A Trick of The Light

The fig does not blossom, nor is there fruit on the vines
The produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food
The flock is cut off from the fold and there is no herd in the stalls
Yet I will rejoice in the LORD
I will joy in the God of my salvation

I was on Jeopardy. I lost- well, as Cyndi would remind me, I came in second place. Initially I was on a role. I wagered everything on the Daily Double, missed it and couldn't recover. I kick myself for the mistakes I made that I think led to me missing the question. This picture was taken just after I was not able to guess what the NE in Necco candies stands for. I know now- if you tell me again I will delete your comment.



When I received this picture in the mail I opened it and immediately thought, "Holy crap! That's my brother." My brother and I look very similar but I can tell us apart. It's not the physical similarities that struck me.

I am not happy in this picture. I am beaten, rattled, resigned to defeat. Even as I need to put on a bit of a show, that face is all I can muster. Even with the encouraging words of Alex Trebek, "That was a bold move, my friend," I can't manage more than this crestfallen vacancy. That's my brother.

He is in jail right now- for violating his probation, which he was on for selling drugs. But even before that, even behind a smile, he had this look.

He doesn't know what life is and I don't know how to show him. At least I don't think i know how to show him.

I visited him Sunday, he's looking worse than the last time I visited him, which was a while ago, but better than one might expect. I don't know what this means and I don't know what he needs. I mean, I know he needs to change, but I don't know how this happens for him. He wants to reserve for himself the right to make the same mistakes in the future that he did in the past. As bad as his situation is, he seems to think if he makes any kind of changes he is precluding what he enjoys from his future. He is committed, or at least he has been, to his sin, not just specific actions, but he is committed to this condition that he thinks is life. He thinks that emptiness should always be, that he should always look that lost.

I don't believe a changed heart comes simply from changing actions, but I also don't believe our actions are so separate from our intentions that a change in direction will not have an eventual influence on our internal condition. I know that's tenuous; I do believe that a changed heart comes from our old selves dying through a real encounter with Christ and that can happen a number of ways. If someone else is willing to concede that this may happen by engaging in particular "good" actions, I will concede that it may happen when someone hears a particular verse or says "the sinner's prayer." Actually, as I write that, I see less division than I feel there is. In any case, I don't know what to do for my brother.

I don't pray enough for him. I don't pray that he be burdened and broken by God's Spirit. I don't pray that whatever knowledge he has increases. I don't know how to show him what's right in front of his face.

This is connected to other things, other things I want to share but have to leave for another time.

So I'll say it again-
The fig does not blossom, nor is there fruit on the vines
The produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food
The flock is cut off from the fold and there is no herd in the stalls
Yet I will rejoice in the LORD
I will joy in the God of my salvation

For as many songs as I have- I seem to be hearing the same things too frequently
Turn to Stone- ELO
Kicked in the Taco-Frank Black
Are We the Waiting-Green Day
At Least That's What You Said-Wilco (this song rules)
Eleanor Rigby-The Beatles
War-Edwin Starr
In The Cold, Cold Night-The White Stripes
War Within A Breath-Rage Against The Machine
Down By the Riverside-Sister Rosetta Tharpe
All Along the Watchtower-BobDylan
Spoonful-Howlin' Wolf
Carlos Don't Let it Go To Your Head-Pete Yorn
Dracula-Gorillaz
Skanky Panky-Kid Koala
I've Got To See You Again-Norah Jones
We Live Again-Beck
Must Be Wrong-The Rentals
Thru The Eyes of Ruby-Smashing Pumpkins

...One More Thing

Bear in mind I say this as a Southern California male Latino with a black truck: why can't the stinkin' Raiders win a game?! They were sooo close in Philadelphia, but close games are just a failure to work hard enough to win, and this past Sunday was perfect evidence of that- ugh giving up a field goal. Whatever- the team is burdened with a losing mentality. There is a difference between losing and being beat- and the Raiders keep losing.

It Begins

A friend of mine just asked me if I would like to help coach his son's soccer team. I don't know if I will. I keep saying this, because it keeps being true: I am very busy. So coaching, as fun as it may be, might be out of the question. Plus, I only have room for so much disappointment in my life; if this isn't a very good team I would have to try harder to find success in other areas. That's not likely unless I find time for video games. So I'm right back where I started.

As I said, I was at a peace demonstration this weekend. I also went to the Los Angeles Dream Center. Oh- and I sold out too. I had a full Saturday.

