some self-serving, K Street-Republican, wealth-grabbing power play. To which I say, "I will fight you." I will fight you and use whatever I remember of my deadly martial arts training to cause a dislocation of your humeroulnar joint with a fracture of the radial head... or I will shatter your thyroid cartilage with a well-placed elbow or forearm. I'd like to hear you bad mouth Russ Feingold then... or... what else could I do? I could come at you as a giant Slor. Many Shuvs and Zools will know what it it to be roasted in the depths of the Slor that day, I can tell you.

Oh what am I doing?

Russ Feingold is right. The Senate needs him. We need him in the Senate. He's decent and a good senior leader. America's not ready for a decent person in the White House- not just yet- maybe not ever. Because daddy didn't love us. Because nothing we did was ever good enough for mother. Because we're not ready. We still want someone that treats us as badly as we know we deserve. Russ can't fix that. We have to fix ourselves before we can deserve someone like Russ Feingold.

Maybe If We Think, and Wish, and Hope, and Pray It Might Come True...

Jon Stewart? Really. I literally said, "Now it's the Democrats turn to be perverted and corrupt." But what thanks do I get?- What payment do I get? Nothing. Even the knowledge that I came up with it first is like ashes in my mouth. Whatever. Like it's that clever of a joke anyway.

So I had someone come whooping into class yesterday saying how happy she was that Rumsfeld resigned and it looked like both Houses of Congress were going Democrat. That's cool. Being a hippy fag, I am happy to see this "thumpin,'" as MY PRESIDENT has put it. But, in the same vein, that is as a hippy fag, I am wary of the "election as climax" view.

I'm a liberal because I believe in the potential of the state to do good. I believe in cooperation, planning, a public, a common weal, responsibility to and for each other, and the real historic manifestation of these ideas. But I'm a Christian- so I see us individually as contingent, limited, prone to failure in our best efforts, selfish, easily seduced by power, and perfectly content to destroy everything, including ourselves, in our lust for that power. Though, also as a Christian, that's not the whole story; I am hopeful. I guess I'm a hippy Jesus fag.

I guess.

I don't buy into the fear. I'm not too worried about the Heterosexual Exclusion Act of 2007. I'm actually looking forward to some good old San Francisco values. I hope some good can be done. I hope the Feingolds, the Deans, the Kucinchs... Kuciniches... Kucinichen? will last longer and do more than the Clintons and Feinsteins. Expanding Medicare, raising the minimum wage, putting us back on the right side of the Geneva Conventions, grinding up old people and feeding them to the poor- there's some work to do I suppose. But won't it be nice if Congress actually does work, some function over dysfunction?

Eh...? Maybe? Fingers crossed?

Wait a Minute!

Dear Mr Jonas Koromah,

Who are you? I see you are using the same email address as Dr Nuhu, but I have not had any dealing with you before. What have you done with Dr. Nuhu and why are you contacting me instead of him? Explain yourself and this highly unusual interspersion into our business!

Demandingly yours,
skybalon

I Already Bought Calf Implants and a Hummer

Dear Mr skybalon,
Greetings and many thanks for your mail, 50650 was a mistake, I mean 50/50%.
 
Once again I assured to you that you have noting to worried about to comsummate this deal than to fill in the application and send it to the Bank.
 
This is my direct phone line 00226 7609 7028, so call me immediately you send the application to the Bank.
 
Mr Jonas Koromah.
 
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
 
 
 
ATTN: MRS JAMILA AMINA ALI,
The Director of Operations
Foreign Remittance Division
Bank of Africa (BOA)
Ouagadougou Burkina-faso.
Tel:Fax: 00226-5042-0179.
Email: (boa_g_headquters@excite.com)
Dear Sir/madam
LETER OF ENQUIRY AS TO THE STATUS OF ACCOUNT NUMBER:$286-41732-55. WHICH BELONGS TO MY NEXT OF KIN DR. GEORGE BRUMLEY WHO DIED ON JUNE 15, 2001.
I Mr ..(your name), of....(address)..........humbly applies to this bank today the.......(date)........as next of kin to your deceased customer late Dr. George Brumley from America.
I humbly apply putting claim over his balance with this bank valued at M 25,600
000.00 USD, left in account number:$286-41732-55 .
I also wish my application will be given an urgent attention as I wish this balance be released and re-transfered into my account as stated below.
BANK NAME: ................................................
ADDRESS:.....................................................
ACCOUNT NUMBER: ......................................
ROUTING NUMBER: .........................(IFAVAILABLE)
SWIFT NUMBER: ...........................(IFAVAILABLE)
BENEFICIARY: ..................................................
MY PRIVATE TELL::FAX NUMBER:-....................................Email:............................
I would appreciate your recommendation for an accredited notary to assist me in all legal issues that may arise in this transaction,Please, accept my apologies for this late application as it was due to family logistic problems consequent upon his funeral rights which have just been settled.
I hope you will expedite action, thanks in anticipation for your coperation.
 
Yours faithfully,
...............................
Your name and signature.

To Be a True Player You Have to Know How to Play...

As products of the larger culture, our churches tend to not be places where we can be honest about our sins and hope to be transformed into better people... Well the honesty about sin tends to be abstract and the better people we hope to become seems oriented about finding what does and doesn't work. We are still obsessed with being successful as the broader culture describes it, we just give the barriers and goals different names. Sin keeps you from being successful and if you're a Christian, you're giving yourself the best opportunity to hit those success markers: more money, bigger boobs, better sex, smarter kids, more access, etc... Our sins are little hindrances toward self-fulfillment. "The church" is just another association that augments my personal growth, it only has a value insofar as it develops my human capital. Remembering that we are creatures in service of God and each other doesn't really have a place in a model that values the self so much it is willing to destroy it.

So, as long as that's the church, I don't think we can be honest with each other and confess that Jesus is anything more than the most recent manifestation of some fertility god and that there is an end for humanity apart from a more powerful, more universalized self. But I also see no reason to fret, or any reason why we can't continue in this vein. I mean, I see it as a horrible, deadly illusion, but we're nothing if not adaptable.

So here's some help.

