It Is Finished

Have you ever come across a book or poem that made you think, "This is what language is for."? Have you ever been acutely aware of your existence as measurably better than it had ever been or could ever be and realized everything else will pale in comparison? Have you ever been so drunk you were asking if anyone dared you to knock your own teeth out of your head with a flashlight? That's dumb. But I just discovered something that makes any other internetting superfluous. This is what anyone who has ever done anything on the globe spread web or put pen to paper has aspired to do. (You could learn a thing or to here, Oxfam and UNICEF- you with your uninspired text and images). "This" being McSweeney's Internet Tendency.
Let this be an example for you:

"PROS AND CONS OF THE TOP 20 REPUBLICAN
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES

ZOMBIE RONALD REAGAN
Pro: Probably the most Reaganesque candidate available; if stoked with the brains of the living, should operate in an acceptable fashion.

Con: Long-dead eyes lack that magic twinkle; inhuman groans negatively impact "Great Communicator" status.

YOUR MAMA
Pro: Strong personality; nurturer; kind; strict when she has to be; always shows up at soccer games or school plays; skilled at managing a busy family.

Con: Upon her election, nation would be instantly vulnerable to any number of verbal attacks about president being so fat, so ugly, so stupid, etc.

CHUCK HAGEL
Pro: Could potentially deliver his home state of Nebraska to the Republicans.

Con: Risks losing votes of near-sighted supporters of Kierkegaard, Schopenhauer, Heidegger, and Nietzsche who think the ballot says "Hegel."

PROS AND CONS OF THE TOP 20 DEMOCRATIC
PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES.

BILL RICHARDSON
Pro: Appeals to all Latino voters with the last name "Richardson."

Con: New Mexico is legally part of Mexico; therefore, he's constitutionally ineligible.

JESUS CHRIST
Pro: Could draw some initial interest from the Christian right until they research his actual positions in a deeper way; likable; strong leadership qualities.

Con: Unkempt; pretty far left; messianic complex.

YOU
Pro: Gained valuable exposure as Time magazine's Person of the Year; seems to be Internet-savvy.

Con: Ever since the Time thing, you've been awfully smug.