Let's begin at the Dream Center. There were some parallel streams developing in our congregation that culminated in our discovering it was necessary to serve people that live in small clusters of neglect in Glendora.

Glendora is a very affluent suburb of Pasadena (which I suppose is itself a suburb of Los Angeles). It rests at the foothills that make up the Northern wall of the San Gabriel valley. There are a lot of SUV's here (you'd probably only see as many Hummers in a 50 Cent video). Bush-Cheney stickers, yellow ribbons, and Mormons are also regularly sighted. What we don't have a lot of are open spaces (I don't count the undeveloped foothills as open spaces- they don't seem to exist for public use; access to them is only a priority when someone wants to build bigger and more ostentatious mansions), down town life, or liquor stores. The few liquor stores we do have are primarily concentrated, with a couple of bars thrown in for good measure, along a 1.5 mile strip of Route 66 that also has an inordinate amount of trailer parks, long stay hotels, and apartments. These places caught my attention because of how distinct they are and how well hidden. They are disguised by ivy-covered or stuccoed walls, hidden from street view by strip malls, or situated among businesses so that if you're not looking you don't realize you just drove by people's homes. At least I didn't realize I was driving by people's homes.

We have a mission, of sorts, in our congregation. We talk about reaching the 600 or so homes surrounding our facility and we do little "outreach" things to invite them to church or let them know we exist, but within walking distance of our building- literally right around the corner is one of these hidden residences. I know everyone has needs, but some people want to keep them hidden. That's kind of the point of suburbs: hiding need and displaying success. We do that as individuals and it looks like Glendora does it as a town.

Anyway, the converging streams- so I'm wondering why we're not serving them, someone else is wondering why we're not preaching good news to the poor, someone else is looking for a way to bring what they've learned on short term missions trips home, another is praying for ways to "stretch their faith," so I took my pastor and associate pastor on a field trip to these places to see what we might be able to do. And it turns out this is where our streams meet. We're just going to bite the Dream Center's rhymes. They have what they call their "Adopt-a-Block" program. I did something like it in college and I guess I'm going to do something like it again. We wanted to see a model of it and get a feel for how we might translate it to what we're looking to do.

If you've read a couple of my posts, you may have gotten the sense that I am a bit cynical, but I am genuinely excited about this. I was deeply moved and troubled by my experience with the Dream Center kids I went about with. I was moved by how easy it was to pray with strangers and how quickly some people will acknowledge their desperate need for God's intervention when sin is so clearly around them. I was troubled by how that need is so easily denied by what we've come to think is normal and how real and subtle our idols are.

Then I went to the downtown peace march coinciding with the march on the White House. Logical cohesion and good grammar were rare but I will share more of this later.

I will tell you now though how I sold out. I got a cell phone. The only other time I had one was when I was briefly "homeless" in college. I thought I would be able to fight off cell phone ownership until I died, but even as I type I have one in my pocket. Drag.

Evening Playlist:
Classical Homework Medley

It's This or Hegel

I was at the downtown (L.A.) peace march this past weekend. I will have more to say about that and some pictures to post later. In the meantime, these are the types of things distracting me from homework:

-Things I overheard in a coffee shop-
Kevin was small framed and probably younger than his appearance suggested. He had the short "preemptive" haircut popular with many men fighting a receding hairline and rested his elbows on his knees when he talked so that his forehead rested inches above the table top when he listened to his grandmother or, when he was looking up to talk, framed his head against his shoulders to give him a sort of plaintive and entreating look.
Grandma wore blue polyester slacks, a floral print smock, glasses at her chest, and had a cane leaning against her chair. She sat upright and leaned back slightly when she began to speak but slowly moved forward and closer to Kevin while his head was down.

Kevin-You know gramma, about the drinking- it’s not the drinking, I mean it’s not the liquor it’s the anger- I mean my anger and my alcohol it just doesn’t mix- if I put the alcohol aside I still have my anger- you know? I wanna chill down but its from my mom- or I dunno where I got it from- but it’s not the alcohol I thought about it the whole week- I mean calling you at the hotel- or when I called you it wasn't 'cos I was drinking- or I mean I got more angry cos I was drinking- but I was out of control 'cos I’m angry. It was uncalled for-

G-Ma-I know it was uncalled for

K-And that’s what makes me feel worse cos it was a special day

G-I know it was a special day. And I’m glad you didn’t know Susan had borrowed the car because it would have made you angrier...