I think I have something that Ted Haggard can use as long as he wants to remain in the Fourth Stage of Evangelical Denial ©. It might even help him get back to Stage 1 and back on top of his game.

It's all a case of mistaken identity.

"Neil Patrick Harris is gay – and wants to quell recent reports that he had denied it. The actor tells PEOPLE exclusively:

"The public eye has always been kind to me, and until recently I have been able to live a pretty normal life. Now it seems there is speculation and interest in my private life and relationships."

People


Problem solved.

Abortions for Some, Little American Flags for Everybody Else

How angry of a Simpsons writer do you have to be to end the Treehouse of Horror on that note last night? It was neither one of those subtle moments when you turn to another and knowingly say, "It's true." Nor was it the kind of laugh out loud but socially critical comedy of Citizen Kang. At its best, The Simpsons have been one of the more biting shows. Even as old people like me bemoan what we see as the general decline of the show, the hits of the current 1 hit for every 2 misses era are often as big a hit as ever. And the Halloween episodes have remained especially relevant- not in a youth-pastory, goateed, middle-aged mom in a thong, do I say "sick" or "dope" way- but in that good old "These are our sacred cows; let's eat them," way. But last night's "It's true- we're so lame" ending was a bit... a lot sour. And still, what a hit.
That they could do this without being preachy or heavy-handed is either a testament to the writers or a measure of how preachy and heavy-handed I am. I guess it could be both. But that it's a cartoon, rather or more than TV news, our churches, or the branch of our government purposed with oversight that offered this clearly stated critique is a testament to how pathetic we all are. Isn't that what we want animated comedies to do for us?

I Will Own You

Dear Dr Samailla Nuhu,

I was beginning to worry that I might not hear from you again, but I was glad to receive your email this week.

Now that I know this is part of your program for concrete evidence of achievement in the banking industry, you have all my attention and confidence. Even as I write this with Reading losing to Liverpool, I am neither distracted nor discouraged. Maybe I'll buy a part of the team with all the money I'll have- I guess I don't want them to finish in the top of the table their first year in the Premiership. Then they might be too expensive- ha ha ha.

Anyway, it may simply be a cultural misunderstanding, but I don't know what 50650 means. Could you explain that please?

And as far as a check goes, I suppose I can agree to a wire transfer and then make my own giant check. I just thought it would make all of this a lot more special if you presented me with a check; but since I now understand that this will be the crowning achievement of your banking career, I can forgo the giant novelty check. I am glad to help you.

You have my willingness to assist. Please send me the draft application of claim. Let's get this party started.

skybalon

I Was Beginning to Worry

From : SAMAILLA NUHU
Sent : Wednesday, November 1, 2006 7:47 AM
To : skybalon
Subject : Update
Dear Mr skybalon,
 
Greetings and many thanks for your mail.
 
1.) I am confused, am I really the next of kin or are we pretending I am the
next of kin (wink)?
I still want to inform you that, this transaction is considered as part of my prospective achievement in life as a banker haven worked for years without concrete evidence of my achievement in the banking industry and thus ,must be given all the vital attention that will make it to work for our corporate interest to be achieved,the request of the foreigner as a next of kin in this GOD Gift is occasioned by the fact that the customer was a foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as the next of kin to a foreigner.

2.) Do you agree to the 85-15 split I suggested?
50650.
3.) Can we arrange that I be paid with one of those big foam-core novelty
checks?
In cheks also Good but I prefer account wire transfer.
  
I shall provide you with all available information that can enable you claim the fund for two of us whenever the bank needs more information from you in relation of the deposited fund, finally, don't forget that I am here to back you up and as such, you should not be afraid but to bring good ideas that will help us to get this fund into your account successfully.
 
Upon the receipt of your willingenss to assits, I will send you by fax or e-mail a draft application of claim which you will send to the bank as the next of kin and the next step to take. I will not fail to bring to your notice that this business is hitch free and that you should not entertain any fear as the whole required arrangement as been perfected for the transfer.
 
To read you soon.
 
Dr Samailla Nuhu

You Bred Raptors?

Hey kids,
In a controversial study, researchers have resurrected a retrovirus that infected our ancestors millions of years ago and now sits frozen in the human genome...

The researchers showed that the newly crated virus could infect a variety of human cell lines and replicate. But its infectivity was extremely low, perhaps because human cells have evolved resistance against such viral invaders...

"I think it's pretty exciting," says John Coffin, who studies retroviruses at Tufts University in Boston.

ScienceNOW via BOING

Haven't TV and movies yet taught us that everything "scientists" do will somehow kill us all? The only way scientists can help us is if they are just one of a handful of castaways on an uncharted desert isle. Even then, their benefit is limited, but then so is their destructive power.

I'm not as worried as I might otherwise be though- I mean "ancestors millions of years ago..." and "evolved resistance-" These guys can't be that good of scientists if they're working from premises like that.

Am I right, or am I right?

I Know Who You Are and Where You Live

QweenBean says I need to do a better job of protecting people's anonymity in my interblog. I say most anyone that reads it already knows who's who. She says that's why I need to watch what I write and about whom I write it.

Screw that.

But I do like coming up with nicknames and so will do a better job of not using anyone's real name.

That being said:

Happy Birthday, Grandpa.

Also, Reading's struggling with the big boys these days.

Sex, Drugs, and Watered-Down Adult Contemporary Pop

Ted Haggard, gay! Or he maybe just had sex with another man. You may or may not know who Ted Haggard is, but he might be gay. If you're a Christian in America, it's likely he's your pope- or like your pope. If you're a Christian in America, he's probably also part of the cabal of pastors, politicians, the psychologist, and talking heads that not only says how you think you should read the Bible you carry around in a nylon case, but also which bubbles you should fill out on your voting ballot. They're why you think Jesus rode a dinosaur to church and why when America does it, it's okay. They're who your pastor probably first consults before anyone else for the weekly concert and personal affirmation we call a sermon these days; they're consulted before even the Holy Spirit. Ted's the head of that "they." He meets with MY PRESIDENT, or at least met with MY PRESIDENT, regularly- as his spiritual advisor. MY PRESIDENT said they agreed on everything except what kind of truck to drive.

