Big Baby I

For whatever reason (and whatever that reason may be will be discussed further at a later date) my wife and I cannot have a baby. Cyndi has had two confirmed miscarriages. I say confirmed because I guess women may miscarry without knowing they were pregnant. It turns out it is quite common. In fact, considering the odds and obstacles against it, that any woman ever gets pregnant at all is pretty miraculous. So ever since her second miscarriage she has not been able to get pregnant.

One thing this does is make me angry. I get especially angry when I see people who are not married with babies, I get angry at people in bad marriages who seem to have children as accessories to some vision of success. I get angry at whatever I don't know about myself that is keeping Cyndi from getting pregnant. I get angry that no furniture store owner has seven babies so I can steal one.

I was angry at a pregnant lady. She was a friend of a friend who has a horrible husband who is judging from all evidence cheating on her. They already have one child on whom they've loaded enough baggage for three childhoods and I can't imagine what is in store for the next. I'm not just angry at what I see as a general unfairness but actually angry at someone who gets pregnant in those circumstances. Or, actually, I am angry at the two of them not just her. This all seems very immature on my part.

It also makes me have second thoughts about adopting kids- well maybe not second thoughts. But it makes me concerned. Cyndi and I wanted to adopt children, I guess we still do- no, I know we still do. But does the fact that we can't have biological children change the dynamic? Does the fact that I even wonder that mean I am not suited to adopting children? Does the fact that I get angry at anyone being pregnant mean I am not suited to parenthood at all? How could that be? I mean my parents had children? Maybe ignorance is more of a prerequisite than is self reflection.

Not much time for writing tonight. I have a lot of reading to catch up on and need to go to bed early.

No random playlist tonight- just listening to Ben Folds Five.