Occupado, man. With this:
An outlook toward the future in which the "spiritual life" is saved and the economic life is left unsaved is both unchristian and stupid.
Walter Rauschenbush
A Theology for the Social Gospel

Big Baby I

For whatever reason (and whatever that reason may be will be discussed further at a later date) my wife and I cannot have a baby. Cyndi has had two confirmed miscarriages. I say confirmed because I guess women may miscarry without knowing they were pregnant. It turns out it is quite common. In fact, considering the odds and obstacles against it, that any woman ever gets pregnant at all is pretty miraculous. So ever since her second miscarriage she has not been able to get pregnant.

One thing this does is make me angry. I get especially angry when I see people who are not married with babies, I get angry at people in bad marriages who seem to have children as accessories to some vision of success. I get angry at whatever I don't know about myself that is keeping Cyndi from getting pregnant. I get angry that no furniture store owner has seven babies so I can steal one.

I was angry at a pregnant lady. She was a friend of a friend who has a horrible husband who is judging from all evidence cheating on her. They already have one child on whom they've loaded enough baggage for three childhoods and I can't imagine what is in store for the next. I'm not just angry at what I see as a general unfairness but actually angry at someone who gets pregnant in those circumstances. Or, actually, I am angry at the two of them not just her. This all seems very immature on my part.

It also makes me have second thoughts about adopting kids- well maybe not second thoughts. But it makes me concerned. Cyndi and I wanted to adopt children, I guess we still do- no, I know we still do. But does the fact that we can't have biological children change the dynamic? Does the fact that I even wonder that mean I am not suited to adopting children? Does the fact that I get angry at anyone being pregnant mean I am not suited to parenthood at all? How could that be? I mean my parents had children? Maybe ignorance is more of a prerequisite than is self reflection.

Not much time for writing tonight. I have a lot of reading to catch up on and need to go to bed early.

No random playlist tonight- just listening to Ben Folds Five.

HOLY CRAP, I'M WANTED FOR MURDER!!

I just did a Google Blog search with my name and it turns out another Robert Gonzalez murdered someone (allegedly) in Rancho Cucamonga with one Kathryn Medina. That's a bit too close to home to think something bad won't ever come of it.

Loving Republicans: For He is Kind to The Ungrateful and The Selfish

So I mentioned I'm not too into blaming any single person for the miserable anticipation and response that surrounded hurricane Katrina. It's not only typical of how poor people in the US are treated, I think it's a function of bureaucracy. Now notice I say a function and not the function. And if you infer from that statement that I mean it is purposeful you are right.

Firstly, as fun as some of them may be, I tend to not believe in conspiracy theories- especially those that involve complex nefarious government plots. Have you ever been to the DMV, or had mail lost, or tried to see the registrar at a public university? Bureaucracy tends away from simplicity of execution (and one thing most conspiracy theories require is a clear vision and manipulation of these various levels of power). It was largely the multiple levels of government and responsibility that contributed to horrible preparation and coordination in anticipation of Katrina, and the same that led to the ball-dropping and buck-passing in response. It would be convenient to identify one person as responsible, and it is a noble leader who can say the buck does indeed stop with them (Where are you now Harry Truman?- Oh right decomposing) but that is not representative of how our government works. Ideally, under attentive leadership and a participating citizenry, the redundancy of systems and the scale of the Federal government would allow for a better response to, not just Katrina, but various concerns of industrial society. But in actuality, it seems the diffusion of responsibility and decision making make this more difficult when you mix in apathy and self-interest. Add evil to that and you have situations wherein individuals can use the system to work plots or events to their advantage: win contracts, ignore looming problems, identify scapegoats, eliminate opponents, blah blah blah. And all the while, those without power are wihtout power.

Anyway, I say this as background. I mentioned that I was bothered that my dad is a Republican. That really should be qualified. I live in Glendora and taught in a private school- I know lots of Republicans- and that fact alone does not bother me. I love a lot of Republicans. I appreciate political differences, I think they are necessary for a world that doesn't know Jesus. The resulting tension between them can keep power decentralized and prevent any one entity from dominating the landscape (of course this requires viable opposing groups- not just opposition in name). I don't think it is the place of the Body of Christ to hitch their ponies to any of their wagons but to oppose them and live truthfully. After all, any worldly power has worldly power in mind; so even if the parties (as generically understood) keep each other in check they still do not serve Christ. So it's not the job of the Church to elect any particular party to office but to force them to be honest.