And now... well I don't know about "right now" but as of late, Pastor Ted has resigned his positions as head pastor of his church and president of the NAE so that a full investigation into the allegations can occur.

What allegations? Well, a former prostitute has alleged that he and Pastor Ted have had sex and drugs. He alleges he has proof. Pastor Ted has begun the process of Evangelical Loss- it's a five step process that begins when status or position is threatened. He seems to be at step three right now- Well he was at stage 2 last night. According to Morning Edition- and I can never be too sure about what I hear on Morning Edition given the Snooze Button dream-like haze I hear it in- he may be at stage 3. Stage 1 is denial. Stage 2 is qualified denial pending an investigation. Stage 3 is admission of indiscretions. Stage 4 is blaming someone/thing else- perhaps the liberal media, alcoholism, a Catholic priest, or Bill Clinton. Stage 5 is the book tour.

Some people, for a number of reasons, will delight in this. The hypocrisy, the proof of sanctimony, the justice of the unicorn, the irony, are sometimes the only good things people know. Maybe people like to see Christians fail- a lot of the time it's because Christians give the impression that they can't, or don't. I don't know what all will motivate people. I do know, people who didn't know who Ted Haggard is, will know now and feel very satisfied.

It's sad. Pastor Ted's betrayed his family and this guy; he's sinned against God. It will be made all the more sad if Pastor Ted does in fact go down the road of Evangelical loss following in the fresh steps of the likes of Tom Delay, Ken Lay, and Ralph Reed. People who call themselves Evangelicals these days generally don't know what to do with something as strange as guilt. But then how could we/they if the whole foundation of our/their lives seems to be "I believe in Jesus so whatever I do is okay, unless it's not, in which case someone else made me do it."?

Wow, that's a really unfair caricature.

Anyway, as I said, Pastor Ted seems to have admitted some type of wrong-doing. I don't know what that means- maybe all he did was go see Wicked and had brunch, that might be bad enough for Colorado Springs. Or maybe he [redacted] a [redacted] while he [redacted] his [redacted] on a leather [redacted] in his mouth. Like I said, I don't know.

What I do know... think... struggle with... We (Evangelicals?) have done such a great job of making it clear gay people are not welcome in the church that it seems we're not really the church. We have such a reified picture of gay as some absolute other, that we have no need to deal with it or people we place into that conceptual category apart from some very bizarre and dangerous criteria. What's that worth? That's definitely not being the Body of Christ.

So he sinned against his family, this guy, and God... I guess allegedly. Well, not allegedly. I suppose whatever his specific acts may have been, whether it was smoking a slim cigarette or smoking a... no that's too blue... whether it was drinking an Appletini or... doing something else, he felt it was worth resigning his positions. But he possibly did his church a favor. Some chickens need to come home to roost. Maybe, it's providential... yeah "maybe."

Maybe, I guess I should say hopefully, the most influential Christian in America going through all this will help us see that gay people are (wackily enough) people. We're not the church if there is some scary evil "other" that we feel comfortable and confident excluding and by that confirm our own goodness or against whom we define down our own sin.

Or we can just take the next step down the road we're on- look harder for the gays, line them up and kick them out, then build our walls higher and thicker.

ed- derived apologies to SNL

No Complaints, But How About Some Variety iTunes?
Girl- Beck
Ed is Dead- The Pixies
So. Central Rain- REM
Lovesong- The Cure
Lord Only Knows- Beck
Hey- The Pixies
Jamming- Bob Marley
Don't Worry About the Government- Talking Heads
Hyper-Ballad- Bjork
Pretty Vacant- Sex Pistols
The Duke- Miles Davis

Sexy Comes Earlier and Earlier Every Year

I'm not the first to note that Halloween often carries the opportunity/challenge/oppressive requirement that women be a sexy/skanky/slutty whatever. A woman's not just a nurse for Halloween, she's a sexy/skanky/slutty nurse. This just means she's a nurse in a short skirt, push up bra, high heels, and low cut top. If she's a car, ghost, robot, grandma, table, maid, giraffe, amoeba... leaf... bucket... whatever- it's the same thing.

Other people have written Feminist critiques of this or just made the funny observation that it's the women who don't buy into the caricature of woman that don't do this.

Whatever.

I wanted there to be a caricature of hyper-masculinity that I could be for Halloween but anything I thought of seemed too Pride Parade. Plus, there isn't much that might be hyper-masculine that I can pull off. Unless it's hairy. I can do that.

I can also pull off sexy Vikram Ray. So I did.

The World's A Mess; It's In My Kiss

So thinking about my awesome Jack-o-Lantern, I thought something like this:
"... a symbol of generalized angst that accompanies the historical conditions of globalization can't beat a classical representation of the real horrors of starving Irish immigrants and their barely disguised pagan worship..."

And it made me think this:
"... Ha- another way Mexicans and Irish are similar- they hang on to their 'old ways' pretty tightly."

And then writing notes and looking up some images for class this week I thought:
"...the mining through tradition and the reformulation we do to make sense of who we are is wild- culture is a bit of an illusion."

There is no real "they," no Irish, no Mexican, except for the Irish and Mexican we create.

Of course there is a place called Ireland, a place called Mexico and people there and not there who identify themselves as Irish or Mexican. (Though even those labels suggest a continuity or stability of identity that is not real- ask if someone is Tarascan or Purepecha, Mexica, or Mexican- and they might say, "Yes"). So Halloween is an Irish holiday that would make no sense if it were transported, as we practice it here, back to Eire for their Samhain, but without that there would be no Halloween as we have it here. This isn't just to say that we (should) understand ourselves via inherited traditions or live in a particular context. That's just being alive- go ahead, try being outside of history and see what happens. The point is, we pick and choose and labor to craft an identity based on who we think we are or what we should be- and just as intensely labor to create an identity for those who are not us. It's good to understand that, in fact, it's a problem, a horrible problem when we don't. When we think that a culture can be a closed and stable body of phenomena that determine behavior, that is as dumb as saying "Ohh... Gemini and Virgo are ruled by Mercury, don't buy that house this year."

