Hat Trick

I am regularly struck (along with frequent headaches) with this realization that I am in a uniquely privileged situation, however once this occurs to me, I immediately discount it by saying how ill prepared I am to be in this unique situation, yet if that were true, I would not be in this situation, but I know me, and there is nothing about me that warrants the privilege I enjoy... I started the first course of my PhD coursework today. I am uneasy. I don't know how much of this stems from some trepidation about starting a task few begin, let alone finish, or feeling ill prepared for the task ahead. On the surface that would seem to be the case, but I know me, and no matter that I am seldom prepared for anything I typically jump in whole hog. And I know I am not that humble; there is more to this recurring thought than a little worry about a lot of work.
For good or bad, I am now a part of the tradition that treats religion as an object of study rather than a life to be lived. I am moving further from the outside and into the secret places where men in long robes and funny hats discuss the outside world in abstract and theoretical terms. I am building my cloister in the ivory tower; I am becoming "the man." When I first realized this I was so aghast I dropped my monocle into my brandy.
I am moving easily into this new role which suggests to me, this is always who I was. I have been an elitist. My criticisms of church culture aren't rooted in a deep desire for the church's purity. They are snobbery; evidence of my disdain for other's sincerity or purity of heart. Like my taste in books, music and movies, it's just another pretense; I find Armageddon hackneyed and shallow, for others, it's the greatest movie ever or a conception that motivates them to live their life with an intense urgency and passion for evangelism.
I'm just being dramatic. I am concerned about school. I don't want to fail, I don't want to be an egghead. I am concerned about seeming pretentious.
But contrast all that with this story: I work at Starbucks. This is my first year not teaching, and I don't like it. Starbucks is a fine little job. I am paid well and get benefits, but I really miss teaching and all it entails. In any case I wake up yesterday morning and am so tired I get completely dressed for work and briefly go back to bed. I get up again, go to splash water on face, and am disgusted by the old man wearing a Starbucks hat staring back at me from the mirror. Well- I guess I'm not old, but definitely too old to be wearing a hat with a foodservice logo on it to work.
I guess I'm not really at risk for becoming a snob.
One last thing... have you seen this heartwarming story?