So my dad... So my dad sent me a forward. He (or his wife- they share an address) sends me a lot of forwards. He is a chaplain for a state agency, so a lot of them have to do with praying for such and such a thing. This last forward he sent was not about an injured police officer nor about what this state agency may be doing to help out hurricane victims. It was about what we said we don't want to play- the blame game. (scroll down in the links for transcripts of press-press secretary dialogue) It was a forward including an AP picture of flooded buses in New Orleans with the accompanying explanation that it wasn't the president who failed- in fact the federal government is doing an amazing job, vacations, ignorance, and withholding orders to send in troops notwithstanding. It was whoever happens to be a Democrat that is to blame- "them." The "them" that relies too much on the Feds for assistance, the "them" that waits for a handout instead of taking initiative, the "them" that only knows how to play the blame game.

I know these arguments are out there. I know a lot of people, in trying times, do what is most comforting to them (it's funny for how many people what is most comfortable to them is blaming Bill Clinton) and turn responsibility from themselves. But I didn't want them to come from people I figured knew better.

I know he and I don't see things similarly nor will we likely ever vote for the same person. That is not as discouraging as knowing that this forward sent to me was little more than political hackery. It's one thing to favor one politician over another, it's quite another thing to give yourself over as a political stooge, and that's what this is/was. It is what so much of the church does and it was very disheartening to see my dad (or his wife using their joint account) engage in it.
Maybe you could say it is keeping the people that want to blame the Federal government about the Katrina response honest, except that it isn't. The information in the forward is not accurate and ignores many of the facts that reveal the culpability of the federal level. Like I said, everyone is to blame. This forward was not about sharing responsibility but more of the buck passing and excuse making that accompanies being a shill. Anytime I see the members of the church buy into what the whore is selling, whether it's on the Left or Right, I am bothered. It was just extra troubling to have it so close to home.
It didn't help that I was so physically exhausted too. I was sleeping-on-my-feet tired. When I read the forward I was deeply discouraged. Later, I stood in the shower thinking about it, just letting the water hit me, wondering why he thought it necessary to send that to me as much as why I was being such a baby about it.

Anyway, this is better than sending forwards or crying about what you find in your inbox. Really, go here. Do it. Or even here.

What did we hear this morning?
Wednesday Prayer Meeting- Charles Mingus
Judy Is a Punk-The Ramones
Fitter Happier-Radiohead
Politician-Cream
Sweet Leaf-Black Sabbath
Come Dancing-The Kinks
Smart Patrol/Mr. DNA-Devo
Just A Gigolo-Louis Prima
Something In The Way-Nirvana
The Meaning of the Blues-Miles Davis
(great transition)
Hang On To Yourself-David Bowie
Get Up On The Downstroke-Parliament
I've Been Loving You to Long-Otis Redding
Climbing Up The Walls-Smashing Pumpkins
Deep Concentration-Lyrics Born
Folsom Prison Blues-Johnny Cash

I know I probably can, but I wonder how I could make it so you hear the songs as you read.

Hey I'm Back

Hola, amigos, I know it's been a while since I rapped at you. I know, I know, it's a bit inside.
One of the reasons I started doing this was to try to discipline myself to write something that wasn't related to school. I mean non-academic writing. I failed that this last week. I failed horribly. I sort of need to be aggressively academic so I can increase my "marketability." That just means I need to do really well in school- obsessively well so in the long run I can get a teaching gig. In the short run I miss a lot of sleep, TV watching opportunities, and don't do much personal writing. Of the three, right now, perhaps I miss TV most- the Emmys were just on celebrating the brightest starts of our TV galaxy, making clear what a horrible darkness I have sent myself to.
Some people say that the condition of your home is evidence of what is going on with you internally. So here is an emotional/psychological inventory via a description of our dining room. (Which also serves as our living room, library, and family room.) Our dining room table is about 3 feet wide by six feet long. It is covered with Cyndi's and my school books and book bags. There are two packages of cookies- open, stale, and half-gone, a very realistic looking air soft pellet gun modeled after a 9mm Beretta, a handheld 1,000,000 candle power flashlight functioning as a bookrest, a Claremont Colleges Express Checkout Library receipt, a 2x2x2.5 plastic box of Fall seasonal decorations, a TV remote control, gum wrappers, a Latin dictionary, a set of nail clippers, a Barnes and Noble invoice, two empty drinking glasses- one on a coaster, bottle caps, take out food packaging, a domed glass cake platter, Aland's Greek New Testament, folded laundry- whites, a Dictionary of Philosophy and Religion, a carved ironwood sea turtle, a copy of Hegel's Phenomenology, a commentary on the same, two plastic shopping bags of cake decorating supplies, a 15 inch PowerBook running iTunes- playing Universal Traveler by Air, a beanie put on my head by a student at camp and never returned, and my left forearm.
There has been a lot I wanted to write about but I just haven't had the time. I had a bit of a breakdown because my dad is a Republican. It's more involved than that, but embarrassingly that's what it comes to. I got angry at a pregnant lady. And I've really wanted to write what I've been thinking about judgment and punishment in conversation with dbravo and kind of how I see it in my life.
So I am trying to follow some type of schedule so that I'll have the opportunity to write, do all the reading and writing I need to do for school, spend time with Cyndi, see friends, etc...