Irish aren't one way, Arabs another, Mexicans yet another and on. That is, there is no thing that is Irish, Arab, Mexican, French, German, Chinese because it is Irish, Arab, Mexican, French, German, Chinese. We can say that in particular historical conditions there are traditions and behaviors that are possible and observable, but it is neither a genuine appreciation of diversity nor a true understanding of what we are as human to say, "You're ___ because you're Irish."

There are at least three reasons why this matters to me (besides obliquely addressing it in class this week): Reason the 1st- I am part of a community/culture that wants to transform its identity into something that is neither consistent with its assumed tradition nor the understanding we have of what it means to be in Christ. It doesn't help to say, "That's not who we are," because very quickly it's who we could be. But that's a bad we to be. Calling ourselves EFCSW instead of a Yearly Meeting, Annual Conference instead of the same, murmurs that we may discard our Fervent Convictions, being so cozy with Biola, inviting Master's Seminarians to speak to our congregations all mean something- something bad.

These aren't just random happenings, but events in the ongoing formation of our community character and identity- none of which are appropriate to who we think we are as disciples, people who have been called to be transformed from slaves to friends of Christ. If they're a deliberate rejection of Quakerism, that's sad. If they are thoughtless or based on church growth-marketing strategies (same thing as thoughtless I guess) that's more than sad... sadder I guess.

Reason B. Many things in the air these days suggest we don't understand culture this way. There seems to be this talk of a conflict of civilizations, of essential attributes of culture being behind this so called defining war of the 21st century. Oh the conflict is really there, but the reasons attributed to it, the categories for thinking about it, and what we imagine can be done are facile and, well... wrong. The corollary aspects of this syndrome have us believing there is something unified and bound called "American" that is sustained by becoming more and more like our enemies but is somehow justified by some magical substance that is "America."

Nothing above suggests that differences and conflict aren't real. But, this reduction of conflict to an issue of culture or civilization justifies and exacerbates it.

Reason #3- I am thinking about Halloween and Dia de Los Muertos and how much fear there is surrounding these celebrations. I am wondering if this fear is of death, remembering we are spiritual, of some pagan "other," of Papists, or good old Christian in-fighting.

At least, in their refusing to give up their "pre-Christian" practices, autumn is made that much better for us... whoever that might be.

That's all- no big deal.

Who's Been Telling Lies?
So What- Miles Davis
Aquarius- The 5th Dimension
La Vie En Rose- Edith Piaf
Slow Country- Gorillaz
Join Together- The Who
Happiness is a Warm Gun- The Beatles
World's A Mess; It's In My Kiss- X

Jack-O-Editorials

I must be very tedious company; even our Jack-o-lanterns are politicized? See how we've incorporated the themes of the season into our creations- brilliant isn't it? 9/11 and sheer terror- what more could you ask for?

Here's what more I could ask for: in any pumpkin carving contest, blatantly maudlin entries should be tossed from our roof and onto our compost pile, judges should be thoroughly vetted, found familiar with classical jack-o-lantern forms, and be able to distinguish between generalized anxiety and real fear.

A Second Hand Emotion

Another Christian couple we know is divorcing. This one, "childed" three times, made it about seven years. Here's what they seemed to have going for them:
advanced degrees
financial security
church going
clearly designated and strictly enforced "gender roles"
"traditional values" oriented
'Eh, I'd say they had all that going against them too.

The husband is intensely misogynistic, more than just the way most American Christians are. He says some pretty stupid things about the way men are and the way women are, and how much better men are than women simply by virtue of their being men or women. As I said, most American Christians aren't too keen on the ladies so I don't know that this caused the divorce... then again I guess most Christian marriages end in divorce so... maybe. Still it seems many people are perfectly content to participate in their own devaluing. But maybe the intensity of the misogyny is suggestive. There's only so many places you can go when a man so vehemently declares how worthless women are and how much he prefers the company of men. We'll see if that shoe drops too.

They live in a state that is passionately pro-family. Of course by pro-family, I don't mean that they support a minimum living wage, universalizing health care, creating and supporting high-functioning successful schools or things like that. I mean they hate gay people and the idea of them getting married. I guess they didn't hate gay marriage hard enough to save their own. And they're smack dab in the middle of the Bible Belt, the state in the Bible Belt that has the nation's 6th highest divorce rate and doesn't consider it a hate crime to beat someone up because they're gay.

...sigh...

The same week the Mark Foley Sexually Predatory Alcoholic story broke there was another story in the San Francisco Chronicle that in another context might be called a human interest story, but here and now it has a very political content. It was about a couple who have been together for the past 26 years. Over these past 26 years they have raised five children. These children were abandoned by their parents, exposed in the womb to alcohol or drugs, had few options other than emergency residential or group home placement. After having worked as a social worker, I would guess it impossible to conceive of a hell for children worse than group homes or temporary emergency placement- temporary placements that more often turn out to be permanent. To be fair I suppose some people can't imagine a hell worse than their having two dads.

The narrative I'm supposed to buy along with the Foley story contains a few elements that make it impossible for the Chronicle story to exist in the same universe as the Foley story: that somehow his behavior was promoted by the permissive environment created by out of control political correctness, that he could creep around unafraid because no one wanted to be accused of gay-bashing, that the gay in a gay person makes them dangerous, less, scary, failed. I'm supposed to figure Foley stalked teenagers because he was gay, not because he was a jerk. I am supposed to believe that there is something integral to the being of a gay person that makes them not only sexual predators, but incapable of doing anything like raising children. These guys raising these kids are not supposed to be able to do anything other than pursue their own narcissistic sexual gratification. So in that sense, I suppose there really is a crime against nature here.

26 years. That beats my parents. That beats most divorcees I know. And five kids. Five adopted kids. That's seems pretty selfless- maybe pro-life even. Don't these guys know they're gay?

If Lady Skybalon ever decides to divorce me, I'm guessing it'll be because she got sick of hearing me complain about a messy bathroom. But I guess now you can say it's because of my weak stand against the gays.

So I switched to Beta- what am I supposed to do with that? I I preferred editing in HTML. And labels? Doesn't that impose some kind of method to this, now I have to think of things as connected and part of my oeuvre? Labels!? We'll see about that.

