Shine On You Crazy Diamond

About five in the morning in mid-November, the Qweenbean woke me up shaking a positive pregnancy test in my face. I couldn't say how other people would respond to that. I know that there is probably a popular conception of what that moment should be like- a young couple, eager, hopeful, white, in a silk-lit bathroom, the chorus of We've only Just Begun swelling in the background...

That sounds nice.

This was not that. It was dark, cold, and my wife was waving a peed-on stick in my face. She was reluctant to buy a pregnancy test at all because they had become reminders of what wasn't, or the first step down a path we didn't want to walk: guarded optimism followed by nostalgia for things that would never be.

So it was positive. She was hardly looking forward to being sad, but it was positive and it had been some time since we'd had a positive pregnancy test. This was difficult.

I think it's supposed to be crazy that a couple wanting to be pregnant would look at a pregnancy with angst but that's how it was. And even now, with the congratulations from others and the excitement I feel, I don't want my happiness to be exclusive or oppressive.

I'm a downer. Don't invite me to any parties.

I know what it is to be on the other end of "When are you going to have kids," "Being a parent is the best thing in the world," "You'll understand when you have a baby" comments, let alone certain Christian claims that women are nothing if they are not mothers or men must fulfill their divinely instituted nature by fathering many babies, sex is for reproduction, humans are not whole unless they are doing it (and all that's attached to that).

I must be clear. I can not put into words the happiness I feel with the looming baby, but it is not for me. I mean, you should punch me in the mouth if I say this is an answer to prayer, that I am blessed, that this is right, that I am what is supposed to be and your difference from me is your mark. However, should I live in a way that demonstrates gratefulness, joy, hope for the future- don't punch me in the mouth.

Again, I'm a total drag, but you could think of it this way: I'm only a total drag because I care about actually existing.

Does that even make sense?