Blue Moon

While in college, once, in the dining commons, I was sitting within earshot of a small cluster of underclassmen who were giving one of their own a hard time about being a vegetarian. She seemed uncomfortable and one of her companions in particular was especially aggressive in verbalizing his opinions on the matter. I am not a passive eavesdropper and I don't like to see people gang up on anyone so I mentioned to him some of the reasons one might want to be a vegetarian.
I had cut meat right out of my diet because I lack discipline. I was eating over a pound of meat a day simply because it was available. Bacon, sausage- of all types, hamburgers, , meatball sandwiches, lots of chicken, if it bled at one time, I was eating it in- large amounts, artery clogging, colon blocking, putrifying amounts. So I stopped. Except for Buffalo wings, I kept eating those.
In any event, I explained to her friend the differences in the digestive systems of herbivores and carnivores, the effects of meats in animals with relatively long guts, the way different components of our alimentary tracts are designed to absorb different types of nutrients from different sources, the efficiency of energy transfer from plant matter both in production and consumption, the way humans can get everything they need from a vegetarian diet and just the subjective "better feeling" one gets from eating a lot of vegetables.
His response: "No it's not." Hard to argue with that.
Dbravo on the other hand gives us a good example of the kind of discussions that are possible between thoughtful people who care about their subject even if they see things differently. I move the discussion form the comment section to the main becuae it's interresting and may be related to something else I'll want to write.
I mention that there is an immediate and ultimate consequence of sin. I don't just mean the consequence of sin completely corrupting the image of God in humanity or the effect of that on the world. I mean the immediate consequence a sin and the condition of sin has in one's life (even if that consequence or condition is not readily "reaped" or known) and ultimately the eternal separation from God and a final judgment. There may be other consequences as well, but we should be cautious. It is difficult to see the causal relationship between a sin perceived and its assumed consequence.
More important, we need to recognize sin as a conditon, more than (or maybe as much as) a specific act. One is already punished for sin, one is already dead unless alive in Christ. I don't see punishment as having ended, but I see it more broadly- the wages of sin is always death and that always is. Does this preclude any other type of consequence for a given sin? I don't think so. Does God still punish? Sure, but what does that look like? And, is that judgment? To that question I would say, "Not entirely so;" we need to recognize that judgment in light of Christ means something else.
Our use of judgment describing a given event as evidence of God's judgment is mistaken. Of course being able to impose a penalty implies that a judgment or decision has been made, but punishment does not have the value that judgment has. Punishment is punitive, whereas judgment is restorative. Though a decision must be made for judgment to be implied, such a decision already has been made. The standard of God and the measure of man are already known. So the death of Christ is judgment because it shows the adherence to the law and the restorative potential of judgment. To be clear, punishment and judgment are separate even if related.
I use the Peterson episode to make the point that it seems we think punishment is the point of judgment and at the same time suggest that we often look for punishment to do some type of completing action that it cannot do.
As for the end- it's coming and it seems the destruction of evil in the final judgment has both punitive and restorative qualities.
I don't want us to think that God neither punishes nor that anything that happens is not punishment. I just need to understand what punishment is and be slow to identify who is responsible for what I think is judgment. Remember, this is in the context of my struggling to understand the apparent rise of Islam as a foil to the condition of the Western church. This could be a convenient read, but I don't think a faithful one.