Meg White Has a Horrible Voice
Overjoyed- Stevie Wonder
No Way- Pearl Jam
Midnight Rambler- The Rolling Stones
Last Stop: This Town- Eels
Half a Person- The Smiths
Passive Manipulation- The White Stripes
Landslide- Fleetwood Mac

I Say We Hang Him... Then We Kill Him

Another Active Martyr Devotion- This Time Timely
Calvin: I hope that the sentence of death will at least be passed on him; but I desire that the severity of the punishment be mitigated.
Farel: Screw that, burn him.
On October 27 (that's today), 1553 Michael Servetus was burned at the stake in Switzerland for denying that the Trinity was a scriptural concept and rejecting infant baptism. John Calvin thought he should be executed by sword rather than fire. He testified against him and urged the death penalty, only a gentle death penalty.

In this moment of weakness, William Farel admonished his brother in Christ to be bold and demand that Servetus be burned for the preservation of Calvin's faith. Certainly if, as Calvin taught, adulterers, witches, and disobedient children should be executed, then heretics deserved the most painful death imaginable. Farel wouldn't let Calvin budge and so Servetus was burned.

Do you sometimes feel squeamish about what the Lord requires of you? Are you ever confused about how to act? Don't cringe from encouragement and correction in the Body of Christ. Calvin was confused too. Providentially, Farel was there to sharpen him.

Are we sometimes divided over the details of our faith? Make sure you reach out to your brothers and sisters in Christ in those areas where we find common ground. We may not know how to kill God's enemies, but by His grace we know that they deserve to die. Whether we are on the receiving or giving end of encouragement and correction we can be united in purpose.

Lord, we ask that wherever Your Body may be divided we find unity. We ask that you look not on our sin, but in your mercy find us faithful for being willing to kill at all.

Maybe You Ate a Clove

I had to brush my teeth after that last post.

Here's something much more pleasant:

Russ Feingold is the 2006 Person of the Year

Editor Brennan Nardi says she and editorial director Neil Heinen have had their eyes on Feingold for the honor since 2005, when he became the first senator of either party to call for troop withdrawal in Iraq. “It’s really a culmination of an exciting decision for Madison and Wisconsin on whether he’ll run for president, his independent stands on extremely important and often divisive issues, and his continued commitment to travel around the state to listen to what people have to say about them.”

WISPOLITICS.COM

Russ Feingold is so great, he can be named 2006's person of the year before the year is even over.

Holy Moly I love this guy.

(single tear)

Back to The Future

Farmers farming, small businesses growing, people going to the market all under a government that is sovereign, can sustain and defend itself, and is a US ally. That's why we invaded and now occupy Iraq. At least that's what MY PRESIDENT says. (No transcript link as the news conference is still under way).

Uh... isn't that a bit vague or a kind of low bar? I know he's not very specific when he talks about things like freedom and democracy, and when he's more specific, what he describes hardly sounds like the kind of freedom and democracy humans require. I mean, after all, isn't what he describes what existed under Saddam Hussein? That's sad.

Oh and here's a fun quote from the news conference:
"Look, I rea- uh I look at the newspapers around here."

Once Again

Look how many posts in one day; this is just like the old days.

This is barely a real post though. Still, this Saturday at 7PM, we are having our... I don't know 6th? annual Halloween Pumpkin Monster Fest... thing. If you can read this you are invited- especially you, Russ Feingold staffer forced to search through the series of tubes for mentions of your boss.

Anyway costumes are encouraged but not required.

Here's where I live.

It Works If You Work It

Rename The Policy Game That's Not a Game
My interblog contests don't work so I won't try to force a game out of it, though it would be a good one.

We know now that "Stay The Course" was never MY PRESIDENT'S Iraq war policy; only an idiot would think that's what he meant when he said it. But still, he probably won't be saying it as much. What will he say?

If it were a game I would say suggest your name for the policy and you could win something... something like... a Serrano Chile Plant. Yes!

Okay, I am so spineless. It's a game. If you come up with a new suggestion for the new Iraq War policy euphemism (that's probably going to become what has heretofore been characterized as "cut and run") and I pick it as the winner, you win a Serrano Chile plant. I also have some Habanero plants, I guess I could give one of those to a really great name. Well, I'm getting ahead of myself.

There it is, win a FREE chile plant by renaming the Iraq War Policy euphemism. Make salsa for your friends.

Your Future Lies Before You

So a big story for hippies this week is how MY PRESIDENT has said his policy has never been "stay the course." That anyone would make political hay of this is really a disservice to our country and reveals how little they know the man in the office. But perhaps worse, it misses the opportunity for personal growth that MY PRESIDENT offers whenever he speaks.

It's true MY PRESIDENT did say the US would "stay the course" in Iraq, over and over again. But to say that he meant we would "stay the course" in Iraq when he said we would "stay the course" really doesn't grasp the nuance of language and understanding, and how MY PRESIDENT, especially, is a master of variegated interpretations and layered meanings.

His words reach out to us and demand from us participation in understanding. That's what language generally requires, but MY PRESIDENT takes it further and cleverly uses the simplest expressions to address the most complex realities, and in that we are required to move beyond a facile awareness of life and into a deeper interrelatedness with each other and our real historic conditions.

When he says, "Either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists," the simple hearer might take those words at face value and imagine they represent some sort of actual reality or correspond to a clearly identified US policy. As if yes could mean yes and no, no.

"We do not torture" would mean we do not torture. "No war plans on my desk" would have a clear and direct meaning. But that understanding would merely be superficial. If that were the case, officially declaring Syria a sponsor of terrorism could mean something like we would not send a Canadian citizen making a stopover at JFK to Syria to be tortured. Is that what we want- to passively accept assumed meanings like some type of machine simply receiving input?

MY PRESIDENT is extending an invitation; he wants us to think deeply and grow beyond the convention of words and the limited conditions through which we perceive the world. He wants us to be more than cogs or processors and join him in creating meaning and crafting our reality. FREEDOM is definitely on the march, but not only from "Cairo to Kabul;" he invites us to free our minds as well.

