A Trick of The Light

The fig does not blossom, nor is there fruit on the vines
The produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food
The flock is cut off from the fold and there is no herd in the stalls
Yet I will rejoice in the LORD
I will joy in the God of my salvation

I was on Jeopardy. I lost- well, as Cyndi would remind me, I came in second place. Initially I was on a role. I wagered everything on the Daily Double, missed it and couldn't recover. I kick myself for the mistakes I made that I think led to me missing the question. This picture was taken just after I was not able to guess what the NE in Necco candies stands for. I know now- if you tell me again I will delete your comment.



When I received this picture in the mail I opened it and immediately thought, "Holy crap! That's my brother." My brother and I look very similar but I can tell us apart. It's not the physical similarities that struck me.

I am not happy in this picture. I am beaten, rattled, resigned to defeat. Even as I need to put on a bit of a show, that face is all I can muster. Even with the encouraging words of Alex Trebek, "That was a bold move, my friend," I can't manage more than this crestfallen vacancy. That's my brother.

He is in jail right now- for violating his probation, which he was on for selling drugs. But even before that, even behind a smile, he had this look.

He doesn't know what life is and I don't know how to show him. At least I don't think i know how to show him.

I visited him Sunday, he's looking worse than the last time I visited him, which was a while ago, but better than one might expect. I don't know what this means and I don't know what he needs. I mean, I know he needs to change, but I don't know how this happens for him. He wants to reserve for himself the right to make the same mistakes in the future that he did in the past. As bad as his situation is, he seems to think if he makes any kind of changes he is precluding what he enjoys from his future. He is committed, or at least he has been, to his sin, not just specific actions, but he is committed to this condition that he thinks is life. He thinks that emptiness should always be, that he should always look that lost.

I don't believe a changed heart comes simply from changing actions, but I also don't believe our actions are so separate from our intentions that a change in direction will not have an eventual influence on our internal condition. I know that's tenuous; I do believe that a changed heart comes from our old selves dying through a real encounter with Christ and that can happen a number of ways. If someone else is willing to concede that this may happen by engaging in particular "good" actions, I will concede that it may happen when someone hears a particular verse or says "the sinner's prayer." Actually, as I write that, I see less division than I feel there is. In any case, I don't know what to do for my brother.

I don't pray enough for him. I don't pray that he be burdened and broken by God's Spirit. I don't pray that whatever knowledge he has increases. I don't know how to show him what's right in front of his face.

This is connected to other things, other things I want to share but have to leave for another time.

So I'll say it again-
The fig does not blossom, nor is there fruit on the vines
The produce of the olive fail and the fields yield no food
The flock is cut off from the fold and there is no herd in the stalls
Yet I will rejoice in the LORD
I will joy in the God of my salvation

For as many songs as I have- I seem to be hearing the same things too frequently
Turn to Stone- ELO
Kicked in the Taco-Frank Black
Are We the Waiting-Green Day
At Least That's What You Said-Wilco (this song rules)
Eleanor Rigby-The Beatles
War-Edwin Starr
In The Cold, Cold Night-The White Stripes
War Within A Breath-Rage Against The Machine
Down By the Riverside-Sister Rosetta Tharpe
All Along the Watchtower-BobDylan
Spoonful-Howlin' Wolf
Carlos Don't Let it Go To Your Head-Pete Yorn
Dracula-Gorillaz
Skanky Panky-Kid Koala
I've Got To See You Again-Norah Jones
We Live Again-Beck
Must Be Wrong-The Rentals
Thru The Eyes of Ruby-Smashing Pumpkins