Evening Playlist
Cover Me- Bjork
Tell Her Tonight-Franz Ferdinand
Murray-Pete Yorn
The Long And Winding Road-The Beatles
Lady Sings the Blues-Billie Holiday
Where I End and You Begin-Radiohead
Take the A Train-Duke Ellington
Iron Man-Black Sabbath
We're Not Gonna Take It-The Who
Stella By Starlight-Dizzy Gillespie
Prophets of Rage-Public Enemy
Morning Has Broken-Cat Stevens
Nimrod's Son-The PIxies
Come Into My Life-Jimmy Cliff
Smells LIke Teen Spirit-Nirvana
Mr. Soul-Buffalo Springfield
Comfort Eagle-Cake
Soul Suckin Jerk-Beck
It's the Sun-Polyphonic Spree
Keep Your Eyes on the Prize-Pete Seeger
Mars, THe Bringer of War-Gustav Holst

This Is My Costume

I deleted three comments from a couple of posts. The message "This post has been removed by the blog administrator," seems very pregnant. Why was it removed, was it offensive, did someone hurt your feelings, could you not believe what they said? They were just ads. One ad was for "penis pills." I'm not sure if they were made of or for. Another was for carpet cleaning stuff and I can't remember the third. Now I've had to resort to word verification to avoid anymore commercials. I mean really- commercials on the internet.

I also received my first comment from an "unfamiliar." I think I could guess what she's trying to get at but I won't. In any case I think it kinda' misses the point of my post.

I worked (opened) everyday this week except for Thursday. This means I'm averaging about four hours of sleep a night.

Coming Soon: Complaints and Lamentations About Infertility

Blog logistics and post play list:
Groovy Situation- Gene Chandler
Cry Baby Cry- The Beatles
Evil Hearted You-The Pixies
Flamenco Sketches-Miles Davis

Something In The Water

So my blog is no longer anonymous. In reality it never was. I'm sure anybody who read it certainly did so because I mentioned it to them. But now my name and face are attached. I ultimately don't know if that's an improvement, but Katelyn's forehead is a nice touch.

So there it goes. The debate surrounding the aftermath of Katrina is whether it's "holding those responsible accountable" or "finger pointing/the blame game." Not many words in the mainstream about it being evidence of a systemic problem. Not many people thinking it odd that the richest nation on earth would have so many poor people, or that this is how they are treated. There is this:
"To be poor in America was to be invisible, but not after this week, not after those images of the bedraggled masses at the Superdome, convention center and airport. No one can claim that the post-Reagan orthodoxy of low taxes and small government, which does wonders for the extremely rich, also inevitably does wonders for the extremely poor. What was that about a rising tide lifting all boats? What if you don't have a boat?"

- Eugene Robinson, columnist.
Washington Post via Sojomail.

The thing about being invisible though, if you're eventually seen, you're a novelty more than a person.

Sojomail also has an editorial in which Jim Wallis mentions the providence of this media coverage coinciding with the recent Census report on the 4th annual increase in the poverty rate. He doesn't seem very upset about the latter though. Who am I to say he's getting soft- I live in in Glendora. But there is no mention of the arbitrary nature of the poverty line. He doesn't mention that the poverty threshold is an unrealistic number set by politicians who have no interest in realistically representing the number of poor people in the US. It does not account for differences in health care costs. It doesn't reflect the needs of a family that might have two working adults contributing to the gross income of the household but creating unrepresented needs and expenses. And that whole issue of it being a measure of gross income doesn't account for the effect government policies will have on net income- like the cost of higher education increasing because of diminishing funding or the increase in rent or fuel costs because of housing and energy policies. (Ugh that's wonky). I am not bad mouthing Jim Wallis. It just seems that used to be the kind of thing that would get him going.

Cyndi is adjusting to teaching in public high school after five years of private. I don't want to say anything that might misrepresent how she really thinks about the situation, but she has mentioned some challenges. I'm adjusting to her not being here and being as busy as I've been. The paychecks should help us adjust though.

This afternoon's playlist:
Maria- Rage Against the MAchine
Train In Vain- The Clash
Good Morning Heartache- Billie Holiday
Church On Sunday- Greenday
No Ordinary Love-Sade
Kiss-Prince
Hang On To Yourself-David Bowie
Don't Change Your Plans-Ben Folds Five

Even If It's a Cool Looking Wagon

I am not at all a fan of the president but I can't hop on the "Blame W for the Horrors in LA" bandwagon any more than I can say the disaster is the fault of transvestites or Girls Gone Wild tapings in New Orleans. There are plenty of things to be critical of in the anticipation and response of the hurricane but to single out the president as somehow solely responsible isn't right. There are a lot of things he could have done differently and better, but that can be said of any number of officials at various levels of government. The fact is, the people hurt most by Katrina were those who had the least opportunities or fewest resources to take advantage of, they are the people who are always overlooked. These are the always forgotten.