If we accept his offer, not only are we freed from the prison of convention and imposed meaning, but we are suddenly bound to each other in new and exciting ways. We become members of a free and genuine community of our own making.

I'm An Alligator, I'm a Mama-Papa Coming For You
No Shuffle Play:
The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust- David Bowie

Defenestration is Fancy For "Toss Out a Window"

An Active Martyr Devotion
When we're killing for Christ it's important to remember it's not just the heathen that has to be killed. Oh it's important, but they're a steady outside threat that is easy enough to identify. When we need to round 'em up, we can easily spot them by their swarthiness, their funny hats, accents, or beards; and if it's too hard to spot them on the street, we can just wait until they gather to worship their false gods and collect them then.

Never forget, as dangerous as "they" are, there is a greater threat from the inside. Those who would claim to stand among us are a cancer in the Body of Christ. And like cancer, it often takes extreme measures to remove this threat. If we look to history as our example, we see there is as great a threat from those who would claim to be with us as there is from the outside.

We must be willing to examine our own communities and identify the Judas. Who is it that would threaten Christ from within our fold? That's a tough question, luckily we are surrounded by a great cloud of witnesses who possessed a great purity of vision and purpose.

Today's Active Martyr (that's what we'll call them) is Jan Zelivsky.

This Hussite preacher so loved the Lord and hated the corruption of the Church, he led his congregation to storm city hall and throw the city council from the upper windows and onto spears below.

Bold enough in itself, this move soon prompted the Hussite Wars wherein the Hussites were known to not take prisoners, preferring to shoot horses out from under mounted cavalry and then showering the heavily armored but immobile knights with musket fire in the streets.

They eventually got what they wanted: to celebrate with bread and wine.

Heavenly Father, give us a passion for your church. Let us act with boldness and zeal for the sake of Your Bride's purity.

That's Great But It Costs 250 MP to Use

Yahoo News story about a cloaking device.

Peter in The Garden

"Even if I must die with you, I will not deny you."
And behold, one of those with Jesus stretched out his hand and drew his sword, and struck the slave of the high priest, and cut off his ear.

Maybe this is the zenith of Peter's career. We don't hear of him doing anything like this again, but whatever it was that subsequently stole his passion for Our Lord, we still have his early example.

He wasn't a soldier, or even an independent contractor trained in special interrogation techniques, still we see he was willing to do what he could- blooming where he was planted, if you will.

Maybe you're worried that you don't have anything to offer. You're not old enough to buy a gun; you're too little to beat anyone up; all you have is a lead pipe or a tube sock full of rocks. Look to Peter. In the face of superior numbers and weapons he did what he could. What can you do?

Dear Lord, when I feel small and overwhelmed, when I'm afraid and hemmed in by a great enemy, give me the courage to act.

Now I Get It...

I think it rather stupid when someone looks to the past and says it was such a better time. Especially as it regards the collective morality of the country- our country, that sentiment is stupid. Well, it's stupid as far as an historical or moral perspective are concerned, but it may be a very smart way to alienate someone. Depending on who says it, it could mean, "Things were better before you showed up," or "Boy, wasn't it great when your people knew their place?" or, "I sure wish I could hire a 5 year old to work in my textile mill." Sure it works for those times when you want to make someone feel unwelcome but it's just not true that "things" were better in the past.

And...

... We can hardly overstate our bias for the present. We have an overwhelming preference for right now. That makes sense; after all, it's when we are. But it's limiting. I don't mean what MY PRESIDENT and HIS apologists mean- that we are unable to see the "big picture-" that 200 years from now, no one will remember the dead Iraqis and Americans or tortured Muslims and so everything will be okay. I mean it's easy to forget that people anywhere or anytime have ever thought differently. And if we do remember, it's difficult (impossible) to understand that thought from outside of our own thought.

So...

... I don't think there really is a sense of moral understanding that transcends right now. When we talk about the past being better, it's often a cudgel.

But...

... We can still look to the past for examples and for a bit of clariity. To wit, our present values distort our perspective on those questions of torture and fundamental human dignity. I guess I should be more clear when I say "our," especially if it suggest there is a single "our" or unitary "value." So broadly speaking, I guess I'm addressing me, or anyone like me that is deeply troubled as a disciple of Jesus or as an advocate of the public. Whether we are looking at it as a representative of the state or as disciples of Jesus we might be stuck in the present. As such we do not have the ability to see how what is being done may be perfectly compatible with or required by state or church values. We may need to look to the past.

We've forgotten what it means to kill for Christ. Not just kill, but mutilate, humiliate, ruin, make destitute. I don't think it does any good to say, "I'm a Christian and it's sometimes okay to kill people... or rip out their fingernails." That kind of equivocation is worthless. We have the example of a time when we could confidently say, "I am killing you for Christ;" "May the smoke from your searing flesh be a fragrant offering to my Lord;" "I throw you from this window in the name of the Prince of Peace." It worked before, we need to dust off that sentiment and see how it works today.

Perhaps it's time we add to the catalogue of martyrs those who were bold enough to kill for Jesus so we can remember things weren't always as confused as they might feel now.

I'll do it. If I can begin posting with any kind of regularity again, I will highlight heroes of the Church- those we can look to as shining examples of Christian fortitude and zeal. Let's start with: Peter in the Garden

Why Didn't Somebody Tell Me This Before?
Blue N' Boogie- Dizzy Gillespie
Go With the Flow- Queens of the Stone Age
1979- Smasing Pumpkins
Whatever Happened to Pong?- Frank Black
Seventeen- Sex Pistols
Bird Dream of the Olympus Mons- Pixies
Take Me Out- Franz Ferdinand
You are the Sunshine of My Life- Stevie Wonder
My Descent Into Madness- The Eels
Underture -The Who

Our Three Weapons are Fear, Surprise, and Ruthless Efficiency

Today, some clergy gathered a short walk from the White House to protest a policy prohibiting federal representatives from specifically praying in Jesus' name. It's described as "an 'escalating crisis' over chaplaincy prayer policies."

In the White House itself, MY PRESIDENT signed into law the Military Commissions Act of 2006- making it so "some individuals, at the designation of the executive branch alone, could be picked up, even in the United States, and held indefinitely without trial and without any access whatsoever to the courts" and "permit an individual to be convicted on the basis of coerced testimony" and even "allow someone convicted under these rules to be put to death." Well, that's what Russ Feingold says it would do- but he's a Democrat. And even though that is, in fact, what the law allows, he's probably just politicizing the issue.

Really, trying to make MY PRESIDENT look bad by explaining what this law actually does when MY PRESIDENT has already vaguely justified it, saying it's for saving Amer'can lives. Have you ever seen anything so low?

Well I was going to piss and moan, but I quit. How could I be right. I can hardly find any Christians who see anything wrong with this- I found myself more in agreement with the Jewish Russ Feingold than our Christian PRESIDENT. Shouldn't that be a red flag.

So, for my first act on the winning side (is it my first act...? I think I've pretended to quit before... I can't recall) I would like to offer a prayer- as a sponsor of the state, and of course since Christians are protesting for the right to do so, it must be in Jesus' name:

Lord and source of Love, we ask in our time of dire need that you would protect and guide our hands that interrogate our enemies;
We ask that Your blood would wash and seal us from the blood of those who oppose us.
In the name of the Prince of Peace, bring us victory in the form of actionable intelligence.
And in Your Holy and Life-Giving Name we ask that You make our enemies our victims,
So that Your name might be glorified through all the earth and that all may know, as we act in Your name, that Jesus is Lord.

I've Already Bought a Boat, Suckers

Dear Dr Samailla,
I get it- my cousin (wink) died in Liberia. Excellent. I have a lot of cousins, too many to count, so this is plausible enough for anyone casually interested. The other two questions remain unanswered though. I am willing to budge a little bit on the numbers, maybe a 75-25 split can work, but have decided I must be firm on insisting that I be paid with a large novelty check. Please respond to those two points in your next message.

I am ready and have arranged myself to follow normal banking procedures for perfection. And like you, I can't wait to see the reaction of the bank. You have my highest trust- and more than 100% attention. Like our American professional athletes- I will give 110% for this payoff. Here is the information you requested, aside from a fax number- unfortunately, I do not have a fax machine- but I will soon enough. Get it? Because I'll be so rich, I'll buy one.

Name: skybalon
Age: 66 (March 10, 1940)
Occupation: Ass Kicker
Nationality: Amer'kin
Phone: XXX-XXXX


God bless you, and thanks for thinking of me. But don't forget about my concerns regarding our split and the check. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely
skybalon

YES!! I Am So Rich

Dear Friend skybalon,
 
I'm very happy for your willingness to handle this transaction with me.For your information, every information about the deceased customer are intact, i will direct you on what to do after you apply to the bank, every documents will be issued to you by the bank before the fund will transfer to your account, don't be afraid because this deal is real and i agreed with you let us move ahead.
 
I contacted you to stand as the next of kin to the deceased customer and stand as the cousin so that the bank will release the fund to your name and move it to your private account in your country or any country you know that will be safe because it's God who directed me to you, I want you to please keep this transaction confidential until this fund get into your account.
 
Like I told you in my proposal that one of our deceased customer left this fund in our bank since almost five years now and no body has ever come for the claim since that time, that's why I have decided to contact you as a foreign partner to solidly stand on the claim as the next of kin so that the money will be transfer to your private account because the bank want to move the money into banking treasurer as unclaimed fund after five years which the five years will complete by ending of this year, please i don't want this money to enter into bank treasurer because i believe that this is the only opportunity God give me in the position i have in the bank. So i wouldn't like to lose it.
 
You must be ready and arrange your self because we must follow the normal banking process to perfect the smooth transfer of the fund to your account. I want the fund to be transferred to your account within (10 working days) I contacted you because i am not capable of handling this deal alone. Be rest assured that this deal is 100% risk-free. I promised to use my position in the bank to perfect the smooth transfer of the fund direct to your account after approval.
 
I have all information about the deceased customer all you have to do is to apply to the bank as the next of kin then let's see the reaction of the bank. I will send the application form to you which you will fill and apply direct to bank as soon as i receive your positive answer. I demand the highest trust from you and 100% attention to enable us get the money without any funther delay.
 
Meanwhile, Send to me your personal information's like, your name in full,Age,Nationality, Occupation, your private Telephone and Fax numbers also your personal picture photograph to enable me know whom I’m dealing with.
 
I am Looking forward to hear from you.
Dr Samailla.
+226 7657 5118

I'm Blogtarded

The internets and the type of communication it can foster seem sometimes duplicitous. Aside from hiding behind anonymous or false identities, we also say things that we know are not true. If I were ever to say LOL- I bet I would not actually be LingOL. Those of you that do use that particular expression I am sure are more often than not lying.

But here is something that did make me laugh out loud, and spit powdered sugar and filo crust on my lap and keyboard at the same time.

Sorry, you may have to watch a commercial to see it.

So the internets foster deception, and now that I think about, have us waste time making and watching things like this.

Everything's Coming Up Skybaloncont'd

Dear Dr. SAMAILLA NUHU
I am glad to hear from you, but I should say, I am not surprised at all. I have just finished reading the Prayer of Jabez and knew that something to "enlarge my territory" was bound to come my way.

It's curious that the Burkina Faso Chamber of Commerce would have my email address or that any of my kin would have been killed in Liberia, but we know the Lord works in mysterious ways.

I am very eager to participate in this transfer of funds but wonder why I only get 45% of the 25.6 million. It seems that I deserve more, especially since this is an answer to prayer and I am an American. I don't mean that I deserve more simply because I am an American. You should know, that the $6,000,000 or so I would receive after taxes is hardly worth anything in my country. I understand that from your perspective this might seem like a large sum. Well, I am happy to tell you it isn't. I could hardly achieve the measure of life and largesse I see out my window with only $6,000,000. A house alone could eat up more than half of that. It seems only fair then, that I get a larger percentage, perhaps as much as 85%.

Before you say, "No," consider how much 15% is worth to you given your country's per capita GDP. I bet nearly $4,000,000 for you would go further in Burkina Faso than the $7,000,000 for me in Southern California. I could try to explain the vagaries of our global economy or the "dollar a day" rule of my purchasing power versus yours, but I'm afraid there is just no real way for you to relate to such wealth. Let's just say the split you suggest is untenable. It's another one of those divine mysteries.