There may be some evidence of particular incompetence and callous during this disaster: remaining on vacation while the city floods, directing people to an evacuation facility without resources, providing evacuation transportation after the fact rather than before, being completely unaware of where help is needed, diverting necessary resources to photo-ops, offering "let them eat cake" condolences, but these are not all W's doing.

The president may be an Ivy League Elitist but he is not alone in his contempt for the poor. He is not the only politician who does not consider the policy consequences for the most vulnerable. That's the nature of worldly power and it seems like a distraction to get wrapped up in a discussion of who is most to blame. It is not any individual but rather a devotion to our culture that worships vanity and earthly glory. The powerless were in a horrible situation before the hurricane, now it's worse. It is the challenge of the church- well at least I feel compelled- to not get sucked into a debate of who is to blame, but follow the Biblical and Spiritual mandates to live as the Body of Christ, to love justice and do mercy through the continuing, but underpublicized, disaster that is the fall of humanity.

WARNING: Meandering Melodrama

I think I mentioned some time ago I was struggling with the idea of the great Islamo-Christian War having the effect of purging the church of its imperial Christian taint. It's hard to not think like that. I mean the identification in the West of Christianity with wealth, hairspray and power does need to end, but I don't think it is to be done with violence. It's that last part I need to keep away from me. It's as bad as those voices saying Katrina is a victory for Christians (you know, Muslim militants are saying the same thing). It seems natural and in line with some vague conception of justice wherein bad is punished through violence and those who do wrong are clearly dealt with. Because it comes to us so naturally we should be wary of it. At least I try to be wary of it.

We have a skewed sense of justice if we think Katrina, 9/11, killing bad guys, getting cancer, eating bad fish, allergic reactions, or stubbing your toe are examples of divine justice; that and we're dumb. Every person that died in Katrina was worse than the wealthy who could fly to their vacation homes and avoid the hurricane? Those who stayed behind and are now helping others are morally worse than those who stand by and say they deserved this or they are now better off than they were before. (For you that don't check the links, Barbara Bush offered a "let them eat cake" bit of comfort to the hurricane refugees) .

Remember Scott Peterson? Remember the crowds that cheered when they came back with the death penalty for him?


If it weren’t for the caption you would probably not know that this crowd was cheering the imminent death of a killer. This is typically our sense of justice. This is what we think is right. This is what we're doing if we cheer destruction as God working justice.

These people took time off of work and school to be present. They made their calls, arranged for babysitters and carpools. They woke early, fought for the good spots (near the media), and waited. Some stood in the dark and cold. They made sure they were present for… for what: an announcement; a communal expression that society will not allow this to go unpunished; assent to complicity in Scott Peterson’s death? They came together for the hope for punishment. They hoped for something that looked like justice. They hoped for something that could make right the wrongs so obvious in Scott Peterson’s life. They hoped for some light in the darkness cast by Scott Peterson’s sins, and they cheer the decision made be the jury. I don't think these people would buy tickets to stand on the side lines of New Orleans and cheer death, but they reveal this stripe in them is the same as that in those praising God for the destruction of New Orleans. (If you don't think they're out there, sign up for the Columbia Christians For Life email updates).

Scales are frequently used as symbols for justice. They suggest wrong is made right by applying an equal and opposite force in response to evil or equally applying rule to a decision. One life is taken for another. One who caused suffering incurs an equal degree of suffering. Time is given for money, money is given for pain, a baby is cut in half to satisfy competing claims. We imagine the maintenance of a moral balance in the universe. That makes sense. That seems fair; but it is not satisfying. Justice is not balance. It is not restitution or getting what one deserves. It is not even a fair and even handed decision. If we settle for that understanding we miss what God has done, we miss what God continues to make possible. Justice in light of God has more to do with being made right than being given a fair deal. It is advancing towards wholeness. It is movement towards perfection. It is an advancement that is only possible through Jesus Christ. It is God in Christ making right what seems so wrong in humanity. This crowd cheering the death of a criminal is looking for justice but has settled for revenge. It rejoices at the possibility of Scott Peterson’s death righting sin, but its trust is in despair; it looks forward to death.

I can be a little negative at times, but dig this: this is also a picture of possibility; there is the possibility for hope: not in the faces, not in the cheers for death, not in the demand for retribution, but in the evidence that we yearn for something to make us right. There is the eternal possibility of the divine reaching into despair, the possibility of the blind responding to the light, the possibility of grace restoring what is lost in sin. There is the possibility of God’s love making us right and of us living as a light to the world.

Katrina is not punishment for abortions, transvestites, homosexuality, debauchery, and everything else that happens everywhere else as well as in New Orleans. People don't have to die for justice to be done. God did that.

How Do You Top Fire

I love fire. When I was a kid, a good number of my toys were improved by my applying fire or heat to them: fireworks and flame applied to models for a "used" look, hot needles through GI Joes for bullet holes and scars. Even the concept of fire is great: flames painted on hot rods or motorcycles, Jerry Lee Lewis' Great Balls of Fire, whatever fire it is that has Jimi Hendirx and the Ohio Players all worked up and singing about, the baptism of the Holy Spirit, the fellowship engendering lure of a campfire, (I was thinking of adding this line- "flaming homosexuals are so much more fun than your garden variety"- Is that too much?). Fire rules. Even though I burned a lot of stuff, I am a pyrophile rather than a pyromaniac. (My wife, on the other hand, has started fires in public places- which I think puts her more into the "maniac" category.)
I continue to think fire is great. If any given thing is good, then the application of fire generally improves it. I have used this philosophy in pumpkin carving and belly flop contests, talent shows, and Christmas trees to name a few. A problem, though, is fire is so great, it is difficult to top it. We are having our annual end of the summer barbecue and while it will be good, I don't know if it can be better than last year. Last year we had a bon fire in the yard. That's enough to make it a barbecue for the ages, but later in the evening we also fire walked. That's right, we raked out the coals and walked barefoot across them. How do you beat that? I may have to burn our house down.

The outpouring of charity to those suffering from hurricane Katrina is good. To use a dated phrase- it's a very Christian thing to do. The conditions that contributed to this being such an incredible humanitarian disaster are due in part to a lack of resources being invested among the most vulnerable. Why is charity poured out after a natural disaster easier to come by than working for justice in response to man made disasters?

Cyndi got a new job- hooray!

Gag Me With A Conscience

I haven't thrown up in over 21 years. I don't know why. I've been sick plenty of times (The Love I'm Searching For- The Rentals) and even if I'd thought it might help, I haven't thrown up. There may be something wrong with my pyloric sphincter- I'm no doctor- but I just may be some sort of super human. In any case, this morning I came very close to vomitting.
Since I don't throw up frequently, I don't sympathize easily with people who say they get car or sea sick or claim to have been made nauseous by some intense emotional experience. I tend to think motion sickness is in people's head; if you think you're going to get sick, you're probably right. But as far as intense emotions go, today I felt as close to vomiting as I ever have and I feel a bit guilty about it.
I happened to be in a Starbucks (Come Dancing- The Kinks) this morning. It was as crowded as you might expect a Starbucks to be; I was in line behind four or five other customers and the line quickly grew behind me as well. I am ambivalent towards Starbucks. I work at one. They treat there employees fairly well, they offer benefits to even part time employees, they seek management and corporate administration from within the company. They pay above minimum wage. They're not a bad model for a global corporation either. They go out of there way to engage in fair trade practices, encourage sustainable farming, and sponsor development in the countries from which they get their coffees. They encourage and make it possible for their employees to be involved in their communities and they make a lot of in kind and monetary donations to various charities. So, you know, they're not that bad. In fact, they show that it is possible to treat people well and be profitable. But on the other hand, they are homogenizing. Smaller entities cannot compete with Starbucks. (Daria- Cake) Businesses always fail, there may not be anything wrong with that per se, but sometimes the specific character of a place is lost when the smaller distinct independent businesses shut their doors. We become a people of identical strip malls with the same stores mile after mile, town after town. There are no distinctions. And then there is the clientele, a clientele that includes me. A clientele that today made me want to vomit.
I found myself in the middle of a conversation between strangers. It began with a question: "Is that Bebe?" Two groups of women, one ahead of me and one behind, discovered they had similar tastes in clothes and a similar desire to let those around them know much much they cost and how much more they were willing to spend to be "sooo cute." At first I thought they were funny. I thought I might remember some of their "choice" expressions and post them. If I did you would probably think they were teenagers. They weren't. (I Wished On The Moon- Billie Holiday) These were moms and the more they went on and on, the less I wanted to remember or even witness what they said. They were caricatures: vacuous, shallow, hulls wearing sunglasses that cost more than the per capita income in Gaza, talking about their next shopping spree, talking about their hair, their skin, their money. They were draped in pretenses of wealth and vanity and there was nothing more for them to talk about than how wonderful it is to be wealthy and vain. There we were. I felt complicit. I was angry. I felt sick. I looked around and felt surrounded by a disease. I actually gagged. I left- I need a new job.