So, yes. Let's split that money, but before we do I have a few questions I hope you can answer:
1.) I am confused, am I really the next of kin or are we pretending I am the next of kin (wink)?
2.) Do you agree to the 85-15 split I suggested?
3.) Can we arrange that I be paid with one of those big foam-core novelty checks?

I apologize for taking so long to get back to you. Thank you for being an answer to prayer; I look forward to you answering my questions and me sending whatever sensitive information you request.

Sincerely
-skybalon

Everything's Coming Up Skybalon

From : DR SAMAILLA NUHU
Reply-To : drsnuhu1980@yahoo.fr
Sent : Saturday, October 14, 2006 4:03 PM
Subject : REPLY BACK IMMEDIATELY.

Dear Friend,

(I am DR SAMAILLA NUHU, From Ouagadougou Burkina Faso) I know that this letter may come to you as a surprise.I got your address through Burkina Faso chambers and commerce.I must apologise for taking some of your valuable time to explain a proposal, that I believe will be of utmost benefit to us. I need your help and urgent assistance in transfering the sum of $25,600 000.00 USD(Twentyfive Million,Six Hundred Thousand US Dollars)to your account immediately, the fund belongs to one of our foreign customer who died along with his surposed next of kin in a war zone liberia on 15/6/2001.

Our bank banking law and guideline stipulated that if such money remains unclaimed after five years the money will be transfered into the bank treasurere as unclaimed fund. The request of a foreigner to be next of kin in this business is occassioned by the fact that the deceased customer was a
foreigner and a Burkinabe cannot stand as next of kin to make this type of claim.

The five years will complete by ending of this year,that is why I as a worker in my department want to release the money to you as the nearest person to the deceased for safety and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for the claim because I don't want the fund to be transferred into Bank treasurere as unclaimed fund. I will give you 40% of the total sum for the provision of foreign account and 55%will be for me while 5% will be set aside for any mislenious expenses incurred during the business.

This transaction is 100% risk-free on both side and has no atom of negativity,for I have made all the required arrangement for the transfer of this fund to your account. Please I would like you to keep this transaction very confidential as you may wish to know that i am a Bank officer.

I will send you more details as soon as i get a positive reply from you.
DR SAMAILLA NUHU.
(Bill and Exhange Manager)

What The Hell Is Wrong With Us?

Really.

The title is not rhetorical. What better day to ask that than today? Well, I guess if you don't ask today, you still have tomorrow. But I wouldn't take it for granted. So how about today? What the hell is wrong with us? I can think of two things: pretending we're good and apologizing rather than repenting when we can no longer pretend. Oh I'm sure that's not all- but I bet confessing those two things would go a long way in clearing the brush towards others.

If you live under a rock, or are someone who avoids the media because you are too cool for TV or figure avoiding the media somehow preserves your soul (what are you doing reading this?) you may not know that a Florida Congressman has resigned amid evidence of sexually harassing (at least) children participating in the Congressional Page program. Now you know. There, you still get to live under a rock and stay cool (though reading my interblog is very not cool), however, I cannot speak to the purity of your soul. But at least you know.

I've heard a couple of people, almost gleefully, point out the irony of a man so wrapped up in issues of combatting pedophilia himself being caught as a pedophile. I'm sure that is ironic- or maybe "justice of the unicorn." But I don't know that the irony matters all that much- especially if pointing out the irony is some veiled way of saying "See, nobody should tell anybody else that 'such and such' is bad."

There does seem to be a weird phenomenon of people harping on that which is secretly killing them- I may secretly be struggling with being a closet Republican. Perhaps. That's something, but not what I particularly care about right now. Right now it's those other things that stand out to me.

At first, Mark Foley said questions about his emails and relationships with pages were part of a despicable and desperate attack by his opponent. Of course, as is the case in many instances of sexual assault, upon hearing the news, other victims felt emboldened to speak when they realized they weren't alone and someone else could go to bat for them. So more kids did come forward and Foley resigned. Foley resigned, offered a vague apology and said he has checked himself into rehab. That's great if he's an alcoholic, but what does that have to do with harassing Congressional pages? If I get drunk, I start talking too loud.

He's not the first alcoholic so that's a lame defense. Unless of course every alcoholic is also a sexual predator (just so you know- they're not). The move seems to be made for locating the responsibility for who and what he is somewhere other than with him- it's the booze. Even that doesn't understand what is at the core of 12 Step style rehabs- you're the problem- not the booze.

Where do we get this idea that bad actions somehow originate from someone other than our selves? Oh, that's silly, I have an idea of its origin. But I wish we could stop being confused about what it is to be good. I'm a good person, I just happened to use my position of power to stalk children, I'm a good person, I just bully the one person of color in the room, I'm a good person, I just lie a lot. And when finally caught- we have some sort of defense to offer: I was drunk, I didn't know a confederate flag meant that, I'm protecting your family, Matt. We offer an apology; not repentance.

The other thing is, it seems that many people in power knew Mark Foley was the Congressman to avoid in the page program. It seems that there is an understanding that there are a few congress-people you don't want to serve under. But for the sake of covering your own- or at least your party's- ass, people looked the other way. For the sake of team spirit, people looked the other way while who knows what was/is going on. For the sake of team spirit we call torture interrogation (ha ha I threw it in).

Again that horrible sensibility has reared its head: when we do it, it's okay; and if it's too horrible to even pretend it's not, then we'll just look the other way or give it another name.

So there we go. How's your soul? How is our soul? How's my heavy handed harangue? Ohh, how's my alliteration?

Oh, and Reading won.

If I Wasn't Upset Before... I Have a Bill Moyers Interview In My Podcast Queue
Something -The Beatles
The 59th Street Bridge -Simon and Garfunkle
Oye Como Va -Tito Puente
I'll Be Your Baby -Bob Dylan
Black Math -The White Stripes
I Like Food -Descendants
London Calling -The Clash
Flamenco Sketches -